Saturday, November 6, 2010

The weight of the world.

Somedays I find myself feeling even more inadequate for the life God has designed for me than other days. Somedays I just can't grasp how I should be feeling. Somedays are emptier than others. Somedays the heartache is deeper. Somedays feel just a little bit lonelier... a little bit longer. 

What is it that God see's in me? Why would he choose me of all people for something like this? You never dream that you will be the person who experiences a trial such as this. How do you prepare your mind for a loss of such magnatude? How do you express your emotions into words, and how do you learn to let others in after something like this takes place? Somedays I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. My head feels as though it is spinning. Suddenly I want to inflict heartache on everyone who has moved on. Why have they moved on? Why? Speak her name. Acknowlege her. I feel as though I buried a name along with a body. Why don't people want to hear me speak her name? Why?

All of these are unanswered questions. Questions without answers. Life doesn't always come with answers. We are here to do the best we can with what He gives to us along the way. I see many friends who have lost precious babies as well. Why can't they have their babies atleast?

People don't understand why I want another one. Why I would want to put myself through nine months of pregnancy, and uncertainty that the next one would be okay. There is an answer to that question:::


I need to do this for healing. And those who can't understand the answer to their "why," don't understand the hole in my heart from the missing little person, that is supposed to make it beat just a little faster. Instead my heart has slowed. Every beat causes a knot in my throat. I now have a "missing you" kind of heart beat. Another baby won't mend the broken thump of my heart, but it can bring back a little life. A baby band-aid you might say. So if you can't understand, don't bother to question. I need to do this for me. For Savannah. God understands, and he will help the weight of the world feel a little less... heavy. 


Serenity's Mommy ♥ said...

I understand EXACTLY what you mean!

Everyone always asks me WHY?
I tell them, I had a goal when I first started trying to get pregnant with Serenity. Just because she is gone, doesn't mean my goal is changing. She is my daughter, and I love her more than anyone can ever imagine, but my goal is to have a child at home with me and I can't stop until it is fulfilled.

Tina said...

Dear Megan,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain and confusion. Sweetie, there are no Feelings you SHOULD be feeling. Whatever feelings you are having at the time are the feelings you are meant to have. Please know that I am here for you. Anytime you need to vent or talk get a hold of me on my e-mail. Please don't ever hesitate! I am right here right beside you! You can speak her name to me anytime and as often as you want! i want to hear about her! She is a precious little Angel who was sent to Earth for 8 days for a special reason.

If you want another one IT'S OK! God knows your heart and he Loves you very much! Try to remember that he NEVER GIVES US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE!

I may not know you in person, but i can feel your pain and your feelings. I am here for you as a friend who really does care and I'm here to support you! I pray for you every day! I Understand you!

You are a blessing!

All my Love & prayers


God sees a strong, Loving caring person who Loves her Family so much! You can never prepare yourself for something like this! ((((HHHHUUUGGSS)))))

Rebecca said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog today.
I read your weight of the world post and I am so sorry you are having such a hard day.
Take one day at a time Megan and just trust the Lord each day that he gives you to live. His mercies are new everyday and his comfort is always there. He promised he would never leave us nor forsake us. Remember he opens and closes the womb, he has his perfect timing about everything in our lives and if you and your husband feel like you want another child you follow the leading of the Lord.
I got all kinds of flack when I was having my children.
People just did not understand why I wanted so many but God knew I needed that many and he gave me the perfect ones that I needed.
He graciously gave me five, people thought I was a lil crazy but that is ok with me!
We each give account to the Lord for our own lives not for anyone else's.

Said a prayer for you today sweetie.

@We are Forever His!

deziann said...

I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling, Savannah is only my niece and I miss her terribly, but I think it is WONDERFUL that you want to have another baby!! I think if you want 2 more or 10 more that would be wonderful too because you are such an AMAZING mommy and you have so much love to give!!