What is it that God see's in me? Why would he choose me of all people for something like this? You never dream that you will be the person who experiences a trial such as this. How do you prepare your mind for a loss of such magnatude? How do you express your emotions into words, and how do you learn to let others in after something like this takes place? Somedays I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. My head feels as though it is spinning. Suddenly I want to inflict heartache on everyone who has moved on. Why have they moved on? Why? Speak her name. Acknowlege her. I feel as though I buried a name along with a body. Why don't people want to hear me speak her name? Why?
All of these are unanswered questions. Questions without answers. Life doesn't always come with answers. We are here to do the best we can with what He gives to us along the way. I see many friends who have lost precious babies as well. Why can't they have their babies atleast?
People don't understand why I want another one. Why I would want to put myself through nine months of pregnancy, and uncertainty that the next one would be okay. There is an answer to that question:::
I need to do this for healing. And those who can't understand the answer to their "why," don't understand the hole in my heart from the missing little person, that is supposed to make it beat just a little faster. Instead my heart has slowed. Every beat causes a knot in my throat. I now have a "missing you" kind of heart beat. Another baby won't mend the broken thump of my heart, but it can bring back a little life. A baby band-aid you might say. So if you can't understand, don't bother to question. I need to do this for me. For Savannah. God understands, and he will help the weight of the world feel a little less... heavy.