Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Rockabye Baby.

There is something magical about a baby. Wouldn't you have to agree? Such a small little life. A little soul. So innocent and fresh from the hands of the Lord.

Yes, a baby is bliss.

Now as a mother, there is divine treasure in having a daughter. Just as there is for a father, who longs for a son. I have two boys, and don't mistake me for thinking my boys are anything but delight in my heart. Because I couldn't and won't imagine my life without their unbridled spirits. They have showed me a world outside of my own girly wonderment. But again, I believe every mother wonders what it would be like to have a daughter. Someone to relate to. Someone who lives on Venus with us, rather than the enchanting confusion coming from Mars.

I've mentioned before since our loss of Savannah, that I long for another girl. No. Not for me actually. Yes, I love my girls. But, I long for another girl for a much deeper reason. Sarah.

Growing up, I had two older brothers. There was such an age seperation, that a bonding relationship never became. But these brothers of mine, these two close in age siblings, had something in common. Their gender. You can just relate better to your own gender growing up I believe. I remember feeling like an outsider, watching a communication that I have always lacked. My cousin became my "sister." And from slightest touch and feeling of what a sister was like, I couldn't imagine growing up, having a daughter, and having her grow through life without that relationship.

I don't have a diluted vision of what sisters are. I know, boy or girl, they are not always going to see eye to eye. They aren't always going to braid each others hair and enjoy sharing secrets. But I believe siblings go much deeper than that.... And I wanted that with Savannah. I want that now for Sarah.

This Christmas, all Sarah wanted for Christmas, was a baby doll. Now, Sarah has never ever been into playing with baby dolls. Barbies yes, dolls no. I couldn't just pick her out any old baby doll. I didn't care, what sounds it made, what movements it mimicked, or how much it cost. I knew that Sarah's desire for a baby doll Christmas morning came from an emptyness she was feeling too. Sarah's arms were empty. And even though she is only a mere six years old, I know with all my heart, her arms were longing for Savannah to fill them these past holidays. This baby doll had to have big brown eyes, and a round head. That was all that mattered. Now, that may seem like a simple task... let me tell you, it's not. Common baby doll eye color these days?:: Blue. There is nothing wrong with blue eyes, and I probably would have gotten a blue eyed baby had it not been under these circumstances.

My mother and I found, Savannah doll, at Target late one night Christmas shopping. The store was quiet and dead. I picked that brown eyed doll up and held her in my arms. I lifted the bottle up to her mouth, and stared as this plastic toy's face moved in up and down motions as if to really be drinking its bottle. I giggled, feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable cherishing a moment with Savannah doll. "Sarah might wonder where her doll is one night, only to find me rocking and feeding it in Savannah's room," I said outloud. Again I chuckled trying to maintain the tears I could feel welling up in my eyes. My moms heart ached as she looked at me, and my plastic, brown eyed Savannah.

Months have passed since then, and I reassure you that I haven't found myself rocking that baby doll... atleast in my own time. Two nights ago, while tucking the kids into bed, Sarah asked me to hold her baby doll while she situated all of her beloved animals surrounding her. There I was, rocking that brown eyed doll again in my aching arms. She cooed and giggled at me, as if she really did love me. Delicately handing the baby over to my Sarah, the doll started to cry. I quickly kissed Sarah goodnight and rushed out of the room. Standing outside of the now dark bedroom, I put my hand up to my chest trying to find the strength to breathe again.

The pretend baby, the plastic doll, cried as if it was longing my arms... just as much as my arms are longing to hold, "her."


John and Allie Fields said...

I too want that same sex sibling for both of my kids. There is something special about that bond!

My own brown eyed girl would love a baby doll with her eye color. What kind is it? You are right about all of them having blue eyes.

Jennifer said...

Oh what a beautiful and heart wrenching post. I so know that ache...the ache that only the ones we lost can fill. Bless your heart mama! Those moments do take your breath so completely.

Stacey said...

Ironically, When I was preg with Nick I wanted a boy never thought about the bond with same sex siblings and then when I found out Jaleel was a boy. I pictured Nick being the best big brother to Jaleel and all they would do and share together. About 2 years ago Nick went to the dr for his H1N1 short and was a little boy there who was probably 2 years old and Nick had a little car and this little boy wanted it. Nick shared it will him, showed him how to use the car really fast, and was so kind to him and my heart ached for Nick because he has been cheated at his chance to be a big brother to his little brother Jaleel ;-( I can totally relate (((((BIG HUGS TO YOU & SARAH))))))

Melissa said...

Is it OK to say that I love this post...even though it broke my heart to pieces? For me it is the everyday things - just like this one, that catch me off guard and knock the wind right from me. Thank you so much for sharing this experience with all of us! Big Hugs!

Tiffany said...

you always have such a way with words.

Diana Doyle said...

Beautiful! And sad and unfair and precious and my heart aches for you for I know those moments.

Just love, sending love, life sometimes deals us with some unexpected moments that feel like our heart is being squeezed.

Thinking of you and your Savannah.
Diana x

Danielle said...

Oh my goodness! What feelings this brought back for me. Now I'm sitting here crying, trying so hard to see the keys through my tears. I am used to crying by what you've written and this time it was the same response but all at once I was filled with the image of you handing me your Oscar doll and cradling it in my arms as if it was you.
All of a sudden I felt my heart tighten and a wash of emotions came over me that were so strong that the tears started to flow harder. I felt Oscar, then I felt you, the way I had cradled you in my arm, shoulder and head in the crook of my arm and your little knee held between my thumb and fore finger. So many times I held you that way, my thumb caressing your little leg.Thanks for sharing that with me today.
Your writing is beautiful and meaningful to everyone that reads it. Your Mother Loves You!

ginatoothe said...

What a beautifully spoken post Megan. I will pray for you and Sarah. I was blessed to have 2 sisters of my own, so i know what you mean. My own daughter Sarah however does not have a biological sister. I could never give her one. It once made me sad, and sometimes still does, but God has blessed her with "sisters" in another way. My dear niece adores my Sarah and the 2 girls share more of a sisterly bond then anything. Through her childhood, my daughter formed many ever lasting and very close "Sisterly" like friendships with girls in the same boat so to speak as she. I feel my own friendships have not been as close as hers. I may have not tried as hard to be a friend because of my sisters always being there. maybe i took them for granted? My Sarah is currently very actively involved now as a sorority "sister" in college. I feel that God found a way for my girl to have sisters after all. i hope this offers you a ray of hope that either way, it will be ok ;)

Charis said...

this is a beautiful post. i have always wanted to have a girl. we will see if that ever becomes a reality. also, one of my best gifts in life is that i have a sister who is my very best friend.