Wednesday, May 11, 2011


"...These walls have seen my happy,
But most of all they've seen me torn....

They've had a front row seat to the breaking of my heart."
                                                   -Chris August:: 7x70

 Here it is. What's left of, what once was, Savannah's nursery. By what's left I'm referencing four walls, a closet, a window, a door... and an empty shelf. Once upon a time this room was vibrant and full of anticipated life. Now we have a constant reminder of unavoidable mortality.

Let's me try to portray life with a dead infant. It is a slow process. Healing I mean. Because after the funeral, when family and friends "heal" from the missing child, the parents have something family and friends don't. The family and friends who cry, and remember our baby periodically when something "reminds" them, don't have the constant.

The walls we call home. The home... the bedroom... the hallway of that child. Savannah never came home. But that doesn't mean home wasn't prepared for her. Each morning I walk past a quiet room. Each afternoon the same quiet, calm, hauntingly still feeling pulls at me as I go about my day. Every night, as the light leaves the sky, the same room fills with a deep darkness. No light shines there. An unused nursery. Death has taken over beige carpet and drywall. We reside in the same house that death has visited... Everyday.... Our reminders are never ending.

It's a constant.

Yes, these walls have had a front row seat
to the breaking of my heart.


aliciamarie911 said...

I am so sorry for your loss and the constant reminders of what could have been. I have no words that could ever express the sorrow I feel after reading this, but know that I am praying for you. I'm a new follower. I look forward to seeing God work in your life and help strengthen you in your times of weakness.

God Bless,
Alicia marie

Caroline said...

So sorry praying for you. I am a Mom of 4 children but I to have those constant reminders of what our home should have been like.
Such a beautiful post.

aliciamarie911 said...

I'm sure it's hard to walk by the room that was meant for your child. I'm so sorry that you have that constant reminder.

When I went to Venezuela, it was the most life changing trip I had ever taken. I long to be the one who nurses children back to health. I'd give anything to go back and serve.

charis said...

that is a beautiful quote. i really can't imagine megan. i have experienced loss, but never to the degree like you described. still praying for that room to be filled.

my recent post: another bold step forward