Monday, September 5, 2011

If I am chosen.

Today, I found myself staring down at my round, but not too big belly. And a wave of emotion flushed over me. As I watched the tiny little movements, suddenly, I felt ignorance again. Here I am, 18weeks 1day pregnant, and I have fallen head over heels in love with my fifth unborn child. Motherly instinct. And why wouldn't I? Regardless of a life or death situation with each one of my children, I am going to love them with all of my heart if they live or if they are destined to die.

But here I was, ignorant to the fact that in less than a day {tomorrow afternoon to be exact} we will know for sure if everything is okay. We've been given the inclinations that sure we have a healthy little baby. With a strong, fully formed diaphragm. But haven't we heard this once before from "regular ultrasounds." From everyday technicians? This is where I became aware. I feel an overwhelming sense {quite different from the overwhelming sense that I had with Savannah} that everything will be just fine. But here is what I've learned from just fine...

Just fine can mean, healthy baby staying here with us, or just fine can mean we as humans can weather any storm. That God will hold our hands through the toughest of times. That if a baby has a defect, and if they pass, in the end they will be just fine.

I am not going to sit here and tell you the thought of staring down another dark resting place, doesn't terrify me. Because if I did I would be lying. I remember what it was like to be overcome with nothing but excitement when the midpoint ultrasound came along. There is too much to bear in those moments leading up to our future though. Our fate. Our babies fate. I am thankful for my level two ultrasound. For the time, care, and extensive detail that will go into every last piece of our baby's body. But as of this moment, while my belly dances once more as I type this, only God holds the answer to what lies within me tonight. For one more day, our baby's development is a complete secret, between them, and their maker.

The other night, driving down the freeway after dark I started talking to my mom about the results that await us. She said, "in this situation, it all comes down to faith." I told her, "I understand that. And this concern doesn't effect the faith I have at all. All it means is I never thought it would happen to me once. I do have faith that God is in control. But he has chose me once, who am I to say that the only faith I have, is faith that he wouldn't choose me again?"

Tomorrow we will know. We will drive in faith once more to Sacramento, California. This time, we have hope that everything will be okay. Last time we had faith that God would take care of our girl. This evening I live in ignorance once more. And I like it. Because tomorrrow? Tomorrow could possibly change our lives forever... All over again.

One other thing I need to sit here and say, since I am feeling the deep seeded need to spill all of my overwhelming emotions to my readers; I want a girl. After the first need for this baby to be healthy, I hope in my heart God see's my desire for a girl.

"How selfish." I can sense so many of you thinking. And maybe it is. But let me explain. I thought and wanted my sweet Sarah to be a boy. I was ever delighted to find out she was definitely not. When we found out we were expecting our second, that of which is only eleven months apart from his sister, I hoped my second would be a girl. So close in age, my "girls" would be able to grow together, share together, and build a bond I could never begin to imagine. Michael most certainly was not a girl. Then I convinced my husband it was time for number three. I knew in my heart I would finally recieve the girl I had been hoping for for three years. My husband knew it was a boy. I doubted him. The ultrasound technician announced we were in fact having another boy. I remained quiet until we got into the car. My husband said, "I told you we were having a boy." Tears streamed down my face. It felt as though it was hopeless the sight of another girl. My sister-in-laws each have all boys. Between me and them, there are a whopping SEVEN boys vs. ONE girl. Will my Sarah not even have a cousin to bond with doing girly things? A cousin her age? A first cousin? I cannot procreate a sister, but having no girl cousins?! Family members have grasped onto the fact that Sarah, by some Grace had been the only girl in the family. "She was meant to be our only princess." "I think it is special that Sarah is the only girl in a family with all boys."

But this only added to the saddness, {not in replacement of my boys, because I LOVE my boys} but the saddness that I had yet to see the girl I longed for.

The day of Savannah's ultrasound {and I hold a lot of guilt for this... A LOT} I kneeled down on the side of my bed, folded my hands, and prayed outloud. "Dear Lord, Please let this baby be a girl. PLEASE." God indeed answered my prayer that day. But selfishly I prayed for a baby girl. I never once stopped to pray that the baby girl I longed for, that I needed, to be healthy of all things...

My girl, came into this world and never once tasted sweet life. The baby girl that God gracously answered my prayer with died in my arms. I had to bury all of the hopes and dreams I had created for her in the few short months I planned for her. I realized two nights ago, that a lot of things go when you loose a daughter. Mother, daughter bonds. Sister bonds. Meeting the wonderful man that chooses our daugher as his wife. Helping her plan her wedding. Holding back tears as she wears her wedding dress. Talking on the phone everyday. {Or many many many times a day.} Feeling your daughters belly, as your grandchildren kick from the inside. Crying as you watch your daughter deliver her first baby, and remembering the day they laid her on your chest. I want daughters. Daughters that can have the same relationship I have with my mother. {And yes, I do acknowledge sometimes its a love hate kinda thing. Hehe.} But no matter what, I have my mom, and she has me...

Savannah will never get to see those things. And I will never get to experience them with her. I have one daughter I will cherish every one of these moments with. But her baby sister won't get to be there with us either. I long for a girl. One that can stay.

"Dear Lord, Please let this be a healthy baby girl. PLEASE.
I need this not only for my heart, but for Sarah's heart too...

If our Victoria, happens to be a Davis...
I promise to love him just the same.



Jackie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heidi said...

Before Jamie, I really, honestly didn't care if my fourth was going to be a girl or a boy after three boys.

But then she was born, and all of those things that I never knew I wanted were RIPPED from my arms. It is still a little unbearable.

So, yes, secretly, I wanted my 5th and rainbow to be a girl. Of course, now he is here and he is very much NOT a girl.

So, I get it! I think you finally typed out what I have always wanted to express about losing her and wanting another.

God bless you and praying so much for a healthy baby for you. And just a little prayer for baby to be a girl for you. ((((HUGS))).

Jackie said...

Oh Megan, I totally understand the obsessive desire to have a girl. I was so obsessed with my third child being a girl I almost went to see Sylvia Brown so that she could assure me it was a girl. I would sit and worry myself into tears. I totally understand. . . and then my baby girl was born with a birth defect. I was devastated. The guilt, the feeling it was all my fault, how was I to deal with it. God is good. My little girl is 31 and has two boys.

I also understand wanting a girl to go with all those boys. I have seven grandchildren, only one girl ~ the first born. I can so relate to your writing tonight.

I will be saying prayers tomorrow and I will continue until I see you post that everything is okay. . .

A lot of what you write is how I felt many years ago. I so admire your strength. I will be watching for a post.


September 5, 2011 8:16 PM

John and Allie Fields said...

It's not selfish at all to want a girl over a boy and vice versa. I'm praying for you and very anxious to hear what happens today. Love you sweetie!

charis said...

i know i don't understand losing a child, but i do understand the desire for a girl. it is hard to not try to protect my heart from being disappointed this time around - my 4 boys are amazing, there is just something inside of me that has always desired the bond that a mom has with a daughter and it seems so elusive. i am hoping you have a girl and a HEALTHY one too! i have prayed for you this pregnancy. i hope tomorrow is full full full of good news.

Danielle said...

My silly, precious daughter. My heart longs to take away all your fears and aching.
I know that my constant reminders that things are going to be fine, doesn't do anything to wash away memories from the past. But, even though those memories are still raw and exposed in my mind also, I choose to have faith that God will not repeat that again. After all, this is to be your rainbow baby. After the flood, didn't God send a rainbow as His promise to the world that he wouldn't repeat this?
So, in my naive and childlike way of looking at things, I choose to lock onto the good and refuse to think about the bad. Really childish isn't it? But, that's me.
So,my precious girl, once again I will tell you that things are going to be fine and not to worry. You are going to have a very healthy, happy, baby GIRL!


Good luck tomorrow...or day I guess. Completely understand all of your mixed emotions. I hope youa re having a girl as well :)