Thursday, April 19, 2012

Only a piece.

I have begun writing this post at least five times now. Its been so long, I almost feel as though I should re-introduce myself to you all. But I wont. So don't worry.
I'm laying on my bed, while my sweet, absolutely adorable three month old, naps in his bassinet next to me. Calm. Quiet. Surrender.

The past three months have gone by so quickly I feel as though I could possibly, and should probably still be pregnant. I am very much not pregnant, and his existence is very much real.

When I've sat down to write my thoughts and feelings, a piece of me struggled with what to say. I've been pushing through a writers block, that might be induced by absolute mental exhaustion, but I battled with the decision on whether or not I should return to the world of complete sentences, unfiltered thoughts, and on occasion misspelled words. (Cause I know I have those from time to time.)

When my blog really began reaching others, I was in the midst of the hardest trial, I'm sure one would ever face in a lifetime. The ones who could relate became my usual and regular readers. Not all mind you, but a vast majority. The death of a child. Those words look bleak even now as I write them. A few days shy of 20months...

I journeyed through my grief, and I overcame raw emotions as I anticipated and welcomed a little boy who will never be, nor could ever take the place of our Savannah.

It has almost been two years, since she left us. And though I'm sure we will always speak of her, and grasp onto the memories we have of her, I am not defined by her. I'm not just the face of infant loss. That is only a tiny pinprick of my story.  

The weather here has been gloomy for five weeks straight now. We are lucky to get a overcast day and reach fifty degree temperatures. I have been cooped inside with all four of my kids, who also are going stir crazy, and daydreaming about springtime romps. Last night in an effort to spring clean minus the "spring" I started shifting through the clutter that is in our garage. And there it sat. A tub full of tiny pink clothes. A tub that is now our once upon a time. I brought it in, and set it down next to my husband. "I think its time that we get rid of this stuff." I popped open the lid, and began sorting through item after item of baby things. Still tagged. Still packaged. My husband told me he was okay with getting rid of her items. We stared some more at the outfits that only held hopes and dreams. He started to say, "I wouldn't tell anyone where they came from," but we both began to cry.

See our life will never be completely "pain free." Because in the end we did loose experience the death of a child. But our life is not consumed with sadness and grief. There is still laughter, and blessings. There is still beauty, and there will always be heartache. And that is precisely as life is supposed to be. I stepped away from the cyber world to remember exactly that. Though I may not talk about Savannah as much, just know she was only a piece of my, "story unfolding." Death is never the end, it is only the beginning. And one day we will all be together again.

Until next time I will leave you in awe of sure cuteness...

Bundled up for our cold spring weather.
Our sweet Davis.


Heidi @ Buttons and Butterflies said...

I get it! As much as the one that is lost is intertwined with the one that followed...they are two separate little souls.

I think the 2 year mark was much more difficult than the one year mark. It made everything seem further away, especially away from her.

Thinking of you ((((HUGS)))!

John and Allie Fields said...

Glad to see you writing again. I've missed your sweet words.

charis said...

i am happy to see you blogging again. you are a wonderful mama to all 5 of your kids, and you are right that it is only the beginning because you will all get to be together again in the resurrection! what a day that will be!!

my recent post: the waiting place...

Ashley said...

Davis is pure cutest!!

I cannot believe that we are coming up on 2 years since Beckett has been gone. Time has gone WAY to fast :( Glad to see a post from you!

I don't want my loss to define me, but in others eyes - I think it does :( I am the woman who's baby died. I hope I am not always looked at by that. Which is probably why I don't tell strangers that Beck is in heaven unless they pry for information about each one of my children.

Anyways ((Hugs))

Holly said...

Life after loss is filled with pain but like you mentioned you get to a point where it doesn't consume you.