The Heart of Christmas

Sometimes you just can't help it. There are those movies that just draw you in, without needing to be big blockbuster hits. Without needing to pay an obscene amount of money to watch it in the movie theater.

Let's go back a little bit. Last holiday season,  a song entered my life, but being we were still so numb from the loss we had literally just faced, it didn't hit me as hardly as it has this year. Literally one week ago, driving to my weekly doctors appointment the song jumped back into my memory. No reminder. No reason. I just began telling my husband about the song. He reminded me that I shared the song with him last Christmas. I honestly couldn't remember sharing it. I hardly remembered it myself. In that moment, whether he already had heard it or not, I needed to hear it again. Myself.

And for the first time I watched the official music video. The music video that shares glimpses into the journey a family faced as their son thirteen month old son battled Leukemia. As my husband drove down the freeway I tried my very hardest to hold back the tears I knew were unevitable.

Saturday evening in watching ABC Family's 25days of Christmas, a commercial came on the tv adverstising a movie premier on a completely different channel. A channel I had never even heard of. (Did you know they officially have a Christmas movie channel?) GMC. I set it up to record Sunday, December 4th, and had forgotten all about it until late last night.

A touching yet heartbreaking story of a family who fights with all of their might to keep their son alive, yet when they reach the point of "letting go" realize that sweet little boy, Dax, isn't going to live to see "one last Christmas." A community follows by example when Dax's daddy goes out of his way to make sure Dax got to see, his very last Christmas.

It was an overwhelming story. But I sobbed uncontrollably through the entire movie. That of which I have never, ever, done before. But it was so real. The Locke family were blessed with more time with Dax, than we were given with Savannah, but the story of their stay at St. Jude's Children's Hospital, was exactly, in almost every detail if you were to replace a toddler with a newborn, what our experience was like at UC Davis. And every moment spent watching this family put their lives on hold to be there fighting for their son, took me back to every moment spent fighting for our daughter.

When the doctors had tried everything they possibly could to help save Dax, they sent the family home to spend their final weeks with him. And like I already mentioned, October 2009, Dax got to see Christmas with the childhood delight we either remember from our own childhood, or have witnessed in our own children.

All so badly, with our very Christmas tree illuminated and decorated in the living room, it brought me to a heavy heart. How I wish so badly, Savannah could have witnessed for a second the magic of Christmas. Whether it have been in December or in her eight day visit in August. But before family and friends even had a moment to wrap their minds around what was happening, Savannah was gone.

There are so many amazing families out there. Who have fought so hard and selflessly for their babies.

Since Dax passed, his mommy and daddy have welcomed their own rainbow baby into their lives.  And continue to raise 1.7million dollars to fund St. Judes Children's Hospital for an entire day. In honor of the baby boy that left their lives too soon.

This Christmas, if your heart calls you to do so, or you are looking for a way to make a difference, please consider making even the smallest donation to St. Judes. Because I know, as a mother, what it feels like for a hospital to give their everything to someone who means more to you than they will ever possibly know.

::Donate for Dax::

30 days of Thankful {Day Three}

Today I am so thankful for Mercy Maternity Center. When I found out that my obstetrician who delivered Savannah was leaving her practice after thirty years of delivering babies, I'll have to admit, I found myself crying hysterically in the parking lot of the Mercy Maternity Center after being told "they would take good care of me."

Any mother-to-be is usually nervous at the idea of deciding on the doctor they entrust not only their well being in, but that of their unborn child's. Savannah's condition, no secret here, was completely undiscovered even through prenatal care, and numerous ultrasounds. I did not hold that against my doctor. I do not believe that eight years of medical universities can make a human being, capable of performing miracles. Healing all. I just don't. Because they are, and always will be, only human. Do I think people are capable of careless mistakes? Of course. But I will not hold Savannah's diaphragmatic hernia against anyone. Had it been discovered, all I manage to see is months of agony and heartache spent, wondering, worrying, living day to day life broken hearted. There was nothing that could have been done to that little body inside my womb to help her. And through God's grace, "Savannah's frame was not hidden from Him. When she was made in secret." {Psalm 139:15} This scripture, used on behalf of so many babies growing and thriving in their mother's tummy. It spoke to me much deeper. Koady and I used it at her funeral. As much as this world offered us during my pregnancy, countless times, Savannah's body, her frame, was hidden. But not from God. Only from us. The Lord, most definitely kept her makes a secret. And His secret, became our blessing. We got to live with Savannah for nine months, just as she was. "Fearfully and wonderfully made." {Psalm 139:14} That was all we knew. We were not scared for the future. We got to live in the moment.

And lastly, the piece of the scripture that fit our little girl so perfectly. "Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed." {Psalm 139:16} People argued with me as I spoke of this scripture; I was told I was reading into those simple words way too much. But it says UNformed. So easily, could it make more sense to say, formed; Created; Established. After all, this is God. He isn't making all babies unformed. But my Savannah was most definitely UNFORMED.  Yes every baby, every being, starts out unformed. That being the sole purpose behind the mother's womb. In our tragedy, this scripture was speaking of my little one.  No amount of time would have ever made Savannah whole. No doctor in the world could have saved her.

Starting over with a new doctor, I was unsure if they would connect to my story. My history. Would they treat me with the compassion I was so desperate for in this pregnancy. Would they accept that I lost my daughter, and sacrifice all they have to see to it I don't loose another?

The doctors, specialists, and nurses have exceeded my expectations in every way imaginable. They have grown to know my story. They know Savannah's name, and are not afraid to speak it. As most medical professionals try to avoid it, the ones overseeing my care have not held back any attachment to my baby boy. They are fighting for him. Every appointment. Every recommendation. Every referral. As I said, I do not blame Savannah's doctor for anything, but I feel blessed to have changed doctors. I feel like I could not be receiving better medical care anywhere else, other than one Medical Center that has stolen and will forever carry a piece of my heart. A piece of my soul...

Today, I'm thankful for Mercy Maternity Center. Like the entire Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at UC Davis, they truly are my fighting angels...

If I am chosen.

Today, I found myself staring down at my round, but not too big belly. And a wave of emotion flushed over me. As I watched the tiny little movements, suddenly, I felt ignorance again. Here I am, 18weeks 1day pregnant, and I have fallen head over heels in love with my fifth unborn child. Motherly instinct. And why wouldn't I? Regardless of a life or death situation with each one of my children, I am going to love them with all of my heart if they live or if they are destined to die.

But here I was, ignorant to the fact that in less than a day {tomorrow afternoon to be exact} we will know for sure if everything is okay. We've been given the inclinations that sure we have a healthy little baby. With a strong, fully formed diaphragm. But haven't we heard this once before from "regular ultrasounds." From everyday technicians? This is where I became aware. I feel an overwhelming sense {quite different from the overwhelming sense that I had with Savannah} that everything will be just fine. But here is what I've learned from just fine...

Just fine can mean, healthy baby staying here with us, or just fine can mean we as humans can weather any storm. That God will hold our hands through the toughest of times. That if a baby has a defect, and if they pass, in the end they will be just fine.

I am not going to sit here and tell you the thought of staring down another dark resting place, doesn't terrify me. Because if I did I would be lying. I remember what it was like to be overcome with nothing but excitement when the midpoint ultrasound came along. There is too much to bear in those moments leading up to our future though. Our fate. Our babies fate. I am thankful for my level two ultrasound. For the time, care, and extensive detail that will go into every last piece of our baby's body. But as of this moment, while my belly dances once more as I type this, only God holds the answer to what lies within me tonight. For one more day, our baby's development is a complete secret, between them, and their maker.

The other night, driving down the freeway after dark I started talking to my mom about the results that await us. She said, "in this situation, it all comes down to faith." I told her, "I understand that. And this concern doesn't effect the faith I have at all. All it means is I never thought it would happen to me once. I do have faith that God is in control. But he has chose me once, who am I to say that the only faith I have, is faith that he wouldn't choose me again?"

Tomorrow we will know. We will drive in faith once more to Sacramento, California. This time, we have hope that everything will be okay. Last time we had faith that God would take care of our girl. This evening I live in ignorance once more. And I like it. Because tomorrrow? Tomorrow could possibly change our lives forever... All over again.

One other thing I need to sit here and say, since I am feeling the deep seeded need to spill all of my overwhelming emotions to my readers; I want a girl. After the first need for this baby to be healthy, I hope in my heart God see's my desire for a girl.

"How selfish." I can sense so many of you thinking. And maybe it is. But let me explain. I thought and wanted my sweet Sarah to be a boy. I was ever delighted to find out she was definitely not. When we found out we were expecting our second, that of which is only eleven months apart from his sister, I hoped my second would be a girl. So close in age, my "girls" would be able to grow together, share together, and build a bond I could never begin to imagine. Michael most certainly was not a girl. Then I convinced my husband it was time for number three. I knew in my heart I would finally recieve the girl I had been hoping for for three years. My husband knew it was a boy. I doubted him. The ultrasound technician announced we were in fact having another boy. I remained quiet until we got into the car. My husband said, "I told you we were having a boy." Tears streamed down my face. It felt as though it was hopeless the sight of another girl. My sister-in-laws each have all boys. Between me and them, there are a whopping SEVEN boys vs. ONE girl. Will my Sarah not even have a cousin to bond with doing girly things? A cousin her age? A first cousin? I cannot procreate a sister, but having no girl cousins?! Family members have grasped onto the fact that Sarah, by some Grace had been the only girl in the family. "She was meant to be our only princess." "I think it is special that Sarah is the only girl in a family with all boys."

But this only added to the saddness, {not in replacement of my boys, because I LOVE my boys} but the saddness that I had yet to see the girl I longed for.

The day of Savannah's ultrasound {and I hold a lot of guilt for this... A LOT} I kneeled down on the side of my bed, folded my hands, and prayed outloud. "Dear Lord, Please let this baby be a girl. PLEASE." God indeed answered my prayer that day. But selfishly I prayed for a baby girl. I never once stopped to pray that the baby girl I longed for, that I needed, to be healthy of all things...

My girl, came into this world and never once tasted sweet life. The baby girl that God gracously answered my prayer with died in my arms. I had to bury all of the hopes and dreams I had created for her in the few short months I planned for her. I realized two nights ago, that a lot of things go when you loose a daughter. Mother, daughter bonds. Sister bonds. Meeting the wonderful man that chooses our daugher as his wife. Helping her plan her wedding. Holding back tears as she wears her wedding dress. Talking on the phone everyday. {Or many many many times a day.} Feeling your daughters belly, as your grandchildren kick from the inside. Crying as you watch your daughter deliver her first baby, and remembering the day they laid her on your chest. I want daughters. Daughters that can have the same relationship I have with my mother. {And yes, I do acknowledge sometimes its a love hate kinda thing. Hehe.} But no matter what, I have my mom, and she has me...

Savannah will never get to see those things. And I will never get to experience them with her. I have one daughter I will cherish every one of these moments with. But her baby sister won't get to be there with us either. I long for a girl. One that can stay.

"Dear Lord, Please let this be a healthy baby girl. PLEASE.

I need this not only for my heart, but for Sarah's heart too...

If our Victoria, happens to be a Davis...

I promise to love him just the same.

-Amen."

Priceless.

Tomorrow is our annual trip to Fresno, California. We started the tradition last Christmas, driving down to take the kids to the famous Christmas Tree Lane.

Last year, Savannah was conceived in December. My dad made little jokes, that he was never going back to Christmas Tree Lane with us again! Yesterday in thinking about the upcoming trip, I imagined what it would be like if she was still here with us.
Lets see here...

• Stops every two hours to breastfeed?

Ugh...

• Fussy baby in carseat from driving for 6+ hours?

Waahhh...

• Sharing Christmas Tree Lane

with a beautiful almost Four month old?

Priceless.

That's okay though,

Next year.

Well I am off to pack...

15 pairs of basketball shorts

& a holey moley t-shirt anyone?

 We do get to drive past Davis again... 

Is it weird I am SO excited to do so???

Don't miss me too much!

I'll be back with pictures!!!

The final letter home. {Day Five.}

Saturday, August 28th, 2010

6:06pm

Savannah's Day Five

Written by Mommy

We've had another perfect day here at Davis! Savannah is still doing wonderful, and though today was uneventful, it was also filled with milestones.

Remember yesterday when I said her lung tissue hadn't changed, and we needed to direct prayers there? Her level yesterday was around 9, and the nurse said today her levels were around 12!! Nothing less another miracle in her little life story.

Her jaundice levels had gone up to 16.5 today, even though she had been under the jaundice lights since Wednesday night. They brought in more effective billy rueben lights this afternoon, and that will help bring down her levels. So she still has on her purple sunglasses today.

She really has started moving her stomach muscles, and moving her chest up and down so her respiration levels were up in the 40's at times!! We cheer her on when she gets into a really steady pattern.

She pooped twice today, and I was thrilled I got to BE THERE for one of the diaper changes. They offered for me to even HELP change the diaper, but since it takes two people trying not to move her chest while they do, I figured I'd leave it up to the professionals. I was just tickled that I got to witness it. That's right, I get excited over watching the nurses change dirty diapers. 

There was a point this afternoon that Savannah even got the hiccups. Which wouldn't have mattered much, but since they were so strong, the nurses didn't like how much it was moving the ECMO tubes. So they quickly stopped the hiccups with yet another medication. {I thought it was another exciting moment!}

Second most important moment of the day, besides the lung tissue? Savannah got her first official feeding today!! She gets 4ml every 3hours. So the milk supply I've been working on is finally coming to good use. When we left the hospital, she had already had two helpings today! We are praying that everything goes smoothly with the breast milk in her stomach because she is needing the nourishment, and having something to digest will produce more bowel movements which will get the jaundice out of her system even faster!

Grammy came to visit today, and it was such a treat! I am sure Savannah enjoyed the extra company! J It was great to have our family get to experience how wonderful our baby girl is doing. Grammy Darla was examining the size of diapers needed when her grandbaby gets to come home… and she is getting anxious to buy her a swing!

Tomorrow we have to head home. Nerves are setting in with the thought of having to leave her here, but it is so comforting to know what great hands she is. I know most all of the nurses have fallen in love with Savannah, so she will not go without any love! We feel so torn because we miss our other babies so much, and they miss us terribly. Although we want to be there with them now, we know that when we get home we will want to be here with her. Life hasn’t stopped, and we must continue on. We are sure with all of your wonderful prayers, Savannah will only be here for a little while longer, and then our family will all be together… where we are supposed to be now.


DAY FIVE!!!
All our love,


Koady,  Megan, & Savannah

Savannah Day Five

August 27th-28h

{Her first mittens}

{Savannah loves her Grammy}

{Grammy touches.}

{She couldn't get enough of the soft hairs on Savannah's shoulder.}

{She wanted to snuggle up and caress her against her face.}

{Peek a Boo little one.}

{The third pair of socks in her package!}

{The nurses liked the pink better.}

{Yes I was battled by nurses over Savannah fashion!}

{Her lips were chapped, so I made them moisturize.}

{Savannah was definatly a "DIVA."}

{Yummy in her tummy! Breastmilk feeding time!}

{Her girly stuff stash.}

{A room for a Princess.}

{Her new Billy Rueben lights.}

Savannah Day Six

August 28th-29th

{On day six, we came home from Sacramento.}

{Koady told me to write my daily letter.}

{But being I had just left a peice of my heart,

I couldn't bring myself to write new news to anyone.}

{We saw Savannah that morning, and she was still doing great.}

{See you SOON baby!}

{Mommy and Daddy love you bunches!}

Savannah Day Seven

August 29th-30th

{Savannah struggled through the night of the 29th.}

{I blamed myself that it was because I was no longer there with her.}

{She needed my voice. It was what was pulling her through.}

{The nurses referred to her as doing "okay," but having a rough night.}

{They decided to do the CT Scan that same day...}

{...They would have the results the following afternoon.}

{There was only one picture taken of Savannah on her seventh day.}

{It was taken with a camera phone by one of Savannahs doctors.}

{She knew we took daily pictures of our girl, and she didn't want us to miss a day.}

{We do not have this picture on the computer.}

Savannah Day Eight

August 30th-31st

{Our farewell pictures... never sent to anyone.}

{Mommy welcome kisses!}

{Wide awake... with her swollen eye!}

{Family lovins.}

{Doesn't Mr. Snugglesworth look like he is crying.}

{He loved his Savannah too!}

{Gangs all here!}

{The picture daddy copied of the giraffe for her headstone!}

{Nothing like a daddies love for his girls.}

{Her pretty sunset.}

{Taking a moment to connect our bodies and souls!}

{Even though they already were and still are.}

{Goodbye kisses.}

{She fit so perfectly.}

{Thanks for visiting us sweet Savannah.}
{Home was calling.}

Letters home. {Day Four}

Friday, August 27th, 2010

12:02pm

Savannah's Day Four

Written by Mommy

A wonderful day!! This has been Savannah's best day yet! She had a non-eventful night, and hasn't had any problems today. {As the nurses say, "knock on wood."} We are defiantly seeing miraculous results from prayers all over the world. This little girl even has soldiers praying for her over in Iraq! Savannah's story is going to change lives!!

Her swelling is GOING WAY down, which the doctors say is her anatomy taking control and re-absorbing the water weight. You can see a huge difference in every part of her body. Her double chin, her head swelling, even her little hand! This is a GREAT thing!

Her second head ultrasound still shows no bleeding in the brain! Which they did the second head ultrasound after her episodes with blood flow yesterday, so just another blessing!!

Also, she had her first bowel movement today. Which seems so normal, but for Savannah, it is just yet another milestone. She hasn't had any food in her stomach, so the fact that she pooped shows that more things are working accordingly. Her pee is also clear and yellow again today, so they are no longer worried about the pink tinge that was there yesterday!

Savannah began looking a little yellow yesterday, and though her jaundice levels were still fairly low, they placed her under the lights last night just as a precautionary step. When we arrived to see her this morning she was sporting her purple sunglasses.

She was moving her hands a lot today also, and even grasped my finger and lifted her arms to stretch!

Still no breast milk yet, but that time will come just like everything else. Her x-rays still show that she has the same amount of lung tissue, but it is only four days into the ECMO machine. By ten to fourteen days there should be a difference to get her through the next surgery. So that is where we need to direct our prayers also! More lung tissue!!

We changed her socks again today, and the nurses find delight in how girly she is already. I got the go ahead for mittens as well since her hands are on the cool side!

Thank you all for your prayers. They are working wonders!! Koady and I are so grateful.

DAY FOUR!!

All our love,

Koady, Megan, & Savannah

Savannah Day Four

August 26th-27th

{A morning soak in the sun!} 

{Like father, like daughter.}

{We look so good in our shades.}

{New socks. She knows her fashion!}

{Holding mommies hand, and heart.}

{Stretch baby stretch.}

{Here it is!}

{The Kiwanis house...*giggles*}

{The regular trips to see our girl.}

Letters home. {Day Three}

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

2:11pm

Savannah's Day Three

Written by Mommy

Well, Savannah's day was a little rougher today. Although she is still doing well, she did have her moments. Which is to be expected. Last night her heart rate dropped and they had to give her epinephrine to bring it back up again.

Doctors are still thinking the tube in her heart are in too deep. Now they are talking about pulling the tubes out a little to relieve the suction when Savannah is moved. They are reviewing the x-rays some more.

Her swelling has gone down a lot from yesterday, so now her head is trying to return to the original shape. The nurses ordered a special "yellow pillow" for her head to rest on, which felt like it was filled with a gel like memory foam. They were hoping it would take the pressure off of the side of her head since she has to stay in that one position due to the tubes in her neck. They do worry that her skin will start breaking down from not being able to move her from that one spot. Kind of like bed sores. In trying to gently lift her head and place the yellow pillow under her this afternoon, the tubes did the "vacuum seal" again and they couldn't find a spot that brought flow back to the ECMO machine. Koady and I were there to watch how quickly the room can fill with three intensive care doctors, and seven nurses. {And the neonatal surgeon for ECMO.} I never imagined witnessing "code blue" being called about my child as I sit back helplessly. They had to give her another epinephrine shot, and chest compressions to get her heart rate up again. We decided that she does NOT like the yellow pillow, and again being messed with. {I told Koady we were going home and removing all yellow from her room.}

Stats are doing just fine again thankfully. Her urine has been a little pink due to the episodes she had with the pump flow last night and then again this afternoon, but they assured me that it is to be expected from her little issues.

We understand that these things are going to happen frequently, and though we hate to see it happen, it is comforting knowing what amazing hands she is in. The only exciting part of it for me, is it aroused her so much, that she was wide awake for a good five minutes afterwards and I got to see her big beautiful brown eyes... Which I haven't gotten to since the night she was born. I talked to her and she looked at me and stared right into my eyes. It was magical!! And as she looked into her mommies eyes, I just talked to her and she would raise her eyebrows as if to aknowledge what I had to say.

We bought her some pink socks today, and she wears them proudly! She does like pink, for there were no issues putting the socks on! She also has a pink bear that now sits and watches over her. We will just continue to bring in the little things that the nurses give us the go ahead to spoil her with.

She didn't get started on breast milk today as they had discussed. They plan on waiting a few more days due to where her stomach is located also.

In other good news, we talked with another mommy of a one month old in the "PICU" who was born with a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia just like Savannah, who gets to go home shortly. There is just so much to be thankful for right now!

We send our love!

THREE DAYS OLD!!! God is great!!

Koady, Megan, & Savannah

Savannah Day Three

August 25th-26th

{Good Morning Sunshine!}

{Savannah's Dr. Seuss socks!}
{The staff LOVED these!}

{Introducing... Mr. Snugglesworth!}

{Yes, that is her bear's name...}

{Daddy and his girl}

{Always getting some kisses from momma!}



Letters home. {Day Two}

Since I've told the story of Savannah's birth, and her death, I thought I would share the letters I wrote and emailed out to our friends and family back home. They were all eager to hear details of each day we spent with her. {These will be spanned out over the next few days, leading up to her three month letter.}

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

1:14pm

Savannah's Day Two

Written by Mommy

Here are all of the pictures we have of Miss. Savannah so far.

They should be in order and start with the day she was born until today.

Yesterday's pictures are pretty rough, but keep in mind this was after her ECMO surgery and she hadn't been cleaned up yet.

You will see tremendous difference in the pictures from today with how wonderful she is doing, and how great she looks.

I am sure the pictures will be a little overwhelming for some, but we don't see the tubes and wires, just our beautiful and strong little girl.

We miss you all! And all three of us send our love.

Koady, Megan, & Savannah

*Savannah's stats good all day.

*2nd ultrasound done on her heart.

*Had 1st ultrasound done on her head to check for bleeding in the brain. Just checking because of how severe her swelling is.

*Laura & Mina's goals for the day is to get swelling down, and keep her from swelling more. (Tried different positions.)

*Breast milk feedings start tomorrow.

*Heart rate did go up into the 230's, the adjusted her ECMO levels and gave her a dose of something to slow her heartrate. (Afternoon 25th)

*Color and complexion much better from ECMO oxygen.

*Laura & Mina adjusted blankets under her and she opened her eyes out of irritation. (Smile)

*Heart rate dropped in the middle of the night. Doctors think the tubes in her heart are in very deep and since her heart is over to the left, when she is moved to an awkward position the tubes (being at an angle) act as a vaccum hose pushed up against the carpet. (Non medical terminology.)

{I will not be disclosing pictures of Savannah after surgery.}

{They are very personal to us, and we do not like for them to be displayed.}

Savannah Day One

August 23rd-24th

{Meeting you. Mercy Medical Center NICU.}

{Our beautiful brown haired girl.}

{Clutching onto daddy.}

Savannah Day Two

August 24th-25th

{Savannah cleaned up and swollen after her ECMO surgery}

{Us and our little fighter.}

{Her gorgeous long finger nails.}

{My love of baby hands.}