Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Two week tinge.

Yesterday officially marked two weeks since Savannah left us. Everything, and everyone has pretty much moved forward and moved on. But I wake with the thought every morning. Things throughout the day remind me of her, constantly. And everynight I fall asleep cuddled with the pink polkadot blanket she had with her during her entire stay at UC Davis. I still have funeral momento's and medical bills scattered all over my house.

But, yesterday things reminded me of her just a "little bit" more. First thing in the morning we recieved a call from Jim Allen, the funeral home director. It was finally time to sit down and draw up plans to send off for her permanant headstone. Being that I have never picked a headstone before, there were many things that I didn't know you could do. I didn't know you could draw things and have them etched on. Since Koady is quite the artist, we chose to have him draw a picture for Savannah. It is a sweet little picture of the stuffed giraffe that Grandma and Grandpa brought her all the way from their trip to New York City. {Giraffes were the animal we picked for her while I was still pregnant, to decorate her nursery. You know, since giraffes live on the "Savannah."} The cartoon giraffe will sit on the corner of a cloud with stars in the "blue pearl" colored rock. Everything I hoped to fit on her tombstone, as I anticipated, may not fit. I want her full name; first/middle/and last. I want her date of birth and date of death. And finally on top of everything else. I want the scripture that we picked just for her.

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you."
Philippians 1:3

Since I am sure most of you {or so I pray} have never had to pick out an infants headstone, you are probably unfamiliar with how tiny they like them to be. Jim has been so gracious to us through the entire process, and assured me he would try his best to make sure everything I asked for fit. He and his wife had lost four children before they went on to have five more healthy babies!!

I am anxious to see how beautiful her finished product will be... especially with her daddies picture! They said it can take up to three weeks... maybe longer in our case...

My hardest moments are usually when I am face to face with reality. And what I mean by that, because obviously reality has slapped me in the face, is when I am standing next to women and their healthy beautiful babies. I am sure I have given many mothers the heebee jeebee's by the way I end up staring at their babies. I can't help the trans I get lost into. I drift into another world when eyes lock with a small persons... I DO dream about pushing her through a store while she sleeps in her carseat. I DO think about what her cry might of sounded like, or what her feminine little voice would have said as her first word. I DO wonder what she would be looking like now that we are approaching the "one month old" mark... First birthday... first smile... first tooth... first boo boo. All of these play through my mind every encounter I make.  
Or pregnant women. I can't help everytime I see a glowing pregnant mommy to be, but say a prayer that her baby be healthy as can be... but it makes me miss her. I miss her kicks, and hiccups. I miss the time when Savannah was still "healthy" as can be. I miss bumping into the shower curtain when I would turn to the side in the shower. I miss being hot and uncomfortable, because I just miss her...

It will get easier with time. Sometimes I wonder on my daily trips to her grave site if the people who work there think to themselves, "she's back again." I wonder if my daily trips will ever become less frequent. I know they will. I am sure these feelings of counting down the days, and everyday trips to her cemetary will fade and become less frequent, but until then, I will just assume these feelings are normal. 

My cousin took pictures of the funeral that I made into a slideshow in addition to the slideshow I made for her funeral of her days with us... feel free to click on the attatched links and take a look at the beauty that God gave us! 

Until next time...

1 comment:

Charis said...

your videos are beautiful and she is a beautiful baby. praying for you.