Friday, November 12, 2010

What to expect.

I read a blog recently, where the mother {whom just lost her son} said she wasn't sure where to go with her blog now since her precious boy was gone. I related to her words tremedously. She was right.

How long can you continue writing about someone who isn't here. Someone that the world is content now to go on without. Someone the world has no problem not thinking about. I've mentioned once before after Savannah passed, that I don't have any more pictures to share, or updates to give. But as I talked to a friend of mine yesterday, we discussed how we wished it were the day of our babies death, or the day after even. Because our babies would still matter. People would still comfort. People still said their names. And it occured to me. We write these blogs because us as their mothers will always say their names. We will never forget the pain of loosing a soul that wouldn't exist if it weren't for us.

So, I may not be a walking edition of "What to expect the first years" but I, as Savannah's mother, bring a lot to the table too.

Don't say her name if you can't face your own insecurities.
I will.

If you think she wasn't important because she can't be here.
That's okay.
She will always be my everything.

Don't bother calling just to say, I was thinking about Savannah,
if you think it will hurt me.
I've already lost her. The pain can't get anyworse.
Hearing about her, thinking about her, is all I have left.
Regaurdless of your "reminders."

If you think me speaking of her continually on her blog
isn't helping me heal, or you think I am dwelling on the past...

Savannah is my past.
Savannah is my present.
Savannah is my future.
Grieving is something that will last for the
rest of my life.
She was a human being.
She was a soul.
She was my daughter.

And I will always speak of her.
Remember her.
Love her.

It's too bad the world didn't feel the same way. Savannah will only really be dead if her legacy doesn't continue on through mommy.

Being eleven short days marks Savannah's three month milestone, I thought I'd share with you her earthly accomplisments... Even though her heavenly accomplishments are far greater.

Savannah, who is smiling now...
can also recognize her mommy, daddy,
and a select few others.

If she hears our voices, she looks for us in the room,
and shakes arms in excitment when she finds us.

She is becoming aware of the outside world,
and she is sensitive to environment changes.

If we talk to her,
she will coo and gurgle back.

{And some of mommies own assumptions...}

She loves bathtime now,
even though she hated it in the beginning.
She also loves being massaged afterwards.

Savannah loves to be nursed,
and sung to.

She thinks her big sister,
and big brothers are amazing.
She flashes her big, beautiful,
toothless grin at them often.

She loves going to Grandma and Grandpa's.
Being rocked on Grandpa's shoulder is one
of her favorites, just like her siblings.

Savannah looks beautiful in all of her
pink outfits, and is wearing her
warm weather clothes now that
it is getting cold outside.

She has rubbed off alot of her
long baby mullet hairs in the back.

She enjoys snuggling in under daddies chin
when he comes home from work every evening.

She loves the swing that Grammy
bought her. She watches the stars sparkle
as it rocks her to sleep.

She is sleeping better through the night,
and is awake more during the day...

There are many more things about Savannah,
but afterall... this is only a fantasy,
and I can't seem to remember all of the wonderful things
about having a three month old.......


Tiffany said...

ms savannah is so lucky to have such a loving devoted momma. you are right, we will never forget our little ones. they are are everythings. they made the biggest impact in our world, and they should always be remembered {if even just by us}. ((hugs)) thank you for all of the love and support you have given me. words can not express how much it means to me.

Serenity's Mommy ♥ said...

She is still doing all of those things. Just not where you can see her. <3

Charis said...

you are a good mommy. of course she will always be a part of your family. my friends who lost their son halfway through pregnancy and have his footprints and length and weight and death certificate sign his name along with everyone else's in all their correspondence. i love it because he really is a part of their family still. savannah is your daughter and you can write about her as much as you want. that just is what moms do. :)

Stacey said...

Someone once told me, if we don't carry on our children's memory, then who will? No one can carry on Savannah's memory and legacy like her mommy can. No one will ever know Savannah the way her mommy and daddy do but it doesn't mean we will ever tire of bringing her name or making her apart of our daily conversations.

Always thinking of and remembering Savannah
even as months and years pass.

Tina said...

There are people who consider her very Important and encourages you to keep on talking about her.

Especially the Lord wants you to.

In Christ's Love
Sis in Christ