Sunday, November 14, 2010

When your alone.

It's 11:25pm here. I am up. I am awake. This is the first night, that my heartache is keeping me awake. As tears stream down my face, I want so badly for someone to be there..............

Savannah, are you there?
It's me mommy.
I've been so strong for you little one,
But tonight? Tonight I cannot be strong anymore.

I just had the phone cradled in my hands. Wishing for a voice of comfort to come in through the other end. But sadly, for my sake... There is no one. There will never be anyone.

No one to trust in a time like this.
No one who wouldn't judge me. 
No one who wouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable.
No one who isn't half asleep.
Just no one.

Everyone is tucked in their beds, where I should be right now. Everyone probably had no trouble falling to sleep tonight. I am sure no one thought of the fact that my baby doesn't sleep in the bed next to me where she should. But I did.

I hate the pain of the world. I hate that there is devastation this great. I hate feeling the darkness of lonely road creeping in. I hate feeling that no matter how hard I pray, at this very moment, nothing will help me overcome these feelings.

I just want this pain to be over. But it will never be over. For everyone else it will, but for me? It will always be a shadow that follows me everywhere I go.

My husband and I went round and round in a conversation tonight trying to avoid discussing what my feelings were actually about. The additional pains and frustrations of life lead me here. Feeling the turmoil of loosing Savannah. 

Tonight, I just want her back.

It would make all of the other pains
of the world seem inadequate.

And the last thing I want to hear...
is how I should be feeling.

Because right now?

Right now,
I just want to feel like this. 


Stacey said...

Some nights are harder than others, as are some lives! Some will never know your pain (lucky them), some will turn away when you pain is too much for you to bear all alone! I am not one of those people!!! I am always here because I know your pain!!! I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep, to grieve alone, for your arms to ache soo badly just to hold your baby, and nothing helps relieve the pain except maybe a friend who understands and one who won't judge, that wants to help you carry the pain of losing Savannah so you don't have to carry it alone!!!! Just remember when everyone else is sleeping and the pain is too much to bear... I am here & I will listen and try to help you not hurt so much & not feel so alone!!!

Always thinking of you, Savannah, and your broken hurt

Megan said...

I love you Stacey! <3

Jaydens mommy said...

Megan I am sorry last night was a hard night. I know those nights very well. ANd I know hiding my true feelings very well also. The tear stained pillow cases, the puffy eyes. You ARE NOT alone. And like Stacey, I am here as well. Thinking of you & precious Savannah.