Savannah, are you there?
It's me mommy.
I've been so strong for you little one,
But tonight? Tonight I cannot be strong anymore.
I just had the phone cradled in my hands. Wishing for a voice of comfort to come in through the other end. But sadly, for my sake... There is no one. There will never be anyone.
No one to trust in a time like this.
No one who wouldn't judge me.
No one who wouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable.
No one who isn't half asleep.
Just no one.
Everyone is tucked in their beds, where I should be right now. Everyone probably had no trouble falling to sleep tonight. I am sure no one thought of the fact that my baby doesn't sleep in the bed next to me where she should. But I did.
I hate the pain of the world. I hate that there is devastation this great. I hate feeling the darkness of lonely road creeping in. I hate feeling that no matter how hard I pray, at this very moment, nothing will help me overcome these feelings.
I just want this pain to be over. But it will never be over. For everyone else it will, but for me? It will always be a shadow that follows me everywhere I go.
My husband and I went round and round in a conversation tonight trying to avoid discussing what my feelings were actually about. The additional pains and frustrations of life lead me here. Feeling the turmoil of loosing Savannah.
Tonight, I just want her back.
It would make all of the other pains
of the world seem inadequate.
And the last thing I want to hear...
is how I should be feeling.
Because right now?
I just want to feel like this.