Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Behind closed doors.

 In this journey I like {or dislike might be a better word} to call trying to conceive, I feel this is an issue that other woman out there might be able to relate to. --I am not trying to lead my blog down a trashy path, so please just bear with me. You can stop reading here if you'd like.-- 

I have discovered that those three words can be a woman's worst nightmare. "Trying" to conceive. And that is just it, we are only as far as trying. The other night I sat wondering to myself, where did the intimacy go? As I sat rumbling though the chaos in my mind I found what I was looking for. My intimate life was huddled up behind some file cabinets in the very back of my sub conscious. It was frightened to be honest. Tormented by ovulation tests, negative pregnancy tests, elevated hips, timers, and do I really want to say it, stress and doubts. 

Infertility has never been a department I thought twice about. But then again, congenital defects weren't either. I guess these life lessons I continue to find myself venturing through, all play a role in what we are experiencing in this particular time in our lives. I never timed ovulation while we tried for our other children. Savannah took the longest at a record breaking {giggle} three months. I recently met other women trying to conceive after a loss. I walked into a foreign territory. Here were these young healthy ladies doing things I couldn't even come up with in my wildest dreams. My head was spinning as I googled myself into a "conception coma."

And then, just like that without standing on my head while drinking a glass of peppermint tea, or jumping backwards three times at sunrise I got a positive pregnancy test. The line was so faint, but it was definitely there. It was confirmed by my doctor. In the short week we had, we planned out every last detail of that pregnancy. And again, just like that... it was gone.

It sent us spiraling back to square one. Suddenly I worked myself into a frenzy. This is when intimacy found itself pushed into that back corner. I bought my first package of ovulation tests this month. It hasn't been a joyful ride. Personally I think the pregnancy test companies conspired with the ovulation test companies to create a test that always has somewhat of a faint line, for those {not me of course} girls who have a slight addiction to peeing on a stick.

They throw in a "faulty" ovulation stick, or two or three, that does turn that dark pink like it is supposed to into the batch. Can someone please explain to me why at 11am, after holding my bladder for four hours, not drinking anything for two, it shows a dark line, but at 2pm you can hardly see anything? While it repeats itself the next day only at reversed times!?

Trying to conceive shouldn't ever become a chore. I truly believe it plays a role into struggling to get pregnant. Stress. We all know what makes a baby. Conceiving isn't supposed to be this complicated. It wasn't designed to be this way. Conception is all apart of a divine plan. The planned for, and the "surprises." To carry a baby? That is two people coming together as one. Another divine purpose. 

 Lets see if this changes the outcome.


Mary said...

We are just now beginning this journey. I don't want intimacy to take a backseat but it just seems inevitable. Wishing you the best!

Mrs. Tate said...

I'm right where you're at... We've recently begun this journey as well. We had our daughter two months ago today and were only able to spend 6 precious days with her.

It's hard to not see it as a chore, but just know that you are not alone. And the thousands of us out there are all thinking the same things you wrote.

I pray the journey becomes easier for us all.

Heidi said...

I remember having those same thoughts this last go round.

I hope your intimacy reigns so that you don't go "stick" crazy!

John and Allie Fields said...

I am praying and praying for you on this!!!!

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