Thursday, March 24, 2011

Putting my mind to it.

As I've once mentioned, last year {and by that I mean the 09'-10' school year} I home schooled Sarah through kindergarten. It wasn't easy. Anyone who portrays home schooling as a walk in the park is probably lying stretching the truth. But apart from it being a challenge you must dedicate your whole heart into, it really was a blessing. I realize this now more than ever, making the hard decision to send the kids to a charter school right up the road from us this year.

When the summer was coming to a close, a feeling deep down inside kept pulling me away from home school. I had every intention on continuing on with Sarah, and now with Michael starting as well. A voice was telling me, "you just cannot do it. You cannot take on this load this year." I battled with these feelings for months. I thought my cold feet were coming from the fact that I was pregnant and due right at the beginning of the school year. I knew that a newborn would be up all night, and my brain may not be functioning up to par. But what a contradicting thought. That could not be the real reason. What a selfish excuse. Then my thoughts lead me to, how will you breastfeed and keep up with schoolwork? That was an easy fix. Obviously I could breastfeed anywhere at my own convenience. What was the real reason? Many nights of lost sleep went into my prayers for an answer. One afternoon, in July, I sat down on the couch with my laptop and the tab blinked at me as it awaited to Google what I was looking for.

"Charter Schools in Redding, California."

At a click of a button, the world wide web directed me, to the local Charter Schools. The first one on the list gave an address and a phone number. I shouted across the house at my husband asking him if he knew where *a certain street* was. {Undisclosed for the protection of my children.} He shouted back, "It sounds familiar, but I am not sure." Which lead me to Google Maps. {Don't you just adore Google?} Coincidentally it was right up the road from where we had moved only months prior. I looked into their website. Small school. K-8th. Class sizes of approximately 8-12 students. It was exactly what I needed to find in that moment. I knew that God directed me to where the final decision laid. That same day I called and left a message for the Principal. We met with her later the next week, and she accepted both Sarah and Michael's enrollment as the last application for 1st and Kindergarten. 

They started exactly one week before Savannah was born. Exactly one. Of all of the thoughts that I struggled through, not one of them had to do with why my heart knew I couldn't home school through the year ahead. God pushed my heart, knowing all along what would be best for our family through the death of Savannah.

We have again decided without hesitation, that we are going to continue to home school next year. And I am completely at ease about it. Even if another baby is in our midst. There is an overwhelming feeling that everything will be okay. Just the same as it was when the feeling was overwhelming that something wasn't right. Even if the scenario turns out just the same, {because there is always a chance} this time we know, that everything will be okay. Baby here, or baby gone... everything will be okay.

I've done some reflecting this past week of where I want to go from here. Reflections are wonderful, don't you agree? Obviously we are still trying to conceive. I woke up a morning last week with an overwhelming feeling of relief. Whether I have hidden my devastating feelings well or not, I don't know. But not getting pregnant right away as I usually do, has been ultimately overwhelming, stressful, painful, and heart wrenching. To say the least. But as He never fails me, that morning of happiness and relief He showed me that I have my own time. This expected, prepared for, hoped for, prayed for, dreamed for, already named baby... has his or her own time. Though there are many women around me trying to conceive and finding out the news I long for, suddenly the weight was lifted. "This isn't a competition," He spoke. "I will not forget you. I hear your prayers. Continue to trust me." 

So in the process of reflective thinking, I discovered there is no rush. My idea of "perfect timing" never measures up to His actual perfect timing. I discovered that I want to be more crafty. More creative. I want to finish or actually start projects I have dreamed up on my head but never pursued. I've continued writing in hopes of finishing my book. I've already begun preparing for the upcoming school year, and I can hardly contain my excitement with the new curriculum I will be using and ideas that are forming! I want to get back into couponing. I started while I was pregnant with Savannah. Not because we have to, but because the idea of free things just thrills me! {Read Shop, Save, and Share by Ellie Kay. I love this woman!}

So in a nutshell that is where I stand currently. It may not seem like big changes. But they are changes that for the moment, just need to be made.

3 comments:

ASHLEY ELDER said...

That is so neat, I admire you for home schooling, I have always wanted to but feel so lost.

I pray that you get exactly what we need when you need it...as far as another baby, I truly believe that a "rainbow baby" is exactly what every mother needs after losing a sweet child. Although, I am nervous and was so MAD when I found out I was PG, it really has been a blessing and seeing my daughter SO excited to have a new little brother to take care of (again) makes my heart hurt a little bit less.

Good luck next year with home schooling! I may want some ideas from you :)

Rachel said...

Thank you for being so honest and sharing. It always amazes me how the Lord knows what we need or don't need and He finds ways to make sure we are in the place He wants us to be, if we will just listen.
For me it was not having done anything to get ready for our baby, I think it was the Lord making sure our pain was not greater by having to put away all the baby stuff after Emily died.

John and Allie Fields said...

What you wrote gave me the chills in a good way...

suddenly the weight was lifted. "This isn't a competition," He spoke. "I will not forget you. I hear your prayers. Continue to trust me."

Don't you LOVE when God clearly speaks to you and without a doubt you know it's him? I have tried to explain to people that it does happen. It may not be audible but you can feel those words deep down inside. It's pretty much the coolest feeling ever!!

Yay homeschool! I want so bad to be able to homeschool in a couple years but I've got to get John on board first. I am soooo excited to hear all about your adventures in it and the new curriculum you picked!