Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Blessings amungst Pain.

Yesterday was not hard at all. Believe it or not. There was a brief moment of overwhelming tears, but I describe them as "happy tears" rather than sad ones. We recieved our "Savannah Bear," made by "Molly Bears." I have mentioned Molly Bears once already in my blog, but let me refresh your memory. After recieving my bear, I can assure you they are worth a second introduction. SO worth it. It is a group of amazing women who make weighted bears for the baby whom passed away. Its a chance for mother's to get to feel their babies weight in their arms. -Sigh-
Let me tell you, it isn't the fact that every bear they make is the one and only, or that they include little memories of your baby on the bears. It's the weight. I cut through the box yesterday and the purple fur peeked back at me. My bear was smiling. Oh how I had wished that I would recieve a smiling bear. And then I lifted all 6lbs. 2oz. out of that box. And a wave of emotion blasted through me. Wow. Had she really felt this heavy? I asked my mom if she wanted to hold her. As I laid the bear in my mom's arms instant tears overcame her as well, and she buried her face in the neck of our Savannah Bear.
So yes,
it's the weight.

We spent time yesterday afternoon at her gravesite. Making it as special as can be for we know Savannah looks down from heaven and see's the people who care enough to visit her grave. Without saying a word, Koady's heart was crying the same things mine was. There I was knees buried into the grass, as I brushed away dry grass that had blown onto her headstone from the weed eater. 

Here we were. Yet again, probably our millionth time at her burial site, on her birthday, and we were the first and only visitors to her site. Her blue granite, dusty and deserted, was finally gleaming back it's beauty because her mommy, daddy, brothers, sister, and grandma, were the only ones who cared enough to go. We left Savannah's earthly resting place far from dusty and deserted. 

We were thought of all day yesterday, as people remembered our girl. I've grown so much through the past year, and have learned that even one year later, there will still be things people say that hurt. That people don't stop to think about how we may percieve them. And I am finally capable of saying "that's okay." Yes it may still hurt. Yes they still make me cry. But it's okay. Because no matter the things people say to comfort themselves, I know that Savannah is Koady's... And Savannah is mine. And people can believe what they want to believe, for it isn't going to change who she really belongs to. And till Koady and I can be with her again, she belongs to God. She always has. And she will remain in HIS arms, until she can be placed in the only arms she rightfully belongs in...

Yesterday morning, I had the pleasure of having a doctors appointment scheduled. On the day we remembered Savannah's arrival for her short visit, I got to hear the beautiful sound of our new babies heartbeat. Still in the 170's, and as quickly as his or her heartbeat was galloping, mine was beating just as fast. It was just what I needed yesterday. A reminder that though Savannah is no longer here with us, we are still awaiting yet another treasure in our lives. Our Hope.

And on that note, have I mentioned we have a new girls name? It is much more fitting...

Victoria Hope

Boy's name? Yeah we are in the process of changing that too! And all we've got for now?

{First name.}

I suggested Koady for the middle name, but the other Koady, doesn't like that too much. So readers, what do YOU think, his middle name should be?

Annnd, do you guess PINK or do you guess BLUE?
{Enter your guess in the poll on the top right side!!!}

Another blogger did this comparison and I thought
it was a great idea...
:::So here is what you have to go off of:::

Carried: High
Craved: Lemons
Heartbeat: 160-170bpm
Didn't look FAT at all.

Carried LOOOW
Craved: Ribs and Corn on the Cob
(EVERY night!)
Heartbeat: 120-130 bpm

Carried: LOOOW
Craved: Apples
Heartbeat: 130-140 bpm

Carried: High
Craved: Sour Punch Straws and Cherry Slurpies
{Not the best choices huh?}
Heartbeat: 160-175 bpm
Didn't look too FAT.

Craving: Lemons.
{I actually sqeezed lemons on my stuffed shells last night.}
Heartbeat: 170 bpm
Can't judge my fatness or how I am carrying yet.



The Anglin Family said...

Big hugs!!! My heart goes out to you..

As far as your comparison thing, I will say my morning sickness was way worse with the girls. And the girls heartrates were in 160's to 170's. I also ate lots of sour patch kids. I'm thinking if morning sickness is an indicator, this one must be a girl...

Love your names.:)

John and Allie Fields said...

Girl, girl, girl! I love that you got to hear the heartbeat yesterday =)

Holly said...

Based on your pregnancies it looks like girl!!

And hooray for your Savannah bear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!