Monday, August 22, 2011

A different life.

Let me tell you a story. A story from only one year ago on this day. There was a pregnant young women, expecting a healthy baby. She sat surrounded by family and friends at a baby shower. She was ignorant. She was naive. She believed when a doctor tells you everything is just fine, everything was fool proof.
She took pictures of her big thirty six week belly. She is smiling in all of these pictures. But what you cannot see in those pictures is pain behind that smile. Because this was a time before there was a sorrow in every smile. Captured in every picture. This was a time that babies didn't just die. One year ago today, this women lived in a better world. A world that infant death, and birth defects were cliche. A world before this became her world.
This women in those last twenty four hours, never dreamed she would and could plan a funeral. She never dreamed of delivering that baby, that she would never hold in her arms, unless cradled one last time on a pillow. It was her very last day, in the real world. Before she entered a new world. A world separate from everyone else.
Separate from the people without heartache behind their smiles. Separate from the unknowing nature of everyone who doesn't "get it." Separate from the ones who give grief a time limit. And although we are separated from the ones who keep their babies, there are many of us here. Through the past year, my husband and I realize that though we have to go through this alone, we are never truly alone. There will always be those like us. That having been down this dark journey, our grief, our loss, is important. As the weeks followed today one year ago, some in "the other world" went back to their daily lives. They got busy. They couldn't find time to call, or come by. They showed that they really didn't care. And why would they?
Such as sad situation. The death of anyone, let alone an infant. A mere eight days old. But it wasn't theirs. So when the clouds lifted and she was placed in the ground, I can't help but think people must think the clouds have lifted from the parents as well.
At first, as a new comer to this new place, I was hurt. But then as I ventured out and met other lovely women who also have the stories of life before and life after I realized that those are the women who don't put a expiration date on grief. Those are the ladies who will remember and speak our Savannah's name long after she is gone. They are the ones who will forever say, "how are you?" They are the women who see past the smiles in the pictures and know when you are filling up with tears. I hope I can always return the favor to each of you. When those days arise, which I know they always do, and you feel like no one cares, I can say, "Thinking of you and your angel."
Though a year ago today, I was a different person, I have found wonderment in this new place we call home. That is the mommies who walk this path with me, and their babies and the stories they have left on my heart.
Two nights ago, I planned something else I never dreamed I would be doing one year ago today. Celebrating Savannah's first birthday in Heaven. It was small, but intimate and beautiful. I am sure she looked down on us with her heart full of love and many friends at her own birthday celebration. We love you Savannah. One more day, and you will be One...

 {Her Beautiful Cake.}


Cally said...

I remember that life all too well. Oh how I miss that life. I'd rather be naive that feel the pain of losing a baby. One thing I wouldn't change though, is walking through this journey with you. I wish we could have met in a healthy pregnancy chat room, but instead, God, and our babies chose this path for us. We are not alone. Thinking of you, Koady, Sarah, Michael, Brody, Savannah (and new baby Fraser) as tomorrow approaches and you reach the one year anniversary of when you became not-so naive. I love you! <3

Jackie said...

Oh Megs, you make me cry. I thought about you this morning as I looked at my calendar and saw that Savannah is going to be one year old tomorrow. I love the cake. It is beautiful just like the little girl it was made for.

Auntie said...

I'm so thankful that God gave you your Angel Mommies who know exactly what you are feeling and going thru each moment. I love you.

Radiant Readhead said...

HUGS!! thinking of you and Savannah!

John and Allie Fields said...

This morning I had a prayer time for you,Koady, and the kids. Prayers for comfort, peace, and a day only filled with love.

I love you sweetie.

Happy Birthday sweet Savannah!

Jennifer said...

Hugs to you! This community of women truly is wonderful.

Caroline said...

{{{Hugs}}} Thinking of you & Savannah & your family.