We do it with love.

Yesterday, and for the very first time in my life, I met a blogging friend. Face to face. Charis (pronounced Ka-Reese) over at, at the gate called beautiful, has been so kind and encouraging as I wrote about life with Savannah. Or life there after.

See, her and her husband, just welcomed their fifth addition into their family. Hosea. Oh he is beautiful. Truly perfect. (Go visit her page, and you will see just how adorable he is!) She is truly a woman after my own heart, having five precious little ones, and a marriage that is few and far between these days. By that I mean, a genuine, real, true love kind of thing.

She made Davis the sweetest little crocheted hat when he was born. She sent some of her own little hand me down clothes, and really made me feel that Davis was loved; Treasured; Adored.

Don't mind the yucky camera phone picture!

I know, I know. Isn't the hat adorable?! She took time from her own life... her own busy, pregnant, (at the time) mommy life, to make something, for my tiny (at the time) baby. 

So obviously I couldn't resist to do the exact same. I made sweet Hosea a teal, and brown blanket covered in wide eyed owls. (Owls are in. And owls are cute. Just so you know.) At first I wandered aimlessly up and down the isles of Joann fabrics, looking for something with giraffes. You know, because giraffes are Savannah's thing. I wanted to share a piece of what makes me think of Savannah, a deep seeded piece of my heart, with this loved, treasured, adored baby to be. But just as I have come to find, "giraffe" is not so easy to find in "boy." It is right now, a very popular "girl" attire. And I will be completely honest, it breaks my heart over and over again, when I see the giraffy print girly things...Outfits, blankets, towels, socks, pants, pacifiers, bottles, nursery decor... trust me when I say, the list goes on and on. 

Hello sweet girl!

There are times that I do though, want to share what made Savannah, Savannah, with others. And Hosea's blanket was definitely one of those times. Yet again, and not much to my surprise anymore, there was not a single giraffe fabric, that could even be "gender neutral." We spent at least an hour, my four children and I that is, examining every last fabric for the potential snuggled recipient. On our last rounds, feeling very much like Goldie Locks," I found the owls. And the owls found me. The owls were Davis approved. And baby approved is like a five star rating in my book. ;)

As I drove that blanket over to her house last night, I was giddy. And a little nervous. Here I was about to meet a friend, one I felt like I knew already, yet I had never once been in her presence. We pulled onto her street, and I instantly saw her mini van parked in the garage. (Minivan families unite!) I got out of MY minivan, and of course unloaded Davis from his car seat. My heart smiled as I walked to the door and could hear the voices of numerous little boys. Did I neglect to mention, all five of her children are BOYS?! 

I. love. it!

We chatted for a bit, and I was thrilled to meet her family. I awed over the baby (*swoon*) and it felt just as normal in person, as it does from her computer screen to mine. 

Her life is (as I know from experience) busy and chaotic. She probably finds herself humbled and at a loss for words when people ask her "how do you do it all?!" And like me, she probably just does it. Naturally. With lots of hugs, kisses, noise, grace, faith, and love. 

Because that how mommies of five do it.

Congratulations Charis & Bill. ♥

Gifts of Life

baby shower

n:

a party given for a pregnant woman, 

to which guests bring presents for the baby

The question has been asked. And I find it more frequent these days. I've had three out of four baby showers. My fifth pregnancy. People still wonder, "when is your baby shower." My, uh, baby shower? I cannot help but be taken by surprise. 

Your first baby. That by far was my most extravagant baby shower. Of course it would be. First time parents, that is a given that the family has nothing "baby." By your fifth? People stop offering advice. People hardly ever ask how your feeling. I see commercials about pregnant women being lavished in "stretch mark lotions" during their pregnancy. Cocoa butter has yet to show up on my doorstep. And let me tell you, I think there is an invisible stamp on my forehead that says,  

"it's not my first baby,

it's not exciting, 

please feel free to NOT touch my belly

or ask when I am due."

Sometimes the awkward "baby loss mommy" inside me cannot help but wonder, "can they sense that I've lost one? Do complete strangers even not want to get too attached?"

So when the question arises, "when is your baby shower." From the beginning I've said, "I'm not having one, I don't see family members and friends really wanting to take that chance again."

Two weeks ago, giving my typical answer, I received a new response. It took me a little by surprise. The voice on the other end replied, "yeah. I'll send something after the baby is born." Now I am no stranger anymore to people saying things that sometimes hurt my feelings. And it really doesn't sound like much, but it got me thinking.

I don't see family members and friends really wanting to take that chance again.

-Yeah.

I feel guilty for every last gift received for Savannah. Every dollar spent to forever sit cold in a tub in our garage.  I had really hoped I would be able to put those gifts to use with this pregnancy. But God felt my life needed something a little different.

The night Savannah died, as I leaned over her body, gently caressing her skin, the nurse said to me, "if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to call us." I looked at her through teary eyes, "Can you tell me what I am supposed to do with everything I received at my baby shower?" She looked at me, her eyes empty with an answer to my question. I said, "I'm thinking I'll give it back to everyone who bought it, so they can get their money back." She shook her head no, "don't do that, you hang onto it for awhile, and one day you will know what to do with it."

And I did I kept most everything. We returned some big unused items that were in definite pink colors. The car seat. Some blankets that weren't really sentimental. In it's place we purchased floating shelves to hold the ceramic figures bought for us to remember her.

The idea of sitting around once more opening presents in front of the same people who bought gifts for the hope that was our Savannah, I just cannot come to grips with. 

What would they be thinking? {"I hope I didn't just throw my hard earned money away again."} Would they only look at me and Davis through sad uncertain eyes? Would a day of celebration become a day of remorse?

But at the same time, I am an expecting mom. It is my fifth baby. My fifth pregnancy. Yes, I have a crib. I have a changing table. I have a glider rocker that I never got to rock my baby in. I've got some saved items through the years, and I have bought many of my own outfits for my little guy to be. 

Davis is a completely different person. He is a great gift in itself. He will show me and my husband that no matter what, Hope and Life can emerge from anything. I hope he can bring that message to those who did and didn't attend Savannah's baby shower. And though I feel every baby is worth celebrating no matter what the circumstance, I feel Davis deserves a celebration. He deserves a gift... Because he is our gift...

Because his mommy needs to know that herself, her husband, and Grandma are not the only people in the world to trust that he is here to stay. 

How many second, third, or fifth time mothers made the decision to celebrate? Or celebrate after a loss?

So on behalf of this journey that you all have walked through with me, I want to share my Gift of Life idea.

If you've followed along with "Savannah's story," I thought it would be inspiring, touching, and hopeful for anyone who would like, sent something USED from one of their own little ones. 

Sounds weird right?

Well, I'm not asking for you to buy anything.

I'd just love to see how many people Savannah's life has reached,

and I'd love to receive something from all of my readers whom have

been there for me and my family this past year

  from their own babies. 

A gift of life. Something that has seen life. Something that has seen love.

For the hope we have for Davis.

I would love to be able to share the hope that others have too.

You do not have to. At all.

But if you would like to.

If you have something you wouldn't mind parting with.

I would cherish every last glimpse of life.

{And please share with me about your little one, and your gift choice.}

<3 Leave a comment below. <3

 {25weeks}

The Final Day.

Today was it. It was the last. The final. Savannah's very last day with "hope" on earth. It was the very last day that we prayed for her in "that" way. We prayed that if it was her time, that she go peacefully. That our hearts we're filled with peace. I never truly knew what "peace" actually meant until I experienced it. Peace in the sense, prayers around the world were silently spoken to God for me and my husbands hearts. I have never experienced grace as I have by the comfort we recieved after her death. Prayer does work!

But as I sit here tonight I think back to this time last year. I've thought of it a lot this past week. What we were doing this time in 2010. And I want to go back. I want to relive that week with our Savannah again and again and again. But I know I can't. All I have is the sweet memories I will always cherish of our girl.

This morning, I received a phone call. It was a dear family friend. My mom's best friend you might say. All she wanted to say to me was that she loved us. That she was thinking of us. Not just tomorrow, but today. Because she knew that it's not always just the day of, but the days and moments leading up to that moment. That simple phone call, meant more than she will ever know.

It's a reminder that through this first year anniversary, there are some people who are thinking of us. Not oftheir pain, or memories, just Savannah's mommy and daddy. In these final days, we are the ones that really lost something. No matter what the connection was to anyone else, her mommy and her daddy are the ones who have thought of her every moment over the past year. We are the ones who hold an overwhelming love for the little person we met for a brief moment in our hearts. And one simple phone call assured me, that there are people who care enough to acknowledge that.

So on the evening before Savannah's death, I wanted to share her story with you all, once more...

Gone but never forgotten. 

~Savannah Victoria~

{Please pause playlist on the right!}

The ones who bring us up.

Even though I feel like there's nothing to say, I feel as though I have nothing else to do. Literally. Although I am still very much pregnant, and things are very much okay, I've been sentenced to temporary bedrest. "Take it easy.--Put your feet up.--Relax." All of these things, every mother dreams of. But when it comes down to it, it isn't as luxurious as it sounds. It is actually pure torture. I've spent as much one on one time with my couch that I ever wanted to, particularly at the beginning of summer.

After my emergency room visit on Sunday, I had my first follow up appointment Tuesday. It didn't start exactly as I had planned it would. My doctor is planning on leaving her practice. Thirty years of nurturing babies into the world, and my doctor was finishing up her days.
I knew that this meant she was not going to be there. She was not going to be the one. She was not going to cherish the moment that I hold the baby I've longed for.

Dr. Thomas Perry has taken over my prenatal care. I am currently going to to Mercy Maternity Center, so I can be seen regularly by the UC Davis Perinatologist, and she can schedule me a level 2 ultrasound at UC Davis to check for any possible problem this baby could possibly have.

At first I was not thrilled at the idea of just being seen at the Maternity Center associated with the hospital. During my follow up appointment, Dr. Perry discussed many things that comforted my mind. Based on my last menstrual period, the doctor said I was supposed to be 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant. But I continued to stress that I do not have 28day cycles. Usually more between 33-35.
He assured me that Sunday at the ER, my beta levels {or HCG/pregnancy hormones} were 6,958mlu. Which were again, perfect for where they were supposed to be. He wanted to do more lab work, and schedule yet another ultrasound to check the progress of the baby. He then told me, for things to look positive my beta levels needed to at least double what they were.
I asked many questions, and another 30year OB assured me... assured me...  that subchorionic hemorrhage is extremely common. And he see's them all the time. And since I am sure doctors just love and appreciate google, I asked some of the things I had heard. This kind of bleed reabsorbs into your body, or bleeds out, and the placenta does heal. So when I asked him if this increases the risk of placenta abruption the bigger the baby gets, his exact reaction, was a quaint smile, a kind eye roll, and a "not at all." Right now with the gestational sac being so small, it makes the hemorrhage seem so big in comparison. But as the baby grows, the sac grows, and the placenta grows. Making the clot smaller and smaller and less evasive. Until it eventually is gone. He said the hardest thing about Subchorionic Hemorrhage is that in the beginning, when the placenta attaches, or "implants", and causes the clot behind the placenta, there is a chance that it doesn't deliver proper nutrients to the baby, which can end development.
So another tube of blood was taken, and I sat in the parking lot in my car crying over my new environment, and saying goodbye to my doctor, while my mom listened and tried to comfort me on the phone.

I headed up to the hospital that same afternoon for a "doctors orders" squeezed in appointment. The technician who did my ER ultrasound, greeted me once again, and told me she was surprised to see me so soon because we wouldn't see much change in just two days. But we looked again anyways. Being she wasn't a doctor she isn't at liberty to give any information. I asked her a question about the previous ultrasound she had done. Hesitantly, she asked, what my doctor had told me. So I told her what I knew. She excitedly agreed. I told her as well that I wasn't a typical 28day cycle. She said that makes a big difference in fetal age, and the accuracy on where development stands. She showed me the screen, and said she knew it was just to early to see a heartbeat. If the doctor would wait another week, she would be able to see more.
Wednesday afternoon, my mom came down to join me on my second follow up appointment. My levels had doubled. 13,528mlu. He was pleased and said that my numbers were great. He also showed me the change in just a few days between my two ultrasounds.
I was rescheduled a third ultrasound for Monday June 13th, as well as a repeat blood draw. Which brings me to today. Friday. Still a complete two days, for final answers. A healthy heartbeat. What every doctor needs to see to be comforted in any early pregnancy.

So knowing all odds are in our favor, I find myself anxious for the news. For some news.

Which leads me to an irritable pregnant mood. Maybe it's the couch. Maybe Oscar was such a grouch because he was limited to his garbage can all the time. It's a good theory I think. Bed rest no matter how temporary can lead to insanity.

My Sarah turns seven years old in eight short days. I have exactly 41 people, including every child in her class invited to a party, I can not yet prepare for. My husband celebrates his 28th birthday in only four days. This year, I had plans to go above and beyond for his birthday. But this has limited me to what I had planned. And I don't like it. My husband is my everything, and I want him to know that he was born for me. His birthday is important. Something to be remembered. Something to not be late on. Because if you truly care for someone, you would never be late on their birthday.

He called his mom the other day. I could tell in his voice that after he had talked to her, he seemed happy. He called me afterwards, {Where was I? You got it, the couch...} and told me his mom asked if we were still going camping, and he said no. She asked if she could take us out to dinner for his birthday. As he was telling me this, I said, "I can tell that my hormones are still rising. Because first it happened when all my dear friends left encouragement for me on Facebook before my doctors appointments. The ones who care, are always there for us, not just when it is convenient for them. And it means so much, that your mom can make plans for your birthday when she knows I can't!!!" ::SILENCE:: My husband asked "Are you crying???" ::SNIFF SNIFF:: "Yes!"

So yes... Aside from my irritations. There are so many people who have touched my heart. Through the death of Savannah. Through this pregnancy. You've left congratulations. You've sent positive prayers and wishes. You've offered nothing but encouragement in a angel mommy and daddies worst fear moment. {The danger of loosing yet another baby.} I am a mother who has buried my daughter. I am far from Naive. Babies die. But to offer nothing but encouragement, means alot to me. Because you all know that my mind is already running with the possibilities. The statistics. Right now, love and encouragement is all we need... Thank you to everyone who has been less than selfish through this. You are the ones that matter. (((BIG HUGS FROM MY COUCH TO YOURS!!)))

Family is so much more.

We've talked recently about moving. Not moving up the street or across town. Moving two thousand miles away from our the life we call home now. My husband's job was kind of pushing him towards taking a position they needed filled in Peoria Illinois.

Now if you know us personally, you would know that the Fraser's are not strangers to cross country moves. We've done it once. Or twice. {Or Four times...}

We spent quite awhile considering it. Although I was hesitant to pack our life into boxes, and uproot our family to a new state, I was also really wanting the opportunity for change. I wasn't sure what it was I was wanting to change exactly though.

Recently we decided that we are not going to move to Illinois, though my husband got quite a chuckle in informing our family and friends we were in fact moving three weeks from now in celebration of April Fools Day.

My mother-in-law didn't find the same humor in this, because she lives in Kentucky and would be a mere seven hours away from us. Which is a far more convenient trip, compared to the five day drive or plane ticket purchase. So when her heart was lifted at the thought of us being so close to her, we did have to break the news that no, we weren't coming. {In my defense I told Koady he should go with a different April Fools joke.}

We had a friend over for dinner this last Sunday. Seems God always sends people to us at just the right moments in time. We realized that family doesn't have to be blood related. This is something that we haven't been seeing. It was amazing to have someone over to our house for fellowship. We shared stories. The kids were beside themselves and fawned over our guest the entire visit. We sat around the dinner table talking about the intimate details of our lives. Both ours and his. I have to say, my heart has not been graced with anyone... anyone... willing and open to discuss Savannah. And by discuss Savannah, I don't mean we do all the talking. I mean someone who also talks about her, knowing that Savannah's life isn't just past tense.  Someone that includes her in talking about "our children."  And right there at the dinner table we prayed together... And the tears streamed down my cheeks. It was so nice to have someone else that deeply cared for our emotions. Deeply cared about us.

You may be given a family that you cannot impress.

You may have a father that is incapable of caring

about anything but himself.

You may have family members that say they care,

but are never around.

But then you have the family

that God places in your path

all throughout your life.

And you know that your family, 

will always be where ever you are.

This was the change I was looking for.
And we didn't have to move 2,000miles to find it.

A Woman After God's Own Heart Giveaway.

Happy Valentines Day.

Today was the day of the giveaway drawing.

My lucky husband got to be the "officiator."

::Thanks to everyone

who participated!::

::13 names were

added to the drawing!::

 

::And the winner is::

::Raquel!::

::A Woman After God's Own Heart!::

Congratulations, 

And again, thanks to everyone whom entered!

{If you didn't win the book,
be sure and add it to your *must read*
list for future options.}
I promise you won't be sorry!

Gift of Love. Lifetime Devotional.

{This blog is apart of the “What love really means” inspirationals 

given by some wonderful bloggers, & wonderful women.}

“No matter what happens, 
you reside in the presence of Love.
Every breath you take fills you with 
grace and divine sustenance.
Breathe in the goodness 
and dare to believe it is so.
Love is your home.”

For those of you whom regularly follow a story unfolding, you will already know we were expecting our rainbow baby. Definition of a rainbow baby; A baby born after a baby lost. A rainbow comes at the end of every storm. But let me share something with you. Just because God shines his heavenly “promise” on the horizon, doesn’t always mean that it has stopped raining outside. We have all witnessed the vibrant colors, while cold water droplets still cascade down all around us.

Last week our hopes and dreams of another pregnancy came to a close. Atleast for the baby anticipated October 3rd. I’ve realized something through our brief rainbow journey…

The moment you experience a positive pregnancy test, you love your unborn baby. A child you are unsure whether will be a daughter or a son. A child you have never seen in person. A child you have never touched; never held. But regardless, you love them. We can love the idea of a life so very much, even if they never get to be. We also expected Savannah’s life to be healthy, long, and full. She presented us with a life “unexpected.” But we don’t count her life to be those eight short days. We loved her loooong before she was born into our physical world. When she was just a life we dreamed about.

We as humans are lovers. We are capable of loving unconditionally and fully. But also as mere humans, we are sinners. Which means our God given gift of loving others, is tainted. We all have a tendencies to be very selfish people. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. It has always been good, but in the beginning it wasn’t as easy. Because in the beginning I was selfish. I thought that my marriage would be flawless once all my needs were met. I never stopped to consider the fact that my spouse had needs I was failing to meet as well.

Then God entered my world. Now I understand that all of my readers may not be Christians. Please, don’t stop reading just yet. I may dedicate my life to the Lord, but my advice here isn’t excluding my non believing followers either. Whether you believe it or not, God is hard at work in each and every one of our lives.

Once I began reading, studying, and memorizing my bible and bible scriptures, I realized all of my relationships hadn’t been tended and nurtured in ways that show my love in a deep, selfless manner.

Love shouldn’t and doesn’t stop with our husbands and children. Yes, aside from God, our husbands are the most important relationship in our lives. {If they aren’t you need to do some soul searching because they should be. Ladies our children even need to take a backseat to our marital relationship!} We are supposed to be extending our love and compassion to all though…. All of mankind. Just like Gandhi once said, “be the change you want to see in the world.”

Divorce rates in America are 41% for first marriages. {According to divorcerates.org} And they continue to sky rocket. There are hate crimes taking place all around us. Whether it be from hazing in schools, racism, religion, or just evil, what some might consider harmless, judgments. They are in every town. Every state. Every country. And we are all to blame. Our culture and society are a product of it’s own environment… Our judgments rather than our love.

Let’s stop and take a moment. Think back to the last negative thing you either thought, gossiped out loud, or spoke directly to someone. Those things are very easy to remember right? That is because sinful behavior, such as talking badly about someone, is our first nature.

Now… take a moment and think of the last time you stepped out of “convenience” to show true, honest love. I am talking about things that require a little more effort than a quick “love you” as you rush out the door. Gestures that require a little more effort. Though you may still find the answer to this question, lets be honest, it wasn’t as quick was it?

“Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other,
just as Christ forgave you.”
-Ephesians 4:32

Love can be extended in the little ways. Those are good. But lets take it a little further, shall we?…

What about the little old lady struggling with her groceries in the parking lot? Sure, she may not be your mother, your grandmother. You have places to be and errands to run. But what is really preventing you from taking a few minutes to help her? Serve her? Love her?

What about your neighbors? How well do you know them, if you know them at all. Maybe you do know them very well… Why not whip up a batch of cookies and take them on over, what ever your relationship may be. What is preventing you from reaching out and loving them?

Or perhaps, you could pick up a card for your husband just to say, “I love you.” {Any other day than Valentines day of course. And it doesn’t count if you are expecting anything in return. Ever.}

These small gestures may not be acknowledged at first, but they begin to make huge impacts. I think you are catching what I am portraying…

In honor of Valentines day this year, I am asking {maybe begging a little} all of my readers to love someone… well, everyone in some unexpected way. Not just on Valentines, but throughout the year. You’ll find if you do, your own heart will soften. It will become easier for each of us to love one another, without the effort involved. It will become easier for us not to judge others based on the mud on their shoes, or the story they may carry on their shoulders. We can start a ripple in the water. After all, we can be “the light of the world.” -Matthew 5:14 

Galatians 5:13 tells us to, “serve one another in love.” By helping or serving each other, we are making a choice to love that person in that very moment. It’s not always easy since this love I am talking in reference to must be extended to our “enemies” as well. Savannah has shown me so many things. After saying goodbye to her, and saying goodbye to what we thought would be our rainbow pregnancy, I now know that life really is short.  We are only given so much time, and never guaranteed another breath. I know what it is like to, “love with a love that is more than love.” I’ve watched life slip away before my very eyes; In my very arms. A love that was taken to the grave…

So now, I want to know in my life I gave myself graciously to the best of my abilities. That I asked forgiveness in all areas that were due, and that I forgave those in my life whom deserve my divine forgiveness as well. I was forgiven by the one that I disappoint everyday. But I am also loved and cherished by the same man. I think I can choose to give these same blessings, considering I didn’t and don’t deserve them. My life may last seventy more years, or I may join my daughter tomorrow. Until then, I choose to love this life I’ve been given.

In wanting to share with you a book that helped me see the ways to “love” God, my husband, my children, and others, I welcome you to enter in my “gift of love” giveaway.

“A Woman After God’s Own Heart.”
Author: Elizabeth George

This book will share & help you with many things
including,

A heart devoted to God.
{Growth in understanding,
loving, and trusting the Lord.}

A heart that loves our husbands.
{Finding a deep commitment to
honor, love and serve your husband…
Even if your not married, this can
Help for marriage later down the road!}

A heart overflowing with motherly affection.
{Shepherding our children,
Loving our children, and caring for them.}

A heart that makes a house a home.
{Tending to our homes.
And enjoying the chores!}

A heart that cares.
{Reaching out to
encourage and love others.}

Plus much much more!!

To enter, all you have to do is either follow my blog or A Story Unfolding’s facebook fan page and leave a comment sweet nothing at the bottom of this blog, with your name and email address and which site you are following. Then, I will contact the winner via email on Valentines day! It is that simple!

::Please only submit if you are deeply interested in being
“A Woman After God’s Own Heart.”
That way others who truly want to read it, have a fair chance!::
Thank you!!

Also if your heart has been inspired to “love” this year, please share your future stories with me at megan_3457@hotmail.com!! I would love to read and share your testimonies!

…& feel free to share this challenge
with others.

In case I ever forget to tell you...

In the days of planning Savannah's funeral service, we had to answer a hard question. "Who was going to be our officiator?" Pastors ran through our mind, but no. No they wouldn't have the strong connection that someone else might have in regards to Savannah's life.

Growing up, Koady's family were so close with the Brulc family. The head of the household, Scott, used to minister in a church, and now just ministers through opportunities in his life, and uses his amazing spirit and wonderful outlook on life to do so. He knew Koady. On a far deeper level. He knew me from the beginning of our marriage. He knew Savannah. He prayed for her. He prayed for her on his own time, and openly with my mother-in-law through text messages. Spreading his faith to her. Scott had earned his place, as one of the most important people to spread Savannah's love on the day of her final goodbye.

The morning of the funeral, Koady and I met him for breakfast. Scott met us at the front of the restaurant, and embraced both of us in a hug. A true, deep, never let you go kind of hug. We knew in that moment Scott would never let us go. Not once, did we reach the uncomfortable silence that we have met with so many. While we waited for breakfast, Scott praised God for so much. It was as though, God really did send him to be our voice that day. We smiled as Scott talked about how great our Father really is. Not a moment in the cool rainy morning slipped by that we weren't embracing Savannah's life. Savannah's stories. Savannah's death. As we drove home to get ready, I held back tears knowing we couldn't have picked anyone better to be Savannah's voice as well.

Scott did more in his eulogy than we could have ever hoped for. Though this may sound strange, {why would anyone want to relive a day like that?} I wish Savannah's funeral could have been video taped. So I could sit and take myself back to that day.... as many times as I would like. So I could share in our final goodbye with all of my children on a day when they are older. When they would understand a little better. Scott helped that day be so magical for me. I would relive it again, if I was able.

We had a closed casket for Savannah. I was still so protective of her, though her soul had left her fragile little body eight days before. There were only a few people that saw Savannah finally at peace. That saw her beautiful vessel that brought her into the world, and gave her the path to heaven. Koady and I ofcourse. My dad. My mom. Koady's mom. My grandma, aunt, and cousin. And Scott.

I learned later that he told many people, that she was beautiful. Thank you Scott, for she really was. And thank you for your prayers for this new little gift from the Lord....

In case I ever forget to tell you...

We love you.

{Take notice of his purple shirt and tie.}
{We did not plan this.}
{Savannah told him what to wear!}

We are not who we once were.

I read a blog post from a dear friend of mine, whom is also an angel mom to the most beautiful baby boy. She celebrated her 30th birthday, and though seconds, minutes, days, and months have passed since we sent our babies to a place we cannot yet be, she acknowledges that in a moment we can be triggered. "Proceed with Caution" she said.  

"Proceed with Caution." 

This... was the perfect statement.

We stand united. Families who have lost a child. We live in a place, just like our babies, that no one else can be either. This weekend my husband and I were by ourselves. The kids were gone for three entire days, and the time I spent with my husband was heavenly. I forgot some of the things that are always there between us. I love him everyday ofcourse, but in three short days, I was able to fall in love with him again. We spent our evenings enjoying each others company. Uninterrupted. Friday evening we went out to dinner. In an instant, my eyes locked with a beautiful baby boys. No one in the world, other than my husband, can see my world crumble in moments such as these. No one in the world realizes that I notice and glance at every baby that comes into my path these days. No one in the world realizes that simple, "everyday" comments may sounds completely differently to someone who hasn't lost a baby. Unless you have lost a child, you have to walk a little lighter, and tread a little softer than you did once before. You have to make a conscious decision to think sometimes before you speak. "Proceed with Caution."

I may have a baby bassinet that would take up "less space" if it was broken down, and taken apart. This is one of those moments, a "normal" person doesn't stop to think. I'm sorry if the bassinet that was supposed to cradle my Savannah takes up too much space in your eyes. No I am NOT going to take it apart. Period. If I have to keep it in my bedroom the rest of my life then so be it. You may hear a space saving idea.... here is what I hear: Savannah takes up too much space... or time to move on... or it's just furniture.

This is what I have of her. This bassinet... that would save space being taken apart so we can shove it in the back corners, IS what Savannah has left behind.

{Made with love for angel mommies and daddies.}

Visit Tiffany here, and bask in Mr. Julius' heavenly beauty:

 Holy Pee Stick Batman 

Thank you Tiffany,

For showing me it was okay to say this...

Thank you.

I wanted to take a quick moment today, to say a quick thank you for the comments I just read from my wonderful friends/followers.

What I asked was a very hard and blunt question. As a parent, {especially those who have made that decision} you love your child more than your own life itself to want to make the decision to say "when" God's time for them was here.

After reading those of you who said "everyone is given a time from God," it brought tears to my eyes. And not in a bad way. Sometimes I just need that little reminder and guided encouragment. My husband told me today after reading my last post that he wondered the same question shortly after Savannah was gone. "Was it the right decison."

And yes, it was.  

The doctor told us very frankly, "she has no chance." ECMO may have been able to sustaine her life from now until eternity, but that is just it. Savannah, didn't have a chance. And that my friends... was God's plan. In saying goodbye to a piece of our heart that night, we may have saved other babies in the process. Other babies with every chance in the world.

The evening when we first recieved the news, through teary eyes, I asked, "can't I just give her one of my lungs?" Clearly the answer was obvious. No I truly didn't believe an adult sized lung would be a perfect match for an eight day old newborn, but it was sheer desperation. But the fact of the matter is, I would have. I would have given both my lungs if I could have. I would have given her every organ, and laid down my own life for that precious being. We had and have so much love for such a tiny little girl, turning those machines off was not and will never be, murder. It was love. 

She did though in fact, take my heart with her to the grave.

Thank you.

I am so blessed to call you my friends.

Well, hello stranger.

Christmas 2010 was another glorious holiday at the Fraser household. There was much magic, much happiness, and many blessings to be had. It was a day filled with family and warmth. Presents and yummy food. Children's eyes twinkling in sparkling papers and bows. And it left us all too quickly...

{Christmas Eve... Our Presents!}

 {Savannah Bear}
{From: Grammy Darla & Auntie Stacy}

{Savannah's Ornaments}

 {Savannah's Stocking}

Savannah received many beautiful letters this year. When I first asked people to send her a letter for her stocking, my husband told me not to get my hopes up. I tried not to. In the end I realize that those whom sent letters, are the ones who matter. I was surprised at those who didn't... but God just shows you the lights in your life through simple gestures of love such as this. {Thanks to Wendi & Katelyn. "Auntie Sarah, Uncle Shawn, and Baby Cousin Hailey." "Grandma"/Mom. Auntie Terri & Harvey. Great Auntie Mil, & Nana. Ali, Samantha, and Uncle Nate & Auntie Desi.} All of these people... all of these sweet souls, are the ones who remember Savannah four months after she has left us. These are my dear family and friends who took a few minutes to sit down this Christmas and share some of the magic through their feelings in their "letters to heaven." 

2010 has come and passed. Last night as I lay in bed at 12:00, listening to everyone celebrating the embark on a new year, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. I do not want to say goodbye to 2010. So many beautiful things happend in 2010...

We found out we were pregnant.

We moved into our new home.

We bought our new car.

We found out we were having a GIRL!

Sarah & Michael learned how

to swim!

Mommy took swimming lessons

with Brody, VERY pregnant.

He dropped out. (Haha!)

Sarah & Michael started school.

SAVANNAH WAS BORN!!!

We made many new friends

with the loved ones at UC Davis.

Savannah passed away.

We held our very first funeral.

Koady's mom visited from Kentucky.

My mom stayed with us for a month.

And many many, life long memories.

Why would I ever want to say goodbye to this???

But since 2010 is already a piece of our history, and we will all be getting used to signing everything with "11" now, I guess this is my goodbye... and this is my Hello to 2011. Nice to meet you stanger... what do you have in store? I have many new years resolutions to come...

Cherry on Top

In honor of today's 50th blog posting since Savannah's death,

I would like to share that a dear friend and blog reader,

gave me a blog award!! 

Though I am honored,

I don't feel my blog is of "award" material.

I know there are only a few avid readers out there,

but because you still feel I am worthy,

I would LOVE to say...

THANK YOU
TIFFANY & JULIUS!!!

*50 Posts*

Look how far we've come Savannah!

Reflections at Christmas.

I sat down today, to catch up on all of the wonderful blogs I read out there. There was one, from a wonderful writer, a loving mother and wife, and woman after God's own heart, that really stuck with me. Wendi, mother of five, lost J.D. almost 8years ago. Identical twin to his precious brother K. Her words brought me comfort reading about her strength in Christ, like mine, from her own time of loss. 

Yesterday, with her gorgeous bundle of one year old boy, she saw a reflection in a Christmas ornament of the chubby, adorable, little guy in her arms as she held him up to the wonderment.

Suddenly, even after almost 8years, it hit her. There have been many reflections in those ornaments through the years, but there is one that she will never get to see. That baby boy, that touched her life in his short 10days....

My ornaments too, will always mourn a face they will never get to shine upon either. A beautiful girl that would have loved the glow of magic. Years will pass, and the healing and peace will forever grace us with it's presence, but our arms will always ache for the one. The one that never got to be. 

Though I really thought this Christmas season would be a lot harder than it has shown to be, maybe it is that Christmas brings the world closer to the Lord. People are more giving, more loving, more drawn to the holy spirit that flows through our veins. Maybe that has brought me comfort, feeling just a little closer to heaven. A little closer to Savannah. She is here with us. Just like J.D. is at home with his mommy, daddy, and four younger brothers. 

I am sure there is a reflection of our babies in those ornaments... 

Look a little harder... 

Do you see your own reflection? If you see yourself, you see the love you always have for them. That is a reflection that will never fade away...   

Cry sweet Wendi... it's okay to cry.

This is what it feels like to be loved.

A sweet friend of mine, wrote this poem for Savannah.

I loved it, and I love her....

I just had to share it with you.

PRECIOUS BEAUTIFUL ANGEL

Oh precious Little Angel

Who was sent from up above

You are greatly missed

You are deeply Loved

We miss you Beautiful Angel

Down here on Earth

But the Lord had other Plans

8 Days from your Earthly Birth

You brought so much Love Joy & Pleasure

To those who cared for you

You are such a Blessing

To Many Not just a few

From your Mommy & Daddy

Into Jesus arms you were released

Knowing you are with Him

Has given them so much Peace

Because their Love for You

Is so True

They would do it All over again

WITH YOU

November 11th, 2010

Tina Candela ã