30 days of Thankful {Day Two}

Day two already. I cannot fathom where the time has been going lately. Let me sit and ponder for a minute which one of my "thankfuls" takes second place. Lets just say, each one cannot be measured.

Today, I am thankful for my husband. Our far from perfect marriage. And our almost {December 27th, to be exact} eight years of "I do's."

My husband is my soul mate. Cliche right? Nope. Not when you know. By soul mate, I do not mean we don't drive each other nuts. By soul mate, I do not mean we like all the same things, and are completely alike.

We are opposites in many ways. He drives me nuts at times, and I know that I repay him in the same way. He plays video games, and loves movies and electronics to the point sometimes that I would like to walk into Best Buy with a baseball bat and smash, well everything. He leaves dirty socks lying, well wherever they happen to fall. His idea of organized usually can be defined as "unseen."

But these are his quirks. And without them, I am realizing that he wouldn't be exactly who his is. Mine. And I take him with his "flaws." Because he has taken me with all of mine.

Everyday, he helps me grow. Marriage is not easy. It wasn't the first year. It wasn't the fifth year. It isn't the seventh going into the eighth. I know it will not be any easier the twenty-fifth. But we are both imperfect. Without the grace of my husband in my life, I would not have the relationship with Christ that I have today. From one very intelligent God fearing man, I discovered Faith. I discovered true love.

My husband wakes everyday, and provides for our entire household. Through him, his dedication, and his ethics, I am able to spend everyday at home. Guiding, teaching and nurturing our children. He has never once made me feel resented for this.

One of the the most important reasons why I am so grateful for him. The strength he provided through the death of our daughter. For the prayers he prayed for me. For the encouragement and support. For being able to teach me that goodbye does not mean forever. For the gift of life he gave to me. I am a mother only through his love. Our Savannah, was half of him. The best of both. And he held my hand and my heart as we held our heads high, and looked death straight in the face...

For him, and everything he means to me. On this day, and everyday, I am thankful.

Behind closed doors.

 In this journey I like {or dislike might be a better word} to call trying to conceive, I feel this is an issue that other woman out there might be able to relate to. --I am not trying to lead my blog down a trashy path, so please just bear with me. You can stop reading here if you'd like.-- 

I have discovered that those three words can be a woman's worst nightmare. "Trying" to conceive. And that is just it, we are only as far as trying. The other night I sat wondering to myself, where did the intimacy go? As I sat rumbling though the chaos in my mind I found what I was looking for. My intimate life was huddled up behind some file cabinets in the very back of my sub conscious. It was frightened to be honest. Tormented by ovulation tests, negative pregnancy tests, elevated hips, timers, and do I really want to say it, stress and doubts. 

Infertility has never been a department I thought twice about. But then again, congenital defects weren't either. I guess these life lessons I continue to find myself venturing through, all play a role in what we are experiencing in this particular time in our lives. I never timed ovulation while we tried for our other children. Savannah took the longest at a record breaking {giggle} three months. I recently met other women trying to conceive after a loss. I walked into a foreign territory. Here were these young healthy ladies doing things I couldn't even come up with in my wildest dreams. My head was spinning as I googled myself into a "conception coma."

And then, just like that without standing on my head while drinking a glass of peppermint tea, or jumping backwards three times at sunrise I got a positive pregnancy test. The line was so faint, but it was definitely there. It was confirmed by my doctor. In the short week we had, we planned out every last detail of that pregnancy. And again, just like that... it was gone.

It sent us spiraling back to square one. Suddenly I worked myself into a frenzy. This is when intimacy found itself pushed into that back corner. I bought my first package of ovulation tests this month. It hasn't been a joyful ride. Personally I think the pregnancy test companies conspired with the ovulation test companies to create a test that always has somewhat of a faint line, for those {not me of course} girls who have a slight addiction to peeing on a stick.

They throw in a "faulty" ovulation stick, or two or three, that does turn that dark pink like it is supposed to into the batch. Can someone please explain to me why at 11am, after holding my bladder for four hours, not drinking anything for two, it shows a dark line, but at 2pm you can hardly see anything? While it repeats itself the next day only at reversed times!?

Trying to conceive shouldn't ever become a chore. I truly believe it plays a role into struggling to get pregnant. Stress. We all know what makes a baby. Conceiving isn't supposed to be this complicated. It wasn't designed to be this way. Conception is all apart of a divine plan. The planned for, and the "surprises." To carry a baby? That is two people coming together as one. Another divine purpose. 

 Lets see if this changes the outcome.

Gift of Love. Lifetime Devotional.

{This blog is apart of the “What love really means” inspirationals 

given by some wonderful bloggers, & wonderful women.}

“No matter what happens, 
you reside in the presence of Love.
Every breath you take fills you with 
grace and divine sustenance.
Breathe in the goodness 
and dare to believe it is so.
Love is your home.”

For those of you whom regularly follow a story unfolding, you will already know we were expecting our rainbow baby. Definition of a rainbow baby; A baby born after a baby lost. A rainbow comes at the end of every storm. But let me share something with you. Just because God shines his heavenly “promise” on the horizon, doesn’t always mean that it has stopped raining outside. We have all witnessed the vibrant colors, while cold water droplets still cascade down all around us.

Last week our hopes and dreams of another pregnancy came to a close. Atleast for the baby anticipated October 3rd. I’ve realized something through our brief rainbow journey…

The moment you experience a positive pregnancy test, you love your unborn baby. A child you are unsure whether will be a daughter or a son. A child you have never seen in person. A child you have never touched; never held. But regardless, you love them. We can love the idea of a life so very much, even if they never get to be. We also expected Savannah’s life to be healthy, long, and full. She presented us with a life “unexpected.” But we don’t count her life to be those eight short days. We loved her loooong before she was born into our physical world. When she was just a life we dreamed about.

We as humans are lovers. We are capable of loving unconditionally and fully. But also as mere humans, we are sinners. Which means our God given gift of loving others, is tainted. We all have a tendencies to be very selfish people. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. It has always been good, but in the beginning it wasn’t as easy. Because in the beginning I was selfish. I thought that my marriage would be flawless once all my needs were met. I never stopped to consider the fact that my spouse had needs I was failing to meet as well.

Then God entered my world. Now I understand that all of my readers may not be Christians. Please, don’t stop reading just yet. I may dedicate my life to the Lord, but my advice here isn’t excluding my non believing followers either. Whether you believe it or not, God is hard at work in each and every one of our lives.

Once I began reading, studying, and memorizing my bible and bible scriptures, I realized all of my relationships hadn’t been tended and nurtured in ways that show my love in a deep, selfless manner.

Love shouldn’t and doesn’t stop with our husbands and children. Yes, aside from God, our husbands are the most important relationship in our lives. {If they aren’t you need to do some soul searching because they should be. Ladies our children even need to take a backseat to our marital relationship!} We are supposed to be extending our love and compassion to all though…. All of mankind. Just like Gandhi once said, “be the change you want to see in the world.”

Divorce rates in America are 41% for first marriages. {According to divorcerates.org} And they continue to sky rocket. There are hate crimes taking place all around us. Whether it be from hazing in schools, racism, religion, or just evil, what some might consider harmless, judgments. They are in every town. Every state. Every country. And we are all to blame. Our culture and society are a product of it’s own environment… Our judgments rather than our love.

Let’s stop and take a moment. Think back to the last negative thing you either thought, gossiped out loud, or spoke directly to someone. Those things are very easy to remember right? That is because sinful behavior, such as talking badly about someone, is our first nature.

Now… take a moment and think of the last time you stepped out of “convenience” to show true, honest love. I am talking about things that require a little more effort than a quick “love you” as you rush out the door. Gestures that require a little more effort. Though you may still find the answer to this question, lets be honest, it wasn’t as quick was it?

“Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other,
just as Christ forgave you.”
-Ephesians 4:32

Love can be extended in the little ways. Those are good. But lets take it a little further, shall we?…

What about the little old lady struggling with her groceries in the parking lot? Sure, she may not be your mother, your grandmother. You have places to be and errands to run. But what is really preventing you from taking a few minutes to help her? Serve her? Love her?

What about your neighbors? How well do you know them, if you know them at all. Maybe you do know them very well… Why not whip up a batch of cookies and take them on over, what ever your relationship may be. What is preventing you from reaching out and loving them?

Or perhaps, you could pick up a card for your husband just to say, “I love you.” {Any other day than Valentines day of course. And it doesn’t count if you are expecting anything in return. Ever.}

These small gestures may not be acknowledged at first, but they begin to make huge impacts. I think you are catching what I am portraying…

In honor of Valentines day this year, I am asking {maybe begging a little} all of my readers to love someone… well, everyone in some unexpected way. Not just on Valentines, but throughout the year. You’ll find if you do, your own heart will soften. It will become easier for each of us to love one another, without the effort involved. It will become easier for us not to judge others based on the mud on their shoes, or the story they may carry on their shoulders. We can start a ripple in the water. After all, we can be “the light of the world.” -Matthew 5:14 

Galatians 5:13 tells us to, “serve one another in love.” By helping or serving each other, we are making a choice to love that person in that very moment. It’s not always easy since this love I am talking in reference to must be extended to our “enemies” as well. Savannah has shown me so many things. After saying goodbye to her, and saying goodbye to what we thought would be our rainbow pregnancy, I now know that life really is short.  We are only given so much time, and never guaranteed another breath. I know what it is like to, “love with a love that is more than love.” I’ve watched life slip away before my very eyes; In my very arms. A love that was taken to the grave…

So now, I want to know in my life I gave myself graciously to the best of my abilities. That I asked forgiveness in all areas that were due, and that I forgave those in my life whom deserve my divine forgiveness as well. I was forgiven by the one that I disappoint everyday. But I am also loved and cherished by the same man. I think I can choose to give these same blessings, considering I didn’t and don’t deserve them. My life may last seventy more years, or I may join my daughter tomorrow. Until then, I choose to love this life I’ve been given.

In wanting to share with you a book that helped me see the ways to “love” God, my husband, my children, and others, I welcome you to enter in my “gift of love” giveaway.

“A Woman After God’s Own Heart.”
Author: Elizabeth George

This book will share & help you with many things
including,

A heart devoted to God.
{Growth in understanding,
loving, and trusting the Lord.}

A heart that loves our husbands.
{Finding a deep commitment to
honor, love and serve your husband…
Even if your not married, this can
Help for marriage later down the road!}

A heart overflowing with motherly affection.
{Shepherding our children,
Loving our children, and caring for them.}

A heart that makes a house a home.
{Tending to our homes.
And enjoying the chores!}

A heart that cares.
{Reaching out to
encourage and love others.}

Plus much much more!!

To enter, all you have to do is either follow my blog or A Story Unfolding’s facebook fan page and leave a comment sweet nothing at the bottom of this blog, with your name and email address and which site you are following. Then, I will contact the winner via email on Valentines day! It is that simple!

::Please only submit if you are deeply interested in being
“A Woman After God’s Own Heart.”
That way others who truly want to read it, have a fair chance!::
Thank you!!

Also if your heart has been inspired to “love” this year, please share your future stories with me at megan_3457@hotmail.com!! I would love to read and share your testimonies!

…& feel free to share this challenge
with others.

What love really means.

I'm not sure if you noticed, but there is a new button to the right of the page.

"What love really means."

If your curious, please feel to click and visit a friends page, whom had asked me to join in for the first fourteen days of February writing inspirational blogs about love. Each day a new woman is sharing her thoughts, her stories. You can read the new posting each day, just by clicking the link! Please join us!

I come in on day twelve!! Be sure and stop back by to read my insights about love, and also because I am having a surprise giveaway as well, and you won't wanna miss it!

Afterall, Jesus with the help of our Savannah has taught me so much about, what love really means.

A Different Child.

A Different Child 

By: Pandora MacMillian

People notice there's a special glow around you.

As you grow, surrounded by love,

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes between the smiles,

There's a trace of tears,

One day you'll understand.

You'll understand there was once another child.

A different child who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.

That child will never keep them up at night.

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much that different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever...

How infinitely precious.

How infinitely fragile.

Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman,
You may see another mother's tears,

another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone,

will understand and offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,

you will tell them with great compassion,

I know how you feel.

I'm only here 

Because my mother tried again.

We are in fact pregnant.

Thank you all for your unbridled prayers and support.

We will continue needing them from now until...

well forever.

UnCensored thoughts.

As I am sure you know, since it is no secret around here, A Story Unfolding is written to document my year after saying goodbye to Miss. Savannah. We are two days shy of the "five month" mark. My husband and I walked hand in hand through the cold night air recently. "It has almost been half a year," I observed.

{Really???}

Time has gone by so quickly and so many things have occured in our lives since, "Savannah." But no! No it can't be almost half a year since she was here. That is such a long time without her. How have we made it this far? How are we smiling, and laughing, and breathing? How are we okay, and living... half a year later?

{{Faith}}

As I have made it no secret, we have been trying to conceive. {With no such luck.} Being we began our efforts in October, that means we have only been trying for three short months. I was already beginning to get a little discouraged. I found out last weekend, that I am not alone in feeling this way. My husband was feeling the weight of this absence as well. He came right out and said it. No sugar coating. Right to the point. "I know. I want a baby too." In conversation, I asked, "what if Savannah was it? What if God gave her to us for eight days, but that is as far as He can take us?" My husband, always optimistic, said, "maybe it is. And maybe we will then adopt." 

My heart could adopt and my heart would adopt. I don't believe that a child has to be yours by blood to become yours.  If that was and is the plan that God bestows before us, than I would welcome that gift with open arms. But I cannot say, a part of me wouldn't miss that opportunity that was stripped from my hands with Savannah. 

To nurture, carry, and cradle a soul in my womb. A life in existence only because of the love two people share with one another. To labor through pain, for a far greater and bigger purpose. To touch and hold that little person for the first time, and look into the eyes of life that you already love unconditionally.  To spend the rest of your life cherishing and molding your future.

This month, I have tried to hold all hopes to a minimum. I have gotten on my hands and knees each night, and shared my deepest desires with the Lord. He hears me. I trust He does. Like I said, it has only been three months...

My husband, again the optimist of the family, believes that I am in fact pregnant. In fear of sure devastation once more, I am telling myself that I am not pregnant and any "symptoms" I may be experiencing right now are all in our heads. I will not get my hopes up in regards to, "having a smaller bladder" currently. And I will not be taking a pregnancy test this month. Five more days, and we will know either way.

I guess I'll let you know.

Say a little prayer. I know I will.

You lift me up.

As a stay at home mom, there are tendencies to compare what we do on a daily basis, to our husband's jobs. {Maybe vis versa if you are a stay at home dad... not that those would be reading my blog.}

I know I am guilty of this. But once after Savannah passed my husband said something to me. {And sometimes it takes people close to our hearts to make us realize obvious things.} He said, "I have a boss to answer to for everything that I do. If I don't do my job with 100% I get fired, and I am the provider. You don't have to answer to anyone if you don't accomplish everything in a day."

What he said was exactly right. He cannot pick and choose what he IS and ISN'T going to do in a day. If a boss told him he had to get on his hands and knees to scrub the tile grout, he would do it. Willingly. As where a homemaker might contemplate whether or not the tile really needed it, and may brush it aside for tomorrow's chores.

But my husband was wrong about one thing. We do have to answer to someone. Maybe not directly, but as wives, housewives none the less, we should consciously be answering to our husbands. When looking at our "to do" list, we should want to get on our hands and knees to scrub the grout for everything our husbands do for us.

Lately, and honestly, I have neglected my own daily chores. I squeak by minimally. There have been dishes in the sink... The floors have been unvaccumed and unmopped... And though the laundry has been folded, I haven't had the drive to hang anything up or put it away. Finding the clothes we desire for the day, has become like a Lewis and Clark expedition. {Especially in the dark, when I am up getting Sarah ready for school.} I recently talked to my mom on the phone, and was telling her about my "situation." She laughed as I tried to make excuses for my mess, by saying, "I'll get around to it...it's just... filth."

My husband... my best friend... hasn't said ONE word about the chaos that finds its way in every now and again since Savannah passed. But I discovered my inner "Obsessive compulsive" friend that usually sits on my shoulder today. I cannot take this mess, anymore!!! And it shouldn't matter if I could.

The other night we watched "Fireproof." It's a Christian movie about a couple salvaging their broken relationship by taking the forty day "Love Dare." I love this movie. And each time it is more and more inspirational. {It may not be appealing to some of you, but I know there are my ladies out there that might love this movie as much as I!} I applied the movie to my messy house this time... And how gracious "my boss" has been.

Have you ever heard the quote,
"you are only as strong as your weakest link?"

Well, I am ridding myself of my weakest links.

This weekend, this exciting three day weekend, my mom and dad are taking the kids for THREE... yes I said THREE, whole nights!! Being my husband will be at work some of that time, I am planning on buying plastic tubs to re-organize the storage. {Savannah's furniture needs a new place to stay.} I am finally taking the bags and bags of clothes that have been sitting in the back of our car for months now to the Salvation Army. {If anyone wants any great condition boys or girls hand-me-downs, don't hesitate to let me know!} I plan on FINALLY packing the Christmas decorations, lights, and ornaments, that have been shoved into the laundry room for the past two weeks. {Also into new plastic tubs.}

I am getting the carpets cleaned... all of them. We gave up on the "no shoes in the house rule" after Savannah passed, since so many people were in and out. They are now gross! I will be cleaning each room from top to bottom... even the baseboards have been neglected. Bathrooms need to sparkle, and floors need to shine. Lastly I will be washing the car... inside and out.

Then... there will be no hidden messes cluttering up my mind.

No more "weakest links."

My husband deserves it... And so do I.

Savannah would want it that way.

And then...

Dinner & a Movie.

Just the two of us.
Maybe, just maybe,
we deserve it.

When baby say's "Dada."

What a wonderful weekend getaway. It was much needed, and much overdue! Although it was a short trip, since Koady used up all of his vacation time with Savannah's passing, I wouldn't have missed out on our first opportunity to get out of town!

The morning we left Koady woke to tell me about a very special dream he had. He described to me that because Savannah isn't here with us and we will never have milestones to share, his dream made him so proud.

He saw Savannah, as a bright and beautiful two year old and she was so excited to see her daddy! She had four teeth on the top, and four teeth on the bottom. Her beautiful straight brown hair came down to her shoulders. She looked at him and repeatedly said, "dada, dada."

He was proud and glowing for the rest of the trip.

I like to think those were Savannah's first words.

"Dada."

The rest of the trip was fun, and filled with family memories. Since it is late, I will just share some pictures...

{Don't mind the angle,

the hood of the car was our tripod.}

{Taking a picture of ME,
taking a picture of HER!}

{Sitting in traffic.}

{True Love.}

 {Christmas Lights BEFORE 

I changed the shutter speed.}

{I thought it was pretty though!}

{Michael David was the only one

willing to take photographs!}

{The flash was SO bright!}

{Peace on Earth.}

*Hoping everyone has their OWN

special holiday traditions*

When the crickets chirp.

There has been a silence around this page recently. In the beginning after Savannah passed I didn't post everyday. Of course I was finding myself busy with funeral arrangements and wrapping my mind around the fact that I had just lost my anticipated fourth child. Lately, with the wonderful Christmas season upon us I have found myself busy yet again. 

As I mentioned in my earlier post, life is good again. Savannah's memories will always linger, but my husband and I smiled as we talked about how the pain lingers no more. Last night, we agreed it was time to pack up her stuff until the time we might need it again. You know, with the whole 50-50 chance thing. We know that we want different furniture for the next baby. Savannah never did and will never use the room. That's okay. It was her's. We will always remember "Savannah's room." She has a much better home now. 

Saying goodbye is a positive thing. We accept that she is gone. She will always be "ours," but she has passed like a spring breeze. The love in our hearts is the important thing to always keep around. Though my blog posts have become fewer, I still plan on writing. On Savannah's first birthday I plan on making this blog into a book. 

Remembering Savannah.

A year of grief and growth.

There was sadness, but there has been tremendous growth as well. I feel like a better person because of that special soul that graced us with her presence for eight short days. Eight days, I will always be grateful. 

Savannah, mommy and daddy are still keeping their promise to you little one.

The promise we made to you in our arms your last night...

That we will always be together.

Coming up on seven years December 27th,

precious girl... with many years of love to spare!

But 2011? It might just be one of the best years of our lives.

 Pink or blue... you tell me?

*Smiles & Winks*