Sunday, September 19, 2010

What do you do, when you were supposed to be due?

It's been a few days since I've posted here. I'm sure you all weren't holding your breath on whether or not I would return... I know I am known for being a tad flaky around the blogspot neck of the woods.

There really isn't much to say around the Fraser household. Koady went back to work this week. The kids are moving forward and enjoying every second of school... Oh, and me?... Yesterday was Savannah's due date. I couldn't help but think about it the second I woke up in the morning. The unavoidable thoughts of, "today is the day I should be wondering if this baby will ever come... instead she would have been approaching one month old already had she......" We are still doing great, and being filled with his peace and goodness thankfully.

Today, after printing 4x6 photos of ALL 400 photographs that I have of her eight day life, and the pictures of her funeral service, I arranged them into two pink velour photo albums. They are in order down to the exact time each one was taken. Some might refer to my photo organizing as obsessive; I just claim her life is important enough to see the pictures exactly as they were taken.

After all, these are the only pictures I will ever have of her. And they are worth a little obsessing...

Looking through her albums this evening, it brought on conversations about what she would be looking like now. Most babies at one month old have changed so much from the newborn look they have at birth.

What would you look like now Savannah? This mommy wonders...

The night Savannah got her wings, my mom tried to contain her things into her room thinking it would hurt me to see them. Instead I couldn't stand that her bedroom door was closed as though we were trying to shut her away. Since I had never finished her room because of the whole "going into labor right after the baby shower thing," when we came home from Davis after she passed, I finished what I had started...  I hung up all of her new outfits. I decorated. And I folded her blankets and placed them in her closet where they belonged.

I sat in her room the other night. {I love being in her room.} It smells of baby even though she never got to grace it with her presence. The animals still greet me as does the color pink.
Her pink carseat sits in the closet wishing it could safely carry her from one destination to the next... Her pink bathtub will never find wonderment in bubbles and rubber duckies... but they do get the sastisfaction of bringing delight and comfort to a mommy that will never know of these things either. Not with Savannah.

My husband and I discussed what to do about Savannah's bedroom. Should we pack it up and use what some might see as "wasted space." We both agreed that Savannah's room is hardly wasted space. It was her bedroom, and will eventually be used for a little someone else. Although we made many plans around Savannah, she will always be in our hearts, and travel everywhere with us as the sixth member in our family. So when we have another, we won't be trying for our fourth baby... we'll be trying for our fifth.

And maybe... just maybe... God will give me another baby girl.


Nadine said...

Thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving me a sweet comment. I just read Savannah's story and my heart is so heavy! You are an amazingly strong woman to have such a great attitude and I can only pray I would be able to have the same if faced with this terrible tradgedy! What a story this little angel has! I have to ask (because as you know I also am first)they never noticed this on ultrasound to prepare you ahead of time? I'm so sorry you and your husband had to experience such a difficult time...she was beautiful! I love her picture!! I pray many blessings for you and your family!

Charis said...

i think it isn't wasted space either. you are a good mommy.