Friday, October 22, 2010

A life without regrets.

I think when you have lost a child, you find more regrets than had you lost anything else. Sure everyone, at some point in time is going to regret something in their life. Whether it be minor...{I wish I would have gone to bed earlier} -or major...{I regret not working harder in my marriage, what went wrong?}

After Savannah passed, I went through my grief in a different way. I missed her, and wanted her, but I found myself blaming others for my heartbreak. I felt as though, because everyone else was grieving her short life, they were taking her away from me. I wanted nothing more than to have her back, and hide her from the world. I only got her for eight days, and suddenly she was everybody's. I found myself regretting many things. And it started to consume my thoughts.

I regretted sharing her pictures with family,
since they plastered them all over facebook. 

I regretted the people who showed up to her funeral un-welcomed,
just because she was a juicy piece of gossip.

{Just for the record, when a baby dies,

it doesn't mean you go to the funeral
just because you know the parents.
You'll know if they want you there, they will invite you...

It doesn't mean you can talk about the baby to other people 
like you knew them.

And it doesn't mean you can turn a tragic time
 into a joke by making a QUIZ about their death on facebook.}

Okay, now that that is officially off my chest...
Moving forward.

I regretted that I hadn't held her,
when we went to see her in her little dress,
laying peacefully in her pink casket. 

I regretted sharing her,
because people took on my loss as their own.
I spent more time consoling, than anyone ever offered to me.

But, as the darkness began to consume me, I heard God's voice.

"Is this really what you are going to take away from this lesson I have given to you?"
"Maybe you aren't the person I trusted you to be."

Savannah watched me from heaven, and heard each of these horrible "regrets." Everytime she tried to speak to me, her soft little voice was drowned out by my own negative thoughts. The last time I cried over all of my feelings, my eyes were opened. Our lives, whether nine months in our mother's womb, eight days on life support, or one hundred years full of knowledge, should be lived without regrets. I may be inadequate in so many ways, but I won't let my loss hider me from smiling at all of God's glory!

So here I am; forgiving every last regret...

...Because tomorrow is another beautiful day.

And I know, no matter what, Savannah was and is mine.


Charis said...

wow. so hard to not live with regrets, but like you said, we must forgive ourselves because the only one who is blameless already has. thanks for encouraging me through your sharing your life.

deziann said...

Sometimes the only way to feel better is to get things off your chest. You are truly amazing.

Serenity's Mommy said...

I found myself crying reading this. I'm not sure if it's the song that was playing, or those words, but it happened. *By the way* I have never heard that song before, It's not my genre of music, but it really touched me. (In fact, so much so, I'm going to post it on facebook.)

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand what you are going through. I think that it's 'normal' to feel like that.. well as 'normal' as loosing a child can be.

No mother should ever EVER ever, have to see their child be laid to rest. And as much as I get the other things you are going through, I do not know how you feel there because of the simple fact, Serenity was cremated.

I know it is hard, but I also want to let you know, you DO have online support, if nothing else.

There are so many awesome people I have met online throughout everything that has happened. And although I am VERY thankful for those people, I am very saddened that anyone has to meet this way.

You are a beautiful woman, with a beautiful family, and I hope to speak to you again soon.

With love,

"Serenity's Mommy"

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Are you serious? People showed up to gossip & made a quiz about her on Facebook? What the heck??? {hugs}