Thursday, October 21, 2010

We're not trying for our fourth, we're trying for our fifth.

I've always wanted four children. My whole life that's what my dreams were based on. My husband wanted two. Two girls. He obviously got over that. Savannah was my dream come true. She was, and is our fourth child. Savannah also made half of Koady's dream come true as well. His second girl.

Unfortunatly, she couldn't stay with us. I may never really understand why. But that is the great thing about God. He doesn't ever expect us to understand his infinate plans. They are all perfect in the tapestry he creates for each of our lives.

When I was pregnant with Savannah, I knew the end of my pregnant road was upon us. My husband wanted nothing more than to find out whether she was a "boy" or a "girl." I was terrified. I wanted a girl with my second. Boy. And again with my third. Boy. I didn't know if on my last time around I could stand to hear the final girl I hoped for was again, a boy. Especially since I planned on having my tubes tied. The questioning I had about whether I was really done, had finally disappeared. 

When I was thirty weeks, the doctor sent us in for another ultrasound to check the size of our little stranger, and I agreed that we could find out what we were expecting...

I laid there as the technician did her routine measurments, telling her about how badly we all wanted a girl. I asked her, "can you spell out b-o-y, if that was what "he" is, so my oldest won't instantly be devistated?" She moved the wand on my belly, and had a blank look on her face. "Do you want me to just tell you now? Before they come in?"  I shook my head yes, and took a deep breath, hesitating to exhale. I thought because of her reaction, it was definatly a boy. 

"It's a girl," she replied. A high pitched noise came unexpectedly out of my mouth as I let the air out that I had been holding in. "Really," I exclaimed as tears welled up in my eyes. She went out to bring Koady and the kids in, so they could see her. In the brief couple of minutes I had to myself, I rubbed my belly. "You're a Savannah," I said outloud. "All this time, I thought for sure you we're a Liam. Savannah you just completed me." When Koady walked in with the technician, he could already tell I knew. I had a smile on my face from ear to ear. He knew I was finally having my girl.

My girl, now lays cold in a bed a baby should never meet.

Her little pink casket cradles her,
rather than the warm arms of a mommy
who no longer feels complete.

Although she will always be a member of our family, we have realized that though we wanted four, God showed us again, that it isn't always our plans that makes for a perfect picture. Savannah is still ours. We are a family of six, even if she isn't here with us physically, but we were meant to have five. So yes, we are trying for another. 

But again, 
we're not trying for our fourth baby, we're trying for our fifth.

These next nine months are going to be the longest and hardest months I am sure we will ever endure. But I know, Savannah will breathe her breath of life into this baby... whether it be a boy... or a girl. Either way, we are already prepared with names.

This time I really know what it is like to say,
 "I just want it to be healthy."   


Nadine said...

Best of luck sweetie....Praying for a healthy baby!!!

John and Allie Fields said...

I just read all of your beautiful blog posts and can't help but cry. When my little girl asked me "Mommy why are you crying?" I showed her the pictures of one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen, your baby girl. I pray that God will continue to bless you and your family on your journey. You are an inspiration.
~Allie from littlebabyfields

Megan said...

You have a great name :) Thanks for stopping by my blog!

I read your posts & grabbed the tissues this morning...You write beautifully, honestly and give the glory to the Lord! Thanks for sharing your story!

Carrie Cooper said...

Carrie @

Hi! Thank you so much for your compelling comment on my blog and for following along. I had to come over and read your story. I cant imagine what youve been through with the death of your baby. My good friend gave birth to twins two years ago, who both died at birth. So, although I havent felt your same grief, I was there for my friend who has. My heart is broken for you. Im so glad the Lord has carried you through this time. I have an autoimmune disease that God used to transform my life. I pray that the Lord will draw you closer to Him through this life-changing experience.

Wendi@Every Day Miracles said...

Praying for you Megan... this is a hard road - and yet SO healing.

deziann said...

I am praying for you and your fifth baby, whom I can't wait to meet, boy or girl I know they will be beautiful and have the very best mommy!