Monday, November 1, 2010

When your at a loss of words.

I wanted to include a post trying to describe to those close around us what exactly a family who has suffered a loss like ours might be looking for. They aren't complicated. They are simple, yet very effective ways to offer strength when you might not know how to act, what to do or what to say...

First and foremost, prayer. Nothing reaches our souls faster.
Just because we can't hear it, doesn't mean we don't feel it.

::A "quiet" listening ear::
Please don't offer any "I'm sorry's," or "You shouldn't feel like that's."
You didn't do anything to be sorry for. Sorry doesn't fix anything.
Sometimes it's better to just not say anything.
If we talk about our feelings, don't try to play problem solver.
We aren't looking for an answer, don't tell us how our feelings are right or wrong.

::A babysitter::
We love our children. But when we loose a child that we anticipated,
sometimes we just want a little seperation from the others.
It doesn't mean we love them any less.
It shouldn't make us bad parents.
Just offer to babysit. Often.
We won't always take you up on your offer,
but sometimes it will be nice to be alone with our thoughts.

::Never say no::
If there is something a parent who just lost an infant
doesn't want to hear, is no.
If we want to do something, make yourself avaliable.
You never know when we might be needing company the most.
Most importantly NEVER say no if it involves the baby. NEVER.
I don't care if it is 2am, and I call you up to go for a visit at the cemetary.
Come with me.
If we want to talk about the baby,
smile and jump into the conversation.
If we want you to see the headstone, take the time to see it.
Just don't say no. Sometimes we take it personally.

::Call... Alot::
We may not want to talk. That's okay.
We may not answer. We may not call you back.
Call again.
We won't always feel that way.
If you stop calling, one day we will want to talk,
and no one will be there.

::Invite us to do things::
We don't have cooties.
Infant death isn't contagious. I assure you, you won't catch it.
Don't avoid us.
We do notice. And it hurts.

::When I stop crying. So do you::
The hurt has eased, and
I've come along way from burying my child.
I am not crying anymore.
If not for anyone else,
do it for us.
My life, our life is fine. Please don't continue to make this about you.
It hurts us more.

These things are minor and simple, but they can help mend the hearts of those who lost a small person they loved so much. Keep them in consideration.


The Martha Complex said...

Saying a prayer for you right now. :)

deziann said...

EVERYBODY should read this!! I love you and pray for you everyday. I would never mind a 2am phone call if you ever need to call me, and if you're us to babysit just let me know when.

Carrie Cooper said...

Carrie @

Hi Megan. LOVE this post. Although I have not lost a child, I have experienced traumatic loss of my own. As an adult with a crippling disease I have had people do and say things that just hurt me more. For the most part I have come to grips that most people dont know how to deal with someone else's pain, whether physical or emotional. Your tips are very practical.

John and Allie Fields said...

Megan I love that you wrote this! I think everyone has a time in their life that they would need to read the words you wrote. Sometimes others are so unsure of how to handle these situations but you have addressed it in an eloquent way.