Monday, December 19, 2011

To love and be loved in return.

The other day, as my husband and I braved the crowds Christmas shopping, a woman with the "December frantic" look on her face, slammed her cart into mine as she rounded the corner. She was moving so rapidly, there was enough force to bump my shopping cart into my pregnant stomach. In my "accidents happen" reaction, I started to move the cart closer to the shelves trying to give the shopper more space to glide freely down the isle. Before I could courtiously do so, ignorantly expecting your typical polite reaction exchanged between two strangers, the woman scraped her cart down the side of mine too impatient and caught up in her own life to show decency to another human being. And when the pure shock lifted from me, my heart hurt.

As a Christian, I celebrate Christmas. I choose to believe that "for God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (-John 3:16) I openly chose to, as some would say, put all my faith in something that cannot be seen. And however you feel about me based on my decisions I can live with that. If you would rather hear "Happy Holidays" over "Merry Christmas," that is just as much your prerogative as it is mine to choose Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior. But this blog post is not me defending my faith or religion. This post is not about my Christmas and your Holiday.

I don't know all there is to know about other religions. I don't know details about atheism, buddhism, muslim, or being jewish and celebrating hanukkah. Aside from the separations between my Christianity and any of the above preferences, I do not see why mankind is so incapable of love. Regardless of differences. Regardless of religion. Especially this time of year. No matter what we are choosing to celebrate.

I sat wrapping presents yesterday as my little ones sat watching "Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas." A child's cartoon teaches something so simple that most humans have lost sight of. Donald Duck gave his nephews a Christmas card that read,
"Christmas isn't about candy canes, holly, or lights all aglow,
its about the lives that we touch and the care that we show."

I have experienced it now. The unknown first year. We endured all of the traditional holidays. The first year through grief, for me, was not only about healing and growing, it was also about learning. As a mother burying her child, you have to learn to walk all over again. One baby step at a time. You have to learn how to go about your daily life with a permanent absence. You have to learn how to celebrate these holidays minus one. And you have to learn to accept the crulety in the world when they acknowledge the sweet life you cherish, in a dark and cynical manner.

A very strong and beautiful friend of mine today, once again, held her head high today as she defended her two sons. She proudly display's pictures of them on her desk at work. Both born premature, one little man in heaven, one special needs sweetheart here with her. A co-worker, also a new employee walked by her desk and one of the pictures caught the woman's eye. As if these pictures were the most offensive thing she would see all day, she asked in disgust, "Is THAT your baby? Oh my gosh, WHAT is wrong with him!"

I now know mothers of loss. But I know mothers of special needs as well. They face the same disturbed reaction, that we who carry death around with us do. If not more. We can disclose the information. Our babies are always there, but not viewable to all.

And just in the same way people can bump into you and neglect to offer a simple apology, people can be judgmental, rude, and harsh. Mothers proudly take their special needs children with them everywhere. And I would do the exact same. Whether the world has lost sight of love and compassion or not.

A family member of mine, will not come around me. Not only are they angry of the death of Savannah, the life of Davis has only succeeded in making the bitterness worse. Since I lost one, this precious boy, is only viewed through death's eyes for this family member. I see women choose to have babies after the heartache of tragedy everyday. I know I will have to experience the first year all over again, yet in a different way. I will see the milestones. I will have the little one at the holidays. And all over again, I will have to experience this change, minus one. But that IS what Christmas, or "this holiday" means.

A love SO strong,
a parent would sacrifice everything. 

In the end, 
loving someone,
is the greatest gift of all. 



12 comments:

Heidi @ Boys, Buttons, and Butterflies said...

As always..you strike right to the core!!!!

And yes, after the "rainbow" all the milestones remind you that you missed enjoying them with the one who isn't there....

charis said...

well said. it is pretty amazing that we are so far from showing real love as humans. i was just reading this morning in john 3 how when men saw the light they hated the light and loved the darkness. i had to stop and think about this for quite a while and realized it is even there in the deepest places of my own soul, even a soul whose desire is to follow Jesus, the Light. a reminder to love righteous and hate wickedness, not the other way around, is always needed and sometimes we need that reminder this time of year more than any other. thanks for that reminder today.

aliciamarie911 said...

It amazes me how cruel people can be during the holidays, and even throughout the year. Some (most, really) people really don't know what to say or how to react to situations that they've not been in or have been around. A child is a child, whether in heaven or disabled. If only people realized the blessings that all children are, no matter how pregnancies turn out.

Holly said...

People can become so selfish during this season. I wish more love was shown by everyone

Jennifer said...

So beautifully said! It amazes me how people can be so heartless and have absolutely no compassion. Saying prayers for a Christmas of peace for you and your family. Merry Christmas!

Amy von Oven said...

So wonderfully said! It is crazy this time of year. You are so right, it is all about one baby step at a time and letting Christ get you through. That is what it is all about. I often look around at everything we are doing with my kids and I know my heart will always ache for the one who is not here....

Melissa said...

Well said Mommy!
People can be so thoughtless!!
Merry Christmas!

Sarah (Nikki) said...

Whoa...your words are powerful....and well said. I see two extremes...those who give more than they have...and those who want more than they need. Have a beautiful week....

anderes Wort für said...

A very nice blog! I hope your christmas was nice :)

Mrs. Tate said...

Megan!!! I am so happy for you!!! I can't wait to see your rainbow baby boy. Is there anything you need for him? I had mentioned in a previous comment that I would love to send you something but I don't see where you replied. Did you get my message? Maybe I sent it wrong lol but seriously, let me know if you need anything, or if you're BF I could send you some stuff I didn't use because that didn't work out for us. Toby prefers to be lazy with the bottle. Oh my goodness Megan I am so happy for your family!!! I can't wait to read all about it. I need to write again soon, too! I hope you're well! Much love.

http://handyortungen.org said...

Very great blog!
Merry christmas :)

http://handyortungen.org said...

Very great blog!
Merry christmas :)