To love and be loved in return.

The other day, as my husband and I braved the crowds Christmas shopping, a woman with the "December frantic" look on her face, slammed her cart into mine as she rounded the corner. She was moving so rapidly, there was enough force to bump my shopping cart into my pregnant stomach. In my "accidents happen" reaction, I started to move the cart closer to the shelves trying to give the shopper more space to glide freely down the isle. Before I could courtiously do so, ignorantly expecting your typical polite reaction exchanged between two strangers, the woman scraped her cart down the side of mine too impatient and caught up in her own life to show decency to another human being. And when the pure shock lifted from me, my heart hurt.

As a Christian, I celebrate Christmas. I choose to believe that "for God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (-John 3:16) I openly chose to, as some would say, put all my faith in something that cannot be seen. And however you feel about me based on my decisions I can live with that. If you would rather hear "Happy Holidays" over "Merry Christmas," that is just as much your prerogative as it is mine to choose Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior. But this blog post is not me defending my faith or religion. This post is not about my Christmas and your Holiday.

I don't know all there is to know about other religions. I don't know details about atheism, buddhism, muslim, or being jewish and celebrating hanukkah. Aside from the separations between my Christianity and any of the above preferences, I do not see why mankind is so incapable of love. Regardless of differences. Regardless of religion. Especially this time of year. No matter what we are choosing to celebrate.

I sat wrapping presents yesterday as my little ones sat watching "Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas." A child's cartoon teaches something so simple that most humans have lost sight of. Donald Duck gave his nephews a Christmas card that read,

"Christmas isn't about candy canes, holly, or lights all aglow,

its about the lives that we touch and the care that we show."

I have experienced it now. The unknown first year. We endured all of the traditional holidays. The first year through grief, for me, was not only about healing and growing, it was also about learning. As a mother burying her child, you have to learn to walk all over again. One baby step at a time. You have to learn how to go about your daily life with a permanent absence. You have to learn how to celebrate these holidays minus one. And you have to learn to accept the crulety in the world when they acknowledge the sweet life you cherish, in a dark and cynical manner.

A very strong and beautiful friend of mine today, once again, held her head high today as she defended her two sons. She proudly display's pictures of them on her desk at work. Both born premature, one little man in heaven, one special needs sweetheart here with her. A co-worker, also a new employee walked by her desk and one of the pictures caught the woman's eye. As if these pictures were the most offensive thing she would see all day, she asked in disgust, "Is THAT your baby? Oh my gosh, WHAT is wrong with him!"

I now know mothers of loss. But I know mothers of special needs as well. They face the same disturbed reaction, that we who carry death around with us do. If not more. We can disclose the information. Our babies are always there, but not viewable to all.

And just in the same way people can bump into you and neglect to offer a simple apology, people can be judgmental, rude, and harsh. Mothers proudly take their special needs children with them everywhere. And I would do the exact same. Whether the world has lost sight of love and compassion or not.

A family member of mine, will not come around me. Not only are they angry of the death of Savannah, the life of Davis has only succeeded in making the bitterness worse. Since I lost one, this precious boy, is only viewed through death's eyes for this family member. I see women choose to have babies after the heartache of tragedy everyday. I know I will have to experience the first year all over again, yet in a different way. I will see the milestones. I will have the little one at the holidays. And all over again, I will have to experience this change, minus one. But that IS what Christmas, or "this holiday" means.

A love SO strong,

a parent would sacrifice everything. 

In the end, 

loving someone,

is the greatest gift of all. 

A day for mothers.

Once again, so much time has passed since my last blog entry. Day after tomorrow, Sunday May 8th, marks my sixth mothers day.

Day after tomorrow, Sunday, May 8th, also marks my first mothers day. My first mothers day minus a soul my "motherhood" brought into existence. I am a mother of four this year. When people refer to my children, un-meaningly,  most continue to only acknowledge three.

In honor of this special day very near and dear to my heart, I would like to say once again;

I am a mother of four.

Then.

Now.

Always.

The Rest of my life.

My Sarah, Michael, and Brody changed my life. Each one in a different way. Each one brought new growth. Becoming a mother can not NOT change you if you are dedicated to that divine purpose. But my Savannah? She changed my life in a deeper way. A very spiritual way.

A friend of mine published a quote recently on her daughters memorial page,

" I never realized how strong I really was,

until I had no choice."

This is so true, and no one can understand until you have stared down a tiny six foot hole, where you lay your child to rest one final time.

Savannah's stay was short, but I, Savannah's mother, have assumed responsibility to be her voice. To carry on her life unlived. As I believe to be true, for many mothers of angels. Each tragic death of every infant, every child is never in vain. Some mothers bring awareness. Some mothers build fundraisers. Some mothers make bears, cards, bracelets. Some volunteer their time or encourage walks. We become the lives of the little ones who could not stay. 

It's being a mother.

Even once they leave our homes, leave our lives, we don't ever stop...

being their mother. 

And it never ever goes away. 

Just because you cannot see her, doesn't mean she isn't here. Because every time I speak, you hear her speaking too. Every time I laugh, you hear her laughing too. Everything I do, a part of Savannah's soul motivates me, inspires me, encourages me. When you look at me, you SEE my FOURTH child.

I am living, breathing, proof she is here. I carried her soul inside of me for nine, long, but too short, months. She then carried her soul for eight days all on her own. Now she is carried in my heart.

This is being a mother.

It is sacrificial.

For each and every child.

 Even ones long gone, but never far away.

This... is what a day

for mothers is all about.

We are still mothers to them,

long after they are gone.

Because then we are the mother...

And the child.

My four blessings.

Thank you for making me a mother.

Happy Mothers Day!

You are all glorious, women!!!

Growing away from my very eyes.

My sweet little one,

Your eight month mark falls a day short of Easter this year. Every month that passes I am greeted with the familiar feeling of, "wow I can't believe you would be that old now."

Easter and Christmas are mommies favorite holidays. And though I wished I could hold you through out your first Christmas, and even though I wish you could crawl right through our Easter Sunday celebrations tomorrow, I am so thankful for these holidays. These holidays, though they are filled with your void, remind me so much of the promise of where you are... why you are there...

Tomorrow morning, Savannah, please hug Him for me. Tell Him I shed tears over His tragic death. But I shed tears for the hope we have because He stood again. Every year Easter reminds mommy of all He sacrificed for us. This year... the tears fall because it means even more to my heart. Granted we will be with you again someday baby girl... mommy, daddy, and your brothers and sister are still here. This year for Easter, Christ's blood was spilled so you sweetheart, would feel no more pain. So your lungs could be filled with His sweet life. There are no more teary eyes, or medical hurdles you have to cross. All because of His cross.

I miss you little girl. Have the best Easter ever. Know that my heart will be with you tomorrow.

-Mommy

Eternal Life.

My children wear me out sometimes.

I try to guide them with instruction and love, but sometimes no matter how many times you tell them something, they may still make mistakes. Sometimes my children frustrate me. Sometimes my children disappoint me. Sometimes I wonder if I've done anything right.

But I love them. 

Deeply. 

Unconditionally. 

Even when I am worn out. Even when I tell them something may times, and they still make mistakes. Even when they frustrate me. Even when they disappoint me. Even when I worry that I'm not doing anything right.

I heard recently a parent {who's children were grown} say, "every parent says, I just want my Children to be happy. But it's a lie. Every parent wants their child to be happy being successful." I may only have tiny tots at home still, but I don't believe that statement has to be a lie. I believe that if you raise your children right, your children will be successful in many different aspects of their lives. To raise a child in the light of the Lord, sheds light on everything they will need to be able to build a life for themselves outside of our home. Success to me is more than just money, it's being a decent person. A person who isn't lazy. A Person whom makes smart decisions. A person who cares for others more than themselves. A person who loves.

As Brody, Michael, and I made a trip to the grocery store earlier last week, it hit me. To truly love... a love like Christ has for us... we must sacrifice. I believe the role of a mother, is a similar being to our Lord, Jesus Christ. We stood outside of that grocery store, waiting to make our way across the parking lot. Hand in hand, we stepped out into the crosswalk before a lady came speeding around the corner. Quickly I pulled my children to the side and stepped in front of them,  anticipating the idea, that she was not going to stop. She slammed on her breaks before waving us through, in a irritated manner. When we got the the car, safe and sound, I sat there a moment thinking about my motherly reaction.

In an instant, without a second to think, I placed my body in front of theirs as though it would work as a protection shield. This obviously wasn't reasonable, since my body would not actually stop the car from possibly doing them harm. But a mother's love is sacrificial. Just as Jesus' life was for us. So many mothers loose their babies, their children, everyday. Of every mother I know who has lost a baby not one of them hasn't said they wouldn't take their childs place. They would make that sacrifice to save their child. 


April. A month for remembering, and being thankful for what Christ gave for us. He laid down his life so we could be saved. He knew what the outcome on earth would prevail. He knew His death was imminent. But in an instant, without hesitation, without regards, 

He came,

He sacrificed, 

He died, 

He rose again. 

Every Easter Sunday, we are reminded of how deep a father's love truly is. God's love for us extends far greater than the love we could slightly begin to understand with our own children. The Lord made many promises. But He never promised our lives would be easy. He never said, that with Him there would never be pain. That there would never be heartache. There would never be struggles. He said,  "through Him we would conquer." {Romans 8:37} 

The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction...

and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances. 

                                                                                      ~Robert Flatt

A Woman After God's Own Heart Giveaway.

Happy Valentines Day.

Today was the day of the giveaway drawing.

My lucky husband got to be the "officiator."

::Thanks to everyone

who participated!::

::13 names were

added to the drawing!::

 

::And the winner is::

::Raquel!::

::A Woman After God's Own Heart!::

Congratulations, 

And again, thanks to everyone whom entered!

{If you didn't win the book,
be sure and add it to your *must read*
list for future options.}
I promise you won't be sorry!

Gift of Love. Lifetime Devotional.

{This blog is apart of the “What love really means” inspirationals 

given by some wonderful bloggers, & wonderful women.}

“No matter what happens, 
you reside in the presence of Love.
Every breath you take fills you with 
grace and divine sustenance.
Breathe in the goodness 
and dare to believe it is so.
Love is your home.”

For those of you whom regularly follow a story unfolding, you will already know we were expecting our rainbow baby. Definition of a rainbow baby; A baby born after a baby lost. A rainbow comes at the end of every storm. But let me share something with you. Just because God shines his heavenly “promise” on the horizon, doesn’t always mean that it has stopped raining outside. We have all witnessed the vibrant colors, while cold water droplets still cascade down all around us.

Last week our hopes and dreams of another pregnancy came to a close. Atleast for the baby anticipated October 3rd. I’ve realized something through our brief rainbow journey…

The moment you experience a positive pregnancy test, you love your unborn baby. A child you are unsure whether will be a daughter or a son. A child you have never seen in person. A child you have never touched; never held. But regardless, you love them. We can love the idea of a life so very much, even if they never get to be. We also expected Savannah’s life to be healthy, long, and full. She presented us with a life “unexpected.” But we don’t count her life to be those eight short days. We loved her loooong before she was born into our physical world. When she was just a life we dreamed about.

We as humans are lovers. We are capable of loving unconditionally and fully. But also as mere humans, we are sinners. Which means our God given gift of loving others, is tainted. We all have a tendencies to be very selfish people. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. It has always been good, but in the beginning it wasn’t as easy. Because in the beginning I was selfish. I thought that my marriage would be flawless once all my needs were met. I never stopped to consider the fact that my spouse had needs I was failing to meet as well.

Then God entered my world. Now I understand that all of my readers may not be Christians. Please, don’t stop reading just yet. I may dedicate my life to the Lord, but my advice here isn’t excluding my non believing followers either. Whether you believe it or not, God is hard at work in each and every one of our lives.

Once I began reading, studying, and memorizing my bible and bible scriptures, I realized all of my relationships hadn’t been tended and nurtured in ways that show my love in a deep, selfless manner.

Love shouldn’t and doesn’t stop with our husbands and children. Yes, aside from God, our husbands are the most important relationship in our lives. {If they aren’t you need to do some soul searching because they should be. Ladies our children even need to take a backseat to our marital relationship!} We are supposed to be extending our love and compassion to all though…. All of mankind. Just like Gandhi once said, “be the change you want to see in the world.”

Divorce rates in America are 41% for first marriages. {According to divorcerates.org} And they continue to sky rocket. There are hate crimes taking place all around us. Whether it be from hazing in schools, racism, religion, or just evil, what some might consider harmless, judgments. They are in every town. Every state. Every country. And we are all to blame. Our culture and society are a product of it’s own environment… Our judgments rather than our love.

Let’s stop and take a moment. Think back to the last negative thing you either thought, gossiped out loud, or spoke directly to someone. Those things are very easy to remember right? That is because sinful behavior, such as talking badly about someone, is our first nature.

Now… take a moment and think of the last time you stepped out of “convenience” to show true, honest love. I am talking about things that require a little more effort than a quick “love you” as you rush out the door. Gestures that require a little more effort. Though you may still find the answer to this question, lets be honest, it wasn’t as quick was it?

“Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other,
just as Christ forgave you.”
-Ephesians 4:32

Love can be extended in the little ways. Those are good. But lets take it a little further, shall we?…

What about the little old lady struggling with her groceries in the parking lot? Sure, she may not be your mother, your grandmother. You have places to be and errands to run. But what is really preventing you from taking a few minutes to help her? Serve her? Love her?

What about your neighbors? How well do you know them, if you know them at all. Maybe you do know them very well… Why not whip up a batch of cookies and take them on over, what ever your relationship may be. What is preventing you from reaching out and loving them?

Or perhaps, you could pick up a card for your husband just to say, “I love you.” {Any other day than Valentines day of course. And it doesn’t count if you are expecting anything in return. Ever.}

These small gestures may not be acknowledged at first, but they begin to make huge impacts. I think you are catching what I am portraying…

In honor of Valentines day this year, I am asking {maybe begging a little} all of my readers to love someone… well, everyone in some unexpected way. Not just on Valentines, but throughout the year. You’ll find if you do, your own heart will soften. It will become easier for each of us to love one another, without the effort involved. It will become easier for us not to judge others based on the mud on their shoes, or the story they may carry on their shoulders. We can start a ripple in the water. After all, we can be “the light of the world.” -Matthew 5:14 

Galatians 5:13 tells us to, “serve one another in love.” By helping or serving each other, we are making a choice to love that person in that very moment. It’s not always easy since this love I am talking in reference to must be extended to our “enemies” as well. Savannah has shown me so many things. After saying goodbye to her, and saying goodbye to what we thought would be our rainbow pregnancy, I now know that life really is short.  We are only given so much time, and never guaranteed another breath. I know what it is like to, “love with a love that is more than love.” I’ve watched life slip away before my very eyes; In my very arms. A love that was taken to the grave…

So now, I want to know in my life I gave myself graciously to the best of my abilities. That I asked forgiveness in all areas that were due, and that I forgave those in my life whom deserve my divine forgiveness as well. I was forgiven by the one that I disappoint everyday. But I am also loved and cherished by the same man. I think I can choose to give these same blessings, considering I didn’t and don’t deserve them. My life may last seventy more years, or I may join my daughter tomorrow. Until then, I choose to love this life I’ve been given.

In wanting to share with you a book that helped me see the ways to “love” God, my husband, my children, and others, I welcome you to enter in my “gift of love” giveaway.

“A Woman After God’s Own Heart.”
Author: Elizabeth George

This book will share & help you with many things
including,

A heart devoted to God.
{Growth in understanding,
loving, and trusting the Lord.}

A heart that loves our husbands.
{Finding a deep commitment to
honor, love and serve your husband…
Even if your not married, this can
Help for marriage later down the road!}

A heart overflowing with motherly affection.
{Shepherding our children,
Loving our children, and caring for them.}

A heart that makes a house a home.
{Tending to our homes.
And enjoying the chores!}

A heart that cares.
{Reaching out to
encourage and love others.}

Plus much much more!!

To enter, all you have to do is either follow my blog or A Story Unfolding’s facebook fan page and leave a comment sweet nothing at the bottom of this blog, with your name and email address and which site you are following. Then, I will contact the winner via email on Valentines day! It is that simple!

::Please only submit if you are deeply interested in being
“A Woman After God’s Own Heart.”
That way others who truly want to read it, have a fair chance!::
Thank you!!

Also if your heart has been inspired to “love” this year, please share your future stories with me at megan_3457@hotmail.com!! I would love to read and share your testimonies!

…& feel free to share this challenge
with others.

Well, hello stranger.

Christmas 2010 was another glorious holiday at the Fraser household. There was much magic, much happiness, and many blessings to be had. It was a day filled with family and warmth. Presents and yummy food. Children's eyes twinkling in sparkling papers and bows. And it left us all too quickly...

{Christmas Eve... Our Presents!}

 {Savannah Bear}
{From: Grammy Darla & Auntie Stacy}

{Savannah's Ornaments}

 {Savannah's Stocking}

Savannah received many beautiful letters this year. When I first asked people to send her a letter for her stocking, my husband told me not to get my hopes up. I tried not to. In the end I realize that those whom sent letters, are the ones who matter. I was surprised at those who didn't... but God just shows you the lights in your life through simple gestures of love such as this. {Thanks to Wendi & Katelyn. "Auntie Sarah, Uncle Shawn, and Baby Cousin Hailey." "Grandma"/Mom. Auntie Terri & Harvey. Great Auntie Mil, & Nana. Ali, Samantha, and Uncle Nate & Auntie Desi.} All of these people... all of these sweet souls, are the ones who remember Savannah four months after she has left us. These are my dear family and friends who took a few minutes to sit down this Christmas and share some of the magic through their feelings in their "letters to heaven." 

2010 has come and passed. Last night as I lay in bed at 12:00, listening to everyone celebrating the embark on a new year, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. I do not want to say goodbye to 2010. So many beautiful things happend in 2010...

We found out we were pregnant.

We moved into our new home.

We bought our new car.

We found out we were having a GIRL!

Sarah & Michael learned how

to swim!

Mommy took swimming lessons

with Brody, VERY pregnant.

He dropped out. (Haha!)

Sarah & Michael started school.

SAVANNAH WAS BORN!!!

We made many new friends

with the loved ones at UC Davis.

Savannah passed away.

We held our very first funeral.

Koady's mom visited from Kentucky.

My mom stayed with us for a month.

And many many, life long memories.

Why would I ever want to say goodbye to this???

But since 2010 is already a piece of our history, and we will all be getting used to signing everything with "11" now, I guess this is my goodbye... and this is my Hello to 2011. Nice to meet you stanger... what do you have in store? I have many new years resolutions to come...

The night before Christmas.

The night before Christmas

{Revised for angel mommy & daddies}

Written by: Megan Fraser
{Copyright}

Twas the night before Christmas

when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse.

A little stocking was hung

by the chimney with care.

Though hopes it be filled,

would never be there.

A baby was missing,

from being snug in their bed.

While tear soaked pillows,

surrounded their heads.

Mommy with her blanket,

and daddy with her hat,

Couldn't settle down

for a long winter's nap.

When down in their heart,

there arose such a clatter.

They sprang from the bed

to see what was the matter.

Away to the window they flew 

and they dashed.

Tore open the curtains

and saw a bright flash.

When what to their wondering eyes

should appear,

but a beautiful angel,

precious, tiny, and dear.

She stood there before them,

pure happiness and health,

and they laughed when they saw her,

in spite of themself.

She smiled and she stared,

and didn't offer  a sound.

She outstretched her arms,

And flew from the ground.

They stared and they cried,

tears streamed down their face.

They knew in their hearts,

she had found the right place.

As she rose higher and higher

to the heavens above.

She left mommy and daddy

with nothing but love.

But they heard her exclaim

as she drifted from sight,

Merry Christmas Mommy and Daddy.

Please have a good night.

Selfless.

Motherhood is not for the weak of heart. It begins the second you discover the little life growing within. It continues long after the grave. Whether it be ours... or theirs...

Sometimes I find myself incapable for the task that the Lord has laid before me. Every morning I wake to give all of my being to three little people selflessly. There are days I fall short of the "selfless" tasks I need to overcome.

But even with my job being harder than anything in the world, I know that my job, my title, is raising/forming/molding our future. And personally I think our futures look very bleak...

One glorious night, thousands of years ago, a Father gave himself, selflessly, to his children. He didn't have to. But he did. Out of the sheer love and devotion He always holds in his heart. He stood back to watch the devastation we brought upon ourselves. He stepped down from his thrown to save us all. That cold night, a perfect baby boy was cradled in a manger, by his loving mother. Sweet Mary. She held in her arms a piece of her heart. A child given to her by our almighty Father. A boy that will grow into a man, and that would die before her very eyes. She would one day be cradling his vacant body. A son that she would bury and mourn for. 

But a King who's life meant far more than just his tragic death. 

God knew the outcome of the life he bore to Mary, that very first Christmas. Mary was chosen for the burden God knew she would face. Though I am far from Mary, she was indeed a blessed woman, I would like to think God chose me in the same thoughtful way that he chose Mary. To bear the burden of Savannah's life unlived.

Every drop of blood shed from the tiny, innocent baby born unto us Christmas day, saved me. Saved you. Saved Savannah. 

Today, I look around at the world before me. We have yet again, brought devastation to our lives. We have destroyed the relationship between the one man, whom was born into our world to bring us peace. Give us love. Show us divine mercy. The world spits upon the feet of the maker of heaven and earth. The one whom formed us, created us, planned for us. 

I pray for our future. I will selflessly give myself to my children... to instill in them, the people we should always strive to be. Whether that makes us outcasts or not.

Merry CHRISTmas

& Happy Birthday Baby Boy

After all you can't take the CHRIST

out of Christmas.

Priceless.

Tomorrow is our annual trip to Fresno, California. We started the tradition last Christmas, driving down to take the kids to the famous Christmas Tree Lane.

Last year, Savannah was conceived in December. My dad made little jokes, that he was never going back to Christmas Tree Lane with us again! Yesterday in thinking about the upcoming trip, I imagined what it would be like if she was still here with us.
Lets see here...

• Stops every two hours to breastfeed?

Ugh...

• Fussy baby in carseat from driving for 6+ hours?

Waahhh...

• Sharing Christmas Tree Lane

with a beautiful almost Four month old?

Priceless.

That's okay though,

Next year.

Well I am off to pack...

15 pairs of basketball shorts

& a holey moley t-shirt anyone?

 We do get to drive past Davis again... 

Is it weird I am SO excited to do so???

Don't miss me too much!

I'll be back with pictures!!!

Reflections at Christmas.

I sat down today, to catch up on all of the wonderful blogs I read out there. There was one, from a wonderful writer, a loving mother and wife, and woman after God's own heart, that really stuck with me. Wendi, mother of five, lost J.D. almost 8years ago. Identical twin to his precious brother K. Her words brought me comfort reading about her strength in Christ, like mine, from her own time of loss. 

Yesterday, with her gorgeous bundle of one year old boy, she saw a reflection in a Christmas ornament of the chubby, adorable, little guy in her arms as she held him up to the wonderment.

Suddenly, even after almost 8years, it hit her. There have been many reflections in those ornaments through the years, but there is one that she will never get to see. That baby boy, that touched her life in his short 10days....

My ornaments too, will always mourn a face they will never get to shine upon either. A beautiful girl that would have loved the glow of magic. Years will pass, and the healing and peace will forever grace us with it's presence, but our arms will always ache for the one. The one that never got to be. 

Though I really thought this Christmas season would be a lot harder than it has shown to be, maybe it is that Christmas brings the world closer to the Lord. People are more giving, more loving, more drawn to the holy spirit that flows through our veins. Maybe that has brought me comfort, feeling just a little closer to heaven. A little closer to Savannah. She is here with us. Just like J.D. is at home with his mommy, daddy, and four younger brothers. 

I am sure there is a reflection of our babies in those ornaments... 

Look a little harder... 

Do you see your own reflection? If you see yourself, you see the love you always have for them. That is a reflection that will never fade away...   

Cry sweet Wendi... it's okay to cry.

He sees you when your sleeping.

 Dear Santa,

You should be receiving letters soon from three little ones anxious for your arrival. Although they have had their "naughty" moments (*snicker*) I, as their mommy can vouch that they are very good kids. I know you have never forgotten them though.

But Santa, I do have something I wanted to say.

There is a little girl this year, who you will not be receiving a letter from. She was a very good girl this year. In her short eight days, she didn't make one mistake. She fought very hard for her life and tried her very best to get better just like her mommy asked her. This Christmas, on behalf of Savannah Victoria, I ask that you please do not forget her very best efforts to be "good."

Don't worry Santa,
I know you would and could never forget her!
After all, you see us when were sleeping.

Thank you,

Mommy & Savannah Fraser

C/O: Redding Cemetery

Cute little giraffe under the Pink Crepe Myrtle tree.

{You'll see the signs.}

It shouldn't be like this.

I couldn't do it this year. I couldn't bring myself to celebrate Thanksgiving. I couldn't force a smile on my face and bear it. I couldn't sit around while people stated what they were thankful for, though I am so happy for all of them. I do have my thankfuls too...

I couldn't bring myself to hide this pain

from people who ignore the unavoidable.

So I stayed home. I turned the ringers off. I snuggled up under the covers. I listened intently to the silence and I cried. My heart welcomed Savannah to snuggle up under my chin and celebrate Thanksgiving with her mommy.
We didn't need a feast to do so. We didn't need 50 guests around us to do so. We just needed a moment to ourselves. Mother and daughter. Finally today, I was thankful.

And then I slept.

I slept until there was no more sunlight in the sky.

It shouldn't be like this.

Ever.

Thankfuls in 2010

The other day a friend asked what we were thankful for this year. I couldn't answer right away like I usually can. Not because I am lacking in the "being thankful" department, but because this year, I really wanted to think about what being "thankful" really means to me. Especially after all my husband and I have been through in 2010. So here it is. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Blessings to you all!

::God::

First and foremost, I am thankful for the Lord.

He makes every trial in my life easier. He has shown

me the answers I sometimes lack through reading the bible.

His divine love for me gets me through each day

that he lays before me.

I know with every hurt I may face,

He is the ONE that is always there for me...

And He always will be.

::My Husband::

The one who has been through everything

you could experience with a person, and still stands by my side.

The one that my love grows for each passing year.

He cares so much for his family, and would do anything for us.

Loving husband, and father.

He gets me, and accepts each quirk and flaw regaurdless.

::My Children::

This is the first year, I've ever known how lucky I am.

They really are gifts that can sometimes be taken for granted.

They have grown into beautiful little people.

They are God fearing, God loving souls.

And not a day passes that they don't make my heart smile.

I thank God everyday for letting me keep them.

::Savannah Victoria::

My girl. My angel sent from above.

The one that taught me more life lessons than,

I've experienced in my entire life.

The soul that my husband and I created that stares into

the face of God, and is rocked by angels.

There is no one more deserving of this perfect creation than Christ.

She has made me thankful for the time we are given.

For making peace with ourselves.

For finding happiness in our everyday lives.

For my health, and my families health.

Every breath we take.

For being a mother. Being her mother.

For being a Christian.

For knowing that heaven awaits us when our

journey here is over.

::For Church::

A home for learning, and growing.

::My husbands job::

And the fact he works so hard at it.

So many people aren't blessed to have what we

have in this economy.

::The thought of another baby
in the upcoming year::
Enough said.
Everyone loves a baby.

::The friends I already had,

and the friends that I have made::

I've said to my husband that in times like these,

you find out who will really be there for you no matter what.

Sadly... we've discovered there are very few.

But the one's that HAVE been there for us NOW,

we are so thankful for you,

and you will always mean the world to us.

::Every person who has donated to

the UC Davis miracle network::

Without your donations,

some of Savannah's medical wouldn't have been covered.

::My mom and dad::

They have gone above and beyond for us this year,

in regaurds to Savannah.

They put their lives on hold to make sure

we got to be there with her.

They were there not only for me and the kids,

but for Koady as well.

If you love me, you better love my husband.

And they have done that.

::Comments on my blog::

Such simple words are so touching and moving to me.

The fact that friends care enough to say something means alot.

You acknowlege Savannah. You remember Savannah.

You care.

These are my thankfuls.

This year I am grateful for so many things.

The dark months.

That is what I have heard the holiday months referred to as after loosing a loved one. "The dark months." The month of November. A month full of thankfuls. Family gathers to feast, and celebrate thanksgiving. And then ofcourse thanksgiving just gradually flows into the most wonderful time of year. Christmas. Both holidays where families spend meaningful time together.


There are many "first's" for Savannah in these holidays that surround us. As I have said before, these are all her first's whether she can celebrate with us in person or not. Her first turkey. Her first Chistmas light experience. Her first Christmas. First time only comes around once. I can't wait to show her everything. Because I still do share life with her. Are you excited Savannah? Christmas is the best time of the year. Just ask Jesus!


This year as we close our eyes and fold our hands, and really take a moment to think about what we have in our lives to be thankful for, I already know in my heart what I will say. "Savannah, this year, I am thankful for you."

Last Thursday, I took a pregnancy test. Being I had the flu, and struggled with a fever I paniced at the thought that I was pregnant. Two pink lines appeared. When you discover you are pregnant, there are many emotions that overflow through your body. When you discover you are pregnant after loosing a child, I can assure you there are many emotions that still flow through your body, but they are completely different. They are intensified. They are scary. I began to cry. "Lord, this isn't how I wanted things to start." I was terrified that the baby wasn't getting a fair shot because I was sick. The diaphram forms between eight and ten weeks pregnant. I wanted him or her to be whole. I wanted him or her to be healthy. For 12hours, I tasted what the next pregnancy was going to be like. Every worry, every fear came to mind, and I spent the entire evening lost in prayer. In the middle of the night I realized that my worry's and fear's that I had succome to, were not offering the baby the best chance. I had already doomed the baby without turning faith over to the one whom see's and plan's all. Whatever happens, happens. And we will take the blessings as they come.


Needless to say, I woke the next morning greeted with my monthly friend. I can't help but say I was relieved. God answered my prayer. The next baby deserves a healthy start. And it won't be too much longer...