We do it with love.

Yesterday, and for the very first time in my life, I met a blogging friend. Face to face. Charis (pronounced Ka-Reese) over at, at the gate called beautiful, has been so kind and encouraging as I wrote about life with Savannah. Or life there after.

See, her and her husband, just welcomed their fifth addition into their family. Hosea. Oh he is beautiful. Truly perfect. (Go visit her page, and you will see just how adorable he is!) She is truly a woman after my own heart, having five precious little ones, and a marriage that is few and far between these days. By that I mean, a genuine, real, true love kind of thing.

She made Davis the sweetest little crocheted hat when he was born. She sent some of her own little hand me down clothes, and really made me feel that Davis was loved; Treasured; Adored.

Don't mind the yucky camera phone picture!

I know, I know. Isn't the hat adorable?! She took time from her own life... her own busy, pregnant, (at the time) mommy life, to make something, for my tiny (at the time) baby. 

So obviously I couldn't resist to do the exact same. I made sweet Hosea a teal, and brown blanket covered in wide eyed owls. (Owls are in. And owls are cute. Just so you know.) At first I wandered aimlessly up and down the isles of Joann fabrics, looking for something with giraffes. You know, because giraffes are Savannah's thing. I wanted to share a piece of what makes me think of Savannah, a deep seeded piece of my heart, with this loved, treasured, adored baby to be. But just as I have come to find, "giraffe" is not so easy to find in "boy." It is right now, a very popular "girl" attire. And I will be completely honest, it breaks my heart over and over again, when I see the giraffy print girly things...Outfits, blankets, towels, socks, pants, pacifiers, bottles, nursery decor... trust me when I say, the list goes on and on. 

Hello sweet girl!

There are times that I do though, want to share what made Savannah, Savannah, with others. And Hosea's blanket was definitely one of those times. Yet again, and not much to my surprise anymore, there was not a single giraffe fabric, that could even be "gender neutral." We spent at least an hour, my four children and I that is, examining every last fabric for the potential snuggled recipient. On our last rounds, feeling very much like Goldie Locks," I found the owls. And the owls found me. The owls were Davis approved. And baby approved is like a five star rating in my book. ;)

As I drove that blanket over to her house last night, I was giddy. And a little nervous. Here I was about to meet a friend, one I felt like I knew already, yet I had never once been in her presence. We pulled onto her street, and I instantly saw her mini van parked in the garage. (Minivan families unite!) I got out of MY minivan, and of course unloaded Davis from his car seat. My heart smiled as I walked to the door and could hear the voices of numerous little boys. Did I neglect to mention, all five of her children are BOYS?! 

I. love. it!

We chatted for a bit, and I was thrilled to meet her family. I awed over the baby (*swoon*) and it felt just as normal in person, as it does from her computer screen to mine. 

Her life is (as I know from experience) busy and chaotic. She probably finds herself humbled and at a loss for words when people ask her "how do you do it all?!" And like me, she probably just does it. Naturally. With lots of hugs, kisses, noise, grace, faith, and love. 

Because that how mommies of five do it.

Congratulations Charis & Bill. ♥

Days, Weeks, Months, and Years.

Its always such a proud feeling. "How old is your baby?" Random strangers ask. It starts in days. Two days. Five days. Nine. As brand new mothers, we have a tendency to go by days. We don't say one week, we say seven days. Why is that I may ask? I think it is because days sound so brand new. Days sound so close to birth. Weeks? Now weeks sound like they have been here that much longer. Regardless one week or seven days, these little people have been here the same amount of time.

Davis has already passed the days stage. And as we pass into the months verses weeks timeline, now as mothers, I count by weeks. I feel as though time is against me. I remember before I ever became a mother, I used to roll my eyes hearing "moms" talk about how fast time speeds by when you have children. Time is just time, I'd think. The days are just as long when you have children.

Then Sarah was born. And Michael. Brody. Savannah came and went. Now Davis. Time does in fact swallow you whole. Almost in the most unforgiving ways. The last weeks of pregnancy tick by at what feels like a snails pace. Then the instant the brand new human being is placed in your arms, they are already a month old. Once you being to wrap your mind around the month idea, you are planning their first birthday. And from there you suddenly have a kindergartener, facing their own form of independence.

This summer, our oldest celebrates her eighth birthday. It seems like yesterday that she was Davis' size. Still adjusting to a new, confusing world. A time where I was adjusting to a new and confusing world too. We were learning together. There was no one else that needed my attention. All I had to wrap my mind around was one. I counted days, and weeks, and months. There were no other stresses. No other heart aches. I try to look back at my brief time, so it seems, before I knew what heart ache really was.

I watch the clocks more closely these days. One week from today marks eighteen months. I should have an eighteen month old as well as a five week old. I should have two children in diapers. But I don't. And because I don't it doesn't mean I have stopped thinking of her. No, it's not as fresh. There are times that I go without having her in the front of my mind. After all it has been eighteen months.

{After all it has been eighteen months.} 

But eighteen months really isn't that long. Savannah would still be adjusting to a new and confusing world. The quicker time goes by with my earthside children, the more I feel time fading from the one I try to remember. In more ways then one, I realize that time will always be unforgiving. I get caught up in everything I need to accomplish. So I am trying to reassure myself that as Davis reaches the five week milestone, Savannah spends her eighteenth month in heaven, Brody a fresh four year old, and Michael and Sarah approach seven and eight, that right now, this very second, routine is a four letter word. That dirty dishes, and dirty laundry never killed anyone. Time may be unforgiving, but at least I know my kids will forgive me when I can remember what these "days" felt like...

Family is so much more.

We've talked recently about moving. Not moving up the street or across town. Moving two thousand miles away from our the life we call home now. My husband's job was kind of pushing him towards taking a position they needed filled in Peoria Illinois.

Now if you know us personally, you would know that the Fraser's are not strangers to cross country moves. We've done it once. Or twice. {Or Four times...}

We spent quite awhile considering it. Although I was hesitant to pack our life into boxes, and uproot our family to a new state, I was also really wanting the opportunity for change. I wasn't sure what it was I was wanting to change exactly though.

Recently we decided that we are not going to move to Illinois, though my husband got quite a chuckle in informing our family and friends we were in fact moving three weeks from now in celebration of April Fools Day.

My mother-in-law didn't find the same humor in this, because she lives in Kentucky and would be a mere seven hours away from us. Which is a far more convenient trip, compared to the five day drive or plane ticket purchase. So when her heart was lifted at the thought of us being so close to her, we did have to break the news that no, we weren't coming. {In my defense I told Koady he should go with a different April Fools joke.}

We had a friend over for dinner this last Sunday. Seems God always sends people to us at just the right moments in time. We realized that family doesn't have to be blood related. This is something that we haven't been seeing. It was amazing to have someone over to our house for fellowship. We shared stories. The kids were beside themselves and fawned over our guest the entire visit. We sat around the dinner table talking about the intimate details of our lives. Both ours and his. I have to say, my heart has not been graced with anyone... anyone... willing and open to discuss Savannah. And by discuss Savannah, I don't mean we do all the talking. I mean someone who also talks about her, knowing that Savannah's life isn't just past tense.  Someone that includes her in talking about "our children."  And right there at the dinner table we prayed together... And the tears streamed down my cheeks. It was so nice to have someone else that deeply cared for our emotions. Deeply cared about us.

You may be given a family that you cannot impress.

You may have a father that is incapable of caring

about anything but himself.

You may have family members that say they care,

but are never around.

But then you have the family

that God places in your path

all throughout your life.

And you know that your family, 

will always be where ever you are.

This was the change I was looking for.
And we didn't have to move 2,000miles to find it.

Any day now.

I remember, what seems like yesterday when I was waiting for fall. I was ready for the change of the crisp cool feeling in the air. For the smoky smells of families staying warm next to the first winter fire. In all actuality "winter" for us here in California, started about three weeks ago. January was a pleasant 75degrees. February is the sneaky month. I think we always forget that. The groundhog must be going blind of old age, {since he has been doing his "job" for so long} and mistook not seeing his shadow this year. Though, in my opinion, I don't know who's idea it was to base our weather on a groundhog anyways. Is there any factual truths to see or not to see a shadow? I told my husband I didn't believe in groundhogs. (Referencing ground hogs DAY.) He ofcourse thinks now, I think groundhogs are nothing less than mystical creatures. 

This year, well any year with children a mom is usually ready for warm weather. Three energetic lives don't enjoy sitting in the house day in and day out. It makes for an even drearier day. Mothers around the world look forward to sending their children out into the warm sunshine... to explore imaginations and wonderment. This mother? I myself, have a case of severe cabin fever. This past weekend, in every effort to re-introduce my family to nature, I bundled up my bunch and sat in the rain with three little fishing pole lines bobbing patiently out in the water. Not a nibble. But it made not only their hearts smile, but mine as well.

I don't think through life a memory will be made without even a brief thought of the little Missy that is missing out. I tried to picture a happy six month old, bundled up in her pink flowered car seat. A six month old fishing? Probably not their idea of a good time. I laughed at the thoughts I miss out on now.

Lightning McQueen Fishing Pole?-Check

Diapers?- Check

Hooks?-Check

Bottles?-Check

Live worms?- Gross but check

Oh, don't forget the burp rags and wipes!

Savannah will never be far from the wonderful things we do in life. So I don't really feel sad without her  physically joining us. Fishing with Savannah is much easier now. She fishes in the gorgeous lakes in heaven right along side us, I am sure. A purple fishing pole? Oh yes! Jesus as her fishing buddy? Defiantly!! 

One difference? 

I bet SHE caught something...

Gift of Love. Lifetime Devotional.

{This blog is apart of the “What love really means” inspirationals 

given by some wonderful bloggers, & wonderful women.}

“No matter what happens, 
you reside in the presence of Love.
Every breath you take fills you with 
grace and divine sustenance.
Breathe in the goodness 
and dare to believe it is so.
Love is your home.”

For those of you whom regularly follow a story unfolding, you will already know we were expecting our rainbow baby. Definition of a rainbow baby; A baby born after a baby lost. A rainbow comes at the end of every storm. But let me share something with you. Just because God shines his heavenly “promise” on the horizon, doesn’t always mean that it has stopped raining outside. We have all witnessed the vibrant colors, while cold water droplets still cascade down all around us.

Last week our hopes and dreams of another pregnancy came to a close. Atleast for the baby anticipated October 3rd. I’ve realized something through our brief rainbow journey…

The moment you experience a positive pregnancy test, you love your unborn baby. A child you are unsure whether will be a daughter or a son. A child you have never seen in person. A child you have never touched; never held. But regardless, you love them. We can love the idea of a life so very much, even if they never get to be. We also expected Savannah’s life to be healthy, long, and full. She presented us with a life “unexpected.” But we don’t count her life to be those eight short days. We loved her loooong before she was born into our physical world. When she was just a life we dreamed about.

We as humans are lovers. We are capable of loving unconditionally and fully. But also as mere humans, we are sinners. Which means our God given gift of loving others, is tainted. We all have a tendencies to be very selfish people. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship. It has always been good, but in the beginning it wasn’t as easy. Because in the beginning I was selfish. I thought that my marriage would be flawless once all my needs were met. I never stopped to consider the fact that my spouse had needs I was failing to meet as well.

Then God entered my world. Now I understand that all of my readers may not be Christians. Please, don’t stop reading just yet. I may dedicate my life to the Lord, but my advice here isn’t excluding my non believing followers either. Whether you believe it or not, God is hard at work in each and every one of our lives.

Once I began reading, studying, and memorizing my bible and bible scriptures, I realized all of my relationships hadn’t been tended and nurtured in ways that show my love in a deep, selfless manner.

Love shouldn’t and doesn’t stop with our husbands and children. Yes, aside from God, our husbands are the most important relationship in our lives. {If they aren’t you need to do some soul searching because they should be. Ladies our children even need to take a backseat to our marital relationship!} We are supposed to be extending our love and compassion to all though…. All of mankind. Just like Gandhi once said, “be the change you want to see in the world.”

Divorce rates in America are 41% for first marriages. {According to divorcerates.org} And they continue to sky rocket. There are hate crimes taking place all around us. Whether it be from hazing in schools, racism, religion, or just evil, what some might consider harmless, judgments. They are in every town. Every state. Every country. And we are all to blame. Our culture and society are a product of it’s own environment… Our judgments rather than our love.

Let’s stop and take a moment. Think back to the last negative thing you either thought, gossiped out loud, or spoke directly to someone. Those things are very easy to remember right? That is because sinful behavior, such as talking badly about someone, is our first nature.

Now… take a moment and think of the last time you stepped out of “convenience” to show true, honest love. I am talking about things that require a little more effort than a quick “love you” as you rush out the door. Gestures that require a little more effort. Though you may still find the answer to this question, lets be honest, it wasn’t as quick was it?

“Be kind and compassionate to one another,
forgiving each other,
just as Christ forgave you.”
-Ephesians 4:32

Love can be extended in the little ways. Those are good. But lets take it a little further, shall we?…

What about the little old lady struggling with her groceries in the parking lot? Sure, she may not be your mother, your grandmother. You have places to be and errands to run. But what is really preventing you from taking a few minutes to help her? Serve her? Love her?

What about your neighbors? How well do you know them, if you know them at all. Maybe you do know them very well… Why not whip up a batch of cookies and take them on over, what ever your relationship may be. What is preventing you from reaching out and loving them?

Or perhaps, you could pick up a card for your husband just to say, “I love you.” {Any other day than Valentines day of course. And it doesn’t count if you are expecting anything in return. Ever.}

These small gestures may not be acknowledged at first, but they begin to make huge impacts. I think you are catching what I am portraying…

In honor of Valentines day this year, I am asking {maybe begging a little} all of my readers to love someone… well, everyone in some unexpected way. Not just on Valentines, but throughout the year. You’ll find if you do, your own heart will soften. It will become easier for each of us to love one another, without the effort involved. It will become easier for us not to judge others based on the mud on their shoes, or the story they may carry on their shoulders. We can start a ripple in the water. After all, we can be “the light of the world.” -Matthew 5:14 

Galatians 5:13 tells us to, “serve one another in love.” By helping or serving each other, we are making a choice to love that person in that very moment. It’s not always easy since this love I am talking in reference to must be extended to our “enemies” as well. Savannah has shown me so many things. After saying goodbye to her, and saying goodbye to what we thought would be our rainbow pregnancy, I now know that life really is short.  We are only given so much time, and never guaranteed another breath. I know what it is like to, “love with a love that is more than love.” I’ve watched life slip away before my very eyes; In my very arms. A love that was taken to the grave…

So now, I want to know in my life I gave myself graciously to the best of my abilities. That I asked forgiveness in all areas that were due, and that I forgave those in my life whom deserve my divine forgiveness as well. I was forgiven by the one that I disappoint everyday. But I am also loved and cherished by the same man. I think I can choose to give these same blessings, considering I didn’t and don’t deserve them. My life may last seventy more years, or I may join my daughter tomorrow. Until then, I choose to love this life I’ve been given.

In wanting to share with you a book that helped me see the ways to “love” God, my husband, my children, and others, I welcome you to enter in my “gift of love” giveaway.

“A Woman After God’s Own Heart.”
Author: Elizabeth George

This book will share & help you with many things
including,

A heart devoted to God.
{Growth in understanding,
loving, and trusting the Lord.}

A heart that loves our husbands.
{Finding a deep commitment to
honor, love and serve your husband…
Even if your not married, this can
Help for marriage later down the road!}

A heart overflowing with motherly affection.
{Shepherding our children,
Loving our children, and caring for them.}

A heart that makes a house a home.
{Tending to our homes.
And enjoying the chores!}

A heart that cares.
{Reaching out to
encourage and love others.}

Plus much much more!!

To enter, all you have to do is either follow my blog or A Story Unfolding’s facebook fan page and leave a comment sweet nothing at the bottom of this blog, with your name and email address and which site you are following. Then, I will contact the winner via email on Valentines day! It is that simple!

::Please only submit if you are deeply interested in being
“A Woman After God’s Own Heart.”
That way others who truly want to read it, have a fair chance!::
Thank you!!

Also if your heart has been inspired to “love” this year, please share your future stories with me at megan_3457@hotmail.com!! I would love to read and share your testimonies!

…& feel free to share this challenge
with others.

When you think of my baby.

I just have to share this because it has been on my mind lately. Tonight as I laid in a bath, it came jogging back into my thoughts. And there it ran, over and over again...

First of all, my mother in law and I have had our ups and downs. There have been hurt feelings on both sides, but one thing is for sure, she always loved her grandbabies. All seven of them. Sarah was her first-04'. {Girl.} Then she was blessed with Michael-05', Noah-05', Ryder-07', Brody-07', and Asher-10'. {Boys!} Following shortly behind Asher, {because my sister-in-law and I have a strange way of having babies in the same year if you noticed} came Savannah-10'.

She lives 2,500 miles away in Kentucky. We called her one night while we were at Davis, and told her, her granddaughter was here. Being there is a three hour time difference, if I remember correctly {because there were so many phone calls} she was half asleep. She knew the phone call was announcing her latest grand baby. I could hear the excitement in her voice. And then we had to finish with what we should have never had to say. Savannah was not the healthy grandbaby she was used to welcoming. She sobbed into the phone. And then went right to work, as the prayer warrior I know she is... Along side all of her family and friends as well.

The night Savannah passed, the message we had to relay was far worse than the first message she had to receive. Only it was much later for her than the first time. Her sobs were enough to wake her husband, Johnny, whom is also devoted to the grandkids. Before we had even made it home from Sacramento that night, she called us back scheduling a plane ticket out here. She wasn't going to miss her granddaughters funeral.

Sadly, her trip was over before it ever began. She rode with us to the funeral. As two brokenhearted grandmothers, her and my mother cradled each other as they cried, sitting behind Koady and I at Savannah's funeral service.

She shared something with Koady recently in a phone conversation, and this is what has been on my mind...
For Christmas she received a very special gift. {A gift very special to her heart, but little does she know it is just as special to mine.}

A gym bag. 

Now, I know you must all think I've gone off the deep end, but let me continue. This isn't an ordinary gym bag. Johnny had it personalized. On one side it reads:

Sarah, Michael, Noah,

Ryder, Brody, & Asher

On the other:

In loving memory,

Savannah Fraser

8days

A simple gift. A gift that continues to acknowledge that Savannah was and is her granddaughter. She isn't afraid to share with the world she too, has become an "angel grandma." 

Sarah and Savannah. Her only two girls. 

When you think of my baby...

...even after she is gone...

...the love I have for you is far greater

than any love you could 

ever

imagine.

Thank you for remembering Savannah's name.

Despite our trials and hardships.

Thank you, for loving our girl.

Well, hello stranger.

Christmas 2010 was another glorious holiday at the Fraser household. There was much magic, much happiness, and many blessings to be had. It was a day filled with family and warmth. Presents and yummy food. Children's eyes twinkling in sparkling papers and bows. And it left us all too quickly...

{Christmas Eve... Our Presents!}

 {Savannah Bear}
{From: Grammy Darla & Auntie Stacy}

{Savannah's Ornaments}

 {Savannah's Stocking}

Savannah received many beautiful letters this year. When I first asked people to send her a letter for her stocking, my husband told me not to get my hopes up. I tried not to. In the end I realize that those whom sent letters, are the ones who matter. I was surprised at those who didn't... but God just shows you the lights in your life through simple gestures of love such as this. {Thanks to Wendi & Katelyn. "Auntie Sarah, Uncle Shawn, and Baby Cousin Hailey." "Grandma"/Mom. Auntie Terri & Harvey. Great Auntie Mil, & Nana. Ali, Samantha, and Uncle Nate & Auntie Desi.} All of these people... all of these sweet souls, are the ones who remember Savannah four months after she has left us. These are my dear family and friends who took a few minutes to sit down this Christmas and share some of the magic through their feelings in their "letters to heaven." 

2010 has come and passed. Last night as I lay in bed at 12:00, listening to everyone celebrating the embark on a new year, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. I do not want to say goodbye to 2010. So many beautiful things happend in 2010...

We found out we were pregnant.

We moved into our new home.

We bought our new car.

We found out we were having a GIRL!

Sarah & Michael learned how

to swim!

Mommy took swimming lessons

with Brody, VERY pregnant.

He dropped out. (Haha!)

Sarah & Michael started school.

SAVANNAH WAS BORN!!!

We made many new friends

with the loved ones at UC Davis.

Savannah passed away.

We held our very first funeral.

Koady's mom visited from Kentucky.

My mom stayed with us for a month.

And many many, life long memories.

Why would I ever want to say goodbye to this???

But since 2010 is already a piece of our history, and we will all be getting used to signing everything with "11" now, I guess this is my goodbye... and this is my Hello to 2011. Nice to meet you stanger... what do you have in store? I have many new years resolutions to come...

When baby say's "Dada."

What a wonderful weekend getaway. It was much needed, and much overdue! Although it was a short trip, since Koady used up all of his vacation time with Savannah's passing, I wouldn't have missed out on our first opportunity to get out of town!

The morning we left Koady woke to tell me about a very special dream he had. He described to me that because Savannah isn't here with us and we will never have milestones to share, his dream made him so proud.

He saw Savannah, as a bright and beautiful two year old and she was so excited to see her daddy! She had four teeth on the top, and four teeth on the bottom. Her beautiful straight brown hair came down to her shoulders. She looked at him and repeatedly said, "dada, dada."

He was proud and glowing for the rest of the trip.

I like to think those were Savannah's first words.

"Dada."

The rest of the trip was fun, and filled with family memories. Since it is late, I will just share some pictures...

{Don't mind the angle,

the hood of the car was our tripod.}

{Taking a picture of ME,
taking a picture of HER!}

{Sitting in traffic.}

{True Love.}

 {Christmas Lights BEFORE 

I changed the shutter speed.}

{I thought it was pretty though!}

{Michael David was the only one

willing to take photographs!}

{The flash was SO bright!}

{Peace on Earth.}

*Hoping everyone has their OWN

special holiday traditions*

Priceless.

Tomorrow is our annual trip to Fresno, California. We started the tradition last Christmas, driving down to take the kids to the famous Christmas Tree Lane.

Last year, Savannah was conceived in December. My dad made little jokes, that he was never going back to Christmas Tree Lane with us again! Yesterday in thinking about the upcoming trip, I imagined what it would be like if she was still here with us.
Lets see here...

• Stops every two hours to breastfeed?

Ugh...

• Fussy baby in carseat from driving for 6+ hours?

Waahhh...

• Sharing Christmas Tree Lane

with a beautiful almost Four month old?

Priceless.

That's okay though,

Next year.

Well I am off to pack...

15 pairs of basketball shorts

& a holey moley t-shirt anyone?

 We do get to drive past Davis again... 

Is it weird I am SO excited to do so???

Don't miss me too much!

I'll be back with pictures!!!

How children all grieve differently.

Savannah is important.

But there are three other little people who have stolen a piece of my heart as well. And since I don't ever want to portray Savannah as "my favorite" due to the circumstances, I wanted to introduce you to some of my other heartbeats, & explain how they have been coping with the loss of their baby sister...

Sarah Nicole

Born June 18th, 2004

Our first girl. Was the only girl before Savannah arrived, in a group of four boy grandchildren. She started first grade this year and really is thriving with every second. She is headstrong and opinionated; yet compassionate and and tender hearted. Sarah has wanted nothing more than to have a sister. She nurtures and mothers her brothers, but also recognizes the amount of testosterone that is running through the Fraser household.

Savannah was going to share secrets, makeup, clothes, and Sarah's love for all things girly. This is what Sarah dreamed of atleast. She has handled the loss of Savannah, and the dreams of everything that came with having a baby sister amazingly well. She doesn't like that she never got to see her, and that all she has for memories are photographs. She is old enough to understand most of what has happend. She doesn't like the outcome, but she loves that her sister, the one she has waited for, dances with Jesus. She is optimistic that this next baby will be allowed to stay, and {hopefully} will be a girl. We'll see Sarry girl, we'll see. Just remember sweety, "everything happends for a reason."

Michael David

Born May 22nd, 2005

I had a rough pregnancy with little Michael. Blood clots, depression, and pre-term labor. Michael was born into our world instantly sucking his thumb. He is our highly sensative, high strung, quivery voice, teddy bear. He is a contemplating, internalizing, loving, caring, snuggle bug. And that is exactly what he has done with Savannah's death.

He contemplates. He internalizes.

Every night at dinner, Michael never ceases to amaze me wiht his genuine heartfelt prayers on behalf of the baby girl he treasures. {They are such powerful prayers from a five year old, that one day they almost brought my brother to tears.} Michael prayed for Savannah while she formed in mommies tummy, and Michael continues to pray for her even after her soul has left us. Knowing the size of Michael's heart, when he is grown with a family of his own, they will gather around their dinner table and he will say a little prayer for Savannah.  Thanking the Lord for bringing her home to Him, so he could help her breathe again...

Michael although he hasn't said much, has been showing signs that he isn't handeling her death well, although I am sure he is unaware of it. I don't think he is struggling due to knowing he misses his sister, I think he is dealing with the grief and is unaware of his feelings. Michael loved kindergarten when he first started this year. He looked forward to it all last year, when I homeschooled Miss.Sarah. He did well the first few weeks, and it wasn't until after Savannah's death and the chaos that was our home there after, that Michael turned into someone I had never met before. He has stories everyday of kids being mean to him. I'd watch in the mornings as he would seclude himself from the other children on the playground, and sit by himself. He hasn't been progressing in his learning, as if he has shut out the world. He reminds me daily that he misses Savannah, and is worried I won't be there to pick him up everyday when school is over. This summer, {in an uphill battle} we managed to completely break Michael of sucking his thumb. The age had finally come, and it was beginning to effect his teeth and bite. He didn't suck his thumb during the day, but at night when he was sleeping, in would go the thumb. We were so proud of him, and he was especially proud of himself. Savannah left us. There is now nothing we can do to to keep the finger out of his mouth. Morning.... noon... night... it is there. I don't have the heart to prevent it right now. Last night, as he laid down to go to sleep {staring at a picture he has hidden in a special place of Grandma, while sucking his thumb} he took his finger out of his mouth and asked me, "are Grandma and Grandpa going to move to a new house?" I told him no, as I pulled the blankets up around him. He continued staring at the picture, so I asked, "why?" He proceeded to tell me that if Grandma and Grandpa moved away they wouldn't tell us where they lived and he wouldn't see them again. {Grandma and Grandpa-especially, are Michael's world. His little, stressed out world, revolves around their involvement in our family.} And it dawned on me. Michael, in his own little ways, is associating Savannah's death, the fact that she is a member of our family, but we will never see her again, with everyone who is close to him. We are here now, but are we going to be here in an hour, tomorrow, next week even? Needless to say, Koady and I made the decision to remove Michael from kindergarten this year, so he can spend some quality time here... where he feels safe. Where everything is going to be okay. We will give Michael some much needed time to just grieve... with the comfort of his family surrounding him. I'll always be here Michael, no matter what.

Brody Peyton

Born December 19th, 2007

What is there to say about Brody. {If you knew this little boy, you would know exactly what I mean.} He radiates more energy than the sun. Mischief should have been his middle name. He is unable to sit still... it is a battle to get him to follow directions... his noise level could break sound barriers... he is impatient and impulsive to say the least. My husband refers to him as {which there is no better way to describe him} our force of nature. But as you all may be counting your blessings as you read this that he isn't your son, Brody is also very loving and very funny. His hugs could bring you to tears. And when he grabs your cheeks, looks straight into your eyes, and tells you, "I yub you mommy," you know every second of his utter frusteration is worth it.

Obviously, with Brody being two and a half when Savannah was born, he is unaware of the loss in our family. We were going to have a baby. Okay. Now we have pictures of "baby abanna." Having a new baby is pretty darn cool to Brody. It will never have the same effect on Brody as it does on Sarah and Michael. And though this may seem awful to say, it makes me sad for him. I don't want him to feel the hurt of loosing her, but I know that the hurt makes it real. The hurt makes Savannah real. He will always know that Savannah is his baby sister. That he is her big brother, but he will never fully grasp how major the loss was to us. Thank you Brody, for making me laugh during this time, and definatly keeping me busy...

"Mommy loves all four of you...

...more than you will ever know."

An uncles love.

This is a paper that my brother wrote for his English Literature class, shortly after Savannah passed. It means so much to me, and it is so beautiful I had to share it. Enjoy~

Lamentations of August

Where did you go, Little One

You’ve only just arrived

I step out into the soft and empty night

The moon is low

And hangs just above the darkened rooftops

Half of it is missing

Much the same as my grieving heart

I do not pretend to understand this, Little One

For I am selfish

And much of me wishes to keep you here

I was roused from my bed to hear only my name

The rest was unspoken and I knew of my own accord

“No!” I said, before the voice could continue

“Momma don’t tell me that” I manage, nearly choking on the words

But you had already left us, Little One

And there was nothing I could do

Your time here was all too brief

But who am I to judge

And in your precious few days upon this Earth

You were able to experience much

For instance, Love – unconditional love

And Prayer – unbounding prayer that circled the entire globe

Sadly, some live long without ever having had either

So I bid you a safe journey home, Little One

Though I will feel your absence always

Perhaps my dear Savannah

You were very aptly named

Greek Mythology refers to Heaven as the Fields of Elysium

A final resting place for the souls of the heroic and virtuous

Most assuredly you are both

Please take care of yourself, Little One

I beseech you to fancy childish romps through golden treeless fields

Live every moment in a way that you never could here with us

Can you feel the Sun’s warmth upon your face

The soft soil between your toes

The flowing breeze in your hair

Can you hear the rustle of the fields, as they sway to and fro

Wait for me, Little One

And I will see you when my work here is done.

Nathaniel W. A. Caeton ã